43 thoughts on “Why Do We Stay In An Unhealthy Relationship?

  • July 17, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Hi, Helen,

    Just a quick post to say I liked your blog post on why we stay in unhealthy relationships. Very meaningful and what you shared makes sense.

  • July 20, 2014 at 8:22 am

    And sometimes we stay because we are sick or have too many dependents to be able to leave…My marriage is bad beyond saving but I do not have the financial means to leave or support myself. I do not qualify for any aid, I have no family to help. I just have to keep on enduring despite what I want , or need emotionally because otherwise I literally would be homeless…so guess what? A loveless marriage to a bipoalr unkind unstable person is the better option. Two options, both living hells.

    • July 23, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      You don’t have to stay; you have options. A shelter for instance. Where there is a will, there is a way. DON’T give up! 🙂 I am not staying in my abusive relationship, I’m planning my “escape” because I will not die here. I want to live, not just survive. Don’t you? There is a beautiful song I heard, and one of the lines goes like this: I want to die alive, not from a broken heart. I’m going to die alive, NOT from a broken heart. You are needed on this planet, even if you don’t think so. You are a magnificent person, worthy of love, tenderness, respect and happiness! Get your power back, I know you can do it.

    • July 23, 2014 at 3:31 pm

      This article is wrong to assert that if a person stays because of financial stresses, that its because they are being bought luxurious things and being able to shop. When in fact, its more often survival and about not being homeless! I was homeless when my marriage broke up and living in my car because I am on disability and we were renting. He could afford to keep renting the house and I couldn’t afford my own apartment. This article is wrong and should be corrected. There is even another person who commented here that they would be homeless if they left!

      • July 24, 2014 at 2:40 pm

        Even if you are on disabilty there are places and programs that helps people that are disabled find and keep a place to live. Contact the trustees in your town, also contact your local hud offices, they help low income find places to live and if you are homeless, they will find you a place asap for you as well as any kids or dependants. then trustees will help you pay back bills and deposits you may need as well as help you pay your current bills if you are unable to pay them. You will have to fill out paperwork and show them where your money went, but they will help. also, there are programs and places called area 5 that will help you and depending on how disabled you are will actually pay for a person to come into your home and clean it, pick up a few things from a store, mop, do laundry etc. plus there are also food pantries, churches, and food stamps to help with food. the salvation army gives voulchures to help low income, or people with no income buy get the things they need as in beds, couches, pots and pans, towels, bedding, tables and even clothes etc for free to help furnish a place. There are many options out there for help. Contact those places and then also ask them if they know of any other places that might offer assistence you may need. Help is out there

      • October 30, 2019 at 5:51 am

        My exact thought, thanks for speaking up!

    • July 23, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      I’m with you sister. ^^^ I am not in good health and have nowhere to go. Blaming the other is not good either. I’m able to see where everythng came from; if I could get others to see, we’d hage much better lives. Medicatioks &the otoxic foods, addictive parents, auto immune health, crimes committed by outsiders causing serious health issues, joblessness, the removal of help, no reapect or value by employers, no inveating in human beings or their lives, as well, have all played roles to teat families apart. I suffer r with PTSD, which is hard for ME to live with. Many people suffer with post-trauma but have blocked it and don’t know where their anger and rage came from. So majy auffering, and not enough caring healthy people to take care of them appropriately.

    • July 23, 2014 at 4:31 pm

      It might seem that way at first and the first month or so on your own with just you and the kids will be tough. But once you are out and on your own, doors will open and even doors for housing and food assitance. Not to mention a better frame of mind for you.

    • July 23, 2014 at 9:56 pm

      I can really relate to your situation. I have been in a loveless and very hurtful relationship for more than five years.I should have left sooner, but I just could not. Yes, Bipolar is one of the medical conditions – she has hers and I have mine. I was the one who was well – physically abused, I know you know the rest of it all. I found that “keeping everything in proper balance,” helped a great deal.
      If you have any follow up questions, please ask. I would be more than happy to help, if I could! THANK’S

    • July 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm

      if you are disabled, or dont have any money or low income, contact the hud department in your area and explain what is going on. they will help find you a place for you and your kids, or dependants asap, and rent in these programs are usually as low as 10 a month if you dont have a job to 50 dollars if you are disabled. Also the trustees in your area will help pay off back uility bills and deposits that you need once you get a place and if you need extra help each month, you will have to go up and fill out their paperwork, but they will pay all your bills for you to help out. salvation army gives free vouchers for beds, bedding, couches, stoves, clothes, tables whatever you and your kids would need for free, you just get them and take them to the store and you pick out what you want. For food their are foodstamps, churches and food pantries that can and do help out and you might even be able to find a few different ones that will let you go to them every week. so if you visit 3 places a week, you will have plenty. If you are disabled, you may not qulify with your husband or partners income, but on your own it will be different and then maybe you would qulify to get help. ALso there are places like area 5 that depending on how disabled you or a person is, they will pay for a person to come to your home once a week, or monday through friday and that person will cook, clean, run errands, mow yard, whatever needs to be done. So start calling them in your area and ask what paperwork you would need to bring into and when you can get an appoitment and go check it out. And ask them, if you need specfic help on something, call these places and ask them if they know of a program or a place that could help get you going in the right direction.
      THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY!! seriously there is, and you might have some bad days that get stressful, but keep your head up and think of the good days, and think of what matters today, next month, next year, they will seem like small things. I know change is scary and hard at times, but everyone deserves a nice, safe place to live and rasie their kids in, its up to you to jump in and make that change to help you, help yourself. I know you can do it, just call these places in your area and start asking questions and go from there, one step at a time!!!

      • July 24, 2014 at 5:06 pm

        I agree. There is always a way. Anybody who has managed to get onto this website and post, post, post…I say you found a way to post.

        Therefore, Excuses Be Gone…if not for yourself, then at least do it for the person in your life, who needs you to protect them…

    • August 11, 2014 at 12:42 am

      hello, I feel for you…Can relate. So hard xx

    • February 12, 2020 at 10:58 pm

      I feel you. I have 4 kids my partner is is not there dad (another toxic relationship). My boyfriend has ptsd/bipolar. Got out of the army about 11years ago before I ever knew him. He was married at the time then divorced. Got into drugs hard core broke loose of it got into another relationship had a kid with her. Then got me. I need help man. We’ve been together a little over 5 years when we aren’t fighting we get along great! Have great conversation like same movies/shows can relate on some level however when it comes to my kids theyr always doing the wrong thing. I’m mama bear sorry I try to protect them even when their not needing protection from him if that makes since…he has a different way of parenting than I do and we clash because of it. But it hasn’t always been about my kids. When he gets in his (mood) nothing gets through to him. It’s constantly mine and my kids fault. They have no boundaries I don’t punish enough etc. once in a while he’ll insinuate that I’m cheating. I went to work one morning and when I got home he says did you forget something today? It was my kroger smock…I said noooo I have a new one I was given because I forgot to bring it to work one day. Anything he can find to accuse he will. He has gotten a tad better with it in the last year or 2 but it’s still there. He has major trust issues. Always thinking someone is breaking into our shed and stealing his weed cause it didn’t look the way he left it…cable box acts up it must be something the kids did. He loses something which is often blames the kid or myself. I disagree with something an all out fight begins. When that happens he tells me I’m the manipulator only when I speak the truth. He doesn’t work. Gets social security disability and a small amount of VA money a month…he does pay the bills but let’s be clear the first 3 years we were together he could never keep a job. Pretty much stayed home smoked weed. When we got behind I went to my parents for money. I’m sure you can imagine how that went. I feel I carried him a lot the first few years he failed to keep a job or work. Then he didn’t get any money from the government. Now he’s this high and mighty guy now that he gets disability and His VA money About to get raised he feels he should call all the shots. Now it’s always his way or no way. Always threatening me with money as if it’s the most important thing in life. We’ve had horrible fights! Where I try so hard to stay quiet and he just keeps at it and at it till I blow up cause I can’t take it anymore. It’s not just about the money for me. I see a goodness in him I’m a good person and can’t imagine kicking him out. Would feel to guilty. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s incredibly hard for me to do. I did it once and became depressed and brought him back after a few weeks apart. Thought maybe he woke up and realized I good for him. But here we are months later and nothing has really changed. We have our great moments yes but when gets ugly it gets ugly. I don’t like saying that it’s because I can’t support my kids and I which is why I stay. It’s more than that. It’s the idea of things getting better the hope really the money I’d say is only about 30 percent of the reason why I stay. I dream of the day we get married and lead a normal life but I know deal down that there’s a good chance it will never happen. Like I said he can be such a good guy I believe deep down has a good heart but this mental issues can just take over and it’s very frustrating cause I see clear as day a good man somewhere in there.

  • July 23, 2014 at 10:32 am


    I felt the same way and felt that I could not leave my husband for kids, financial reasons but one day it was just too much and I went and rented a flat and have not looked back in that sense.

    However I realised after a breakdown that my main issue was Emotional Abuse from my Father all my life and although he is 79 have cut him and my step-mother from my life and it is like a weight lifted from my life. I know that I will be cut out of his will and to be honest after all this I realise that money is not the issue but health and mine went to hell. I realised at last that everything he had done meant I did not have to be there to care for him or listen to his rubbish anymore. The guilt and feeling of responsibility has left.

  • July 23, 2014 at 10:44 am

    I am very much surprised that the article doesn’t mention anything about being faithful to the marriage covenant. What about the concepts and ideals of commitment. Working on a relationship. It always takes two to tango.

    • July 24, 2014 at 1:06 am

      yes, but sometimes the tango the other party wants to dance is cruel and/or just downright dangerous!

    • July 30, 2014 at 6:29 pm

      Honestly, the article may not mention marriage covenant because it was written as being politically correct and the writer does not want to hurt someone feelings or else they are not a Christian for which the Bible speaks of the Marriage Covenant.

      In todays world, it’s free for all; do what you want as long as your happy and your not violating someone else to the point of a law suit.

      Nevertheless, you may have to search out a Christian website. But, the Bible will teach that adultery gives a person the right to leave and remarry.

      Many Pastors allow Abuse or Rape another issue to leave and remarry, however if a spouse just does not want to be married anymore, then they are free to leave, but if each party remarries, they will be committing Adultery…

      • August 6, 2014 at 10:11 am

        Please, stop with the marriage covenant. If you are unhappy, even if the person isn’t abusive, why should you stay? If you have tried everything in the book, and it still doesn’t work, then you don’t have to stay. People deserve to be happy.

        The bible also says you can own slaves, kill your children if they don’t behave, stone your wife is she is an adulterer, you can’t wear clothing of mixed fiber or eat shellfish. Do you do any of that? You can’t pick and choose the parts of the bible to practice.

  • July 23, 2014 at 10:56 am


    As “WishIcouldleave” states,many people stay in relationships for financial reasons. Those who are middle-agers and older are especially prone to staying in an unhealthy relationship for financial reasons. Leaving would cause them to lose whatever financial assets they have built over the years together. Is leaving more important than losing your home, savings and financial stability? Unless there are other factors, i.e. substance abuse, physical abuse, etc., I think not.

  • July 23, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Having stayed in an unhealthy relationship for many years because I “loved” her, love is never enough to overcome the lack of respect and other aspects of the relationship that were missing, fortunate to have realized things were never going to change and ended it when I did.

    • January 30, 2020 at 8:41 pm

      yes love is not a good reason to stay in abusive relationship but what if its hard to leave that person that you been with for so long. another thing love does play a big part cause loving someone can be toxic that you can’t let go

  • July 23, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I would throw in another possibility and that is that the other person will never be out of your life regardless of what you do so there is no “starting fresh”.

    I “divorced” myself, literally and figuratively, from an unhealthy relationship some years back. I felt like I “got away” but the combination of unresolved issues from early development that allowed me to enter the wrong relationship in the first place combined with the personality of the partner made it clear that short of death, my former partner would never let me live my life normally. He would forever be lurking somewhere and not a court in the land could prevent that from occurring.

    That sounds terribly defeating but at a point, it became easier to work with him than fight the situation. I wasn’t physically abused and I toughened myself up enough to refuse to accept the emotional/mental games any longer so my “well-being” in terms of continuing to breathe were not in danger.

    However, all of this changed me, and that makes me sad. I’m a different person than I was/harder, a thicker shell over my heart that prepares me for whatever and doesn’t allow anyone really close and makes me settle for the devil I know instead of venturing out. I wish I could say something different but reality is what it is. My empathy goes out to all those who for whatever reason, “settle””. Sometimes that is life/find the joy or beauty in whatever you can .

  • July 23, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    This blog post has some meaningful bits, but I would really like to read a post that has its feet in the reality that some of us live with. Especially for women, financial support could be the difference between having a home (even an unhappy home, and not necessarily one that is filled with “high end” stuff) and being homeless. The terror of being homeless is plenty enough to keep many of us is horrible relationships. A tragic and very harsh reality.

  • July 23, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    My mom has been married to my father in an unhealthy relationship since before I was born. I’m 35 now. I think they’ll be together forever. He constantly yells at her, blames her for everything, puts her down, minimizes or dismisses her opinions, thoughts, ideas. Wants receipts for all purchases she makes. Treats her like she is unintelligent, which is far from true. My family is very important to me so I need to visit them regularly. What can I do? Any advice from anyone would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

    • July 31, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      I think you should start recording him, and then play it back, and see what his reaction is. His ugly words will be said to HIM. See how he likes it. Buy a small recorder, and then record his viciousness. I bought one, and he hasn’t done any raging, but when I feel a rage come on, I’m going to hide the recorder, turn it on, and record his nastiness. Then, when I leave him, I’ll leave the recorder, and tell him to listen, and he’ll KNOW why I left him!

    • August 1, 2014 at 1:01 am

      I think that older people from different generations think, act and put up with certain things then most of us today knows is not right. Back then, they did not have “mental health” and it was a very different world from how things are today. With this said, (or typed) if your mother has been putting up with these actions for this long, i doubt things will ever change and there is no way she is going to leave. I HATE to put this out there like that. If it were me, i would just be there as much as you can for your mom. Make big deals out of the things she does amazing like cook dinner, wears new clothes, gets a hair cut, whatever. Go out of your way to make her feel special and tell her how great of a person she really is. If you are at their home and your dad starts to put her down, or yell at her, maybe you can find something to compliment her on. I know it can be heartbreaking to see someone be treated like this, but i seriously doubt anything you do will change it.
      I remember my grandpa used to yell at my grandmother and make snide comments and get her all upset and have her crying and most of the time i wouldnt realize or was too young to understand what was going on. BUT BUT BUT what i can and will tell you is years later my grandmother got sick and passed away, and then my grandpa greived for that woman, and cried and basically gave up on live before he passed on. He missed her so very much and regretted how he was but he could not go back and change anything, it was too late…so while i think eventually people will learn these lessons, but mostly by the time they do its too late and then they regret many things.
      I know this dont help your mom or you out, but we cant force people to change, so all we can do is be there for them and try to brighten their day if we can.
      Just my .02

      • August 5, 2018 at 6:28 pm

        Jenny all I wanted for decades was a fresh start in my marriage, I am sorry to say that after over thirty five men badly hurt, My husbands father included several times fo and me twice for just trying to find a way my husband could have the life he wanted when it would not get into other lives when I firstr arrived in the area I promised his father and his friends all community leaders that I would do whatever it took to maintain a peaceful life between my husband and the community, I thought a coiuple of Years after his return home from the Navys submarine service Hold sex as the reward for his cooperation during that time and we could sit down as a family and group and start figuring out ways that all could get the life they wanted without someone forcing their right down their throat> He came home in 1985 and by may 2009 I was being thrown across a conference room and hes trying to murder his father because he was again being asked to give up a vacation he wanted for someone else. I was crying telling him it was the last time I would ever ask it of him again and that time we had already arranged for a direct exchange of time In January since we had already made a five week vacation surprise in just seven more months < Coiuldn't he just give up his seat without complaint on the orient express the next two weeks. HE dislocated my shoulder yelling at me his father and I had no right to cancel him without his pernmission That he had not had a vacation in over 3 decades or a holiday off He tried to strangle his father to death in that conference room for 3 decades of interfereing in our marital and sex life as well as his vacation time he wanted.

        I was just praying that day that nobody was going to die over it that day. The man we had given the berth to when we canceled had already boarded with his 4 month pregnant bride for the flight and hes being a big baby because he had not had a day off since 1981 allowed sex since then in my attempt to try and keep him under the communities and his fathers control. We had seen what he was without control for the last 9 years since 2000 because he was not given his way in these things under his UAW contract as he was supposed to get, We had seen men go into Criutical care when they tried to get him to remove aq job bid by force< when Armed Intimidation was used to make him work holidays he would show up in ambush later and use a machinist hammer to break things on the people that held him at gun point, He had taken direct action on thanksgiving 2008 when a frien and his father were shoving him through his work gate at shotgun point, He snatched one of the weapons and crushed a friends face in with the butt and drew down on his father and two others until a deputy got him to calm down about it The next year He was trying to kill us because he wanted to go on the orient express and we had made a new vacattion Reservation on St Croix for January 2010 just seven more months away for his first since 1976. We had known he was exhausted for decades but his Pysiology seemed to adjust for it but not his mental outlook. I had tried for decades also to get him to make it easy for everyone and simply take the mid winter time for a vacation and add his personal time to replace the holidays we needed him to work through Personally I did not see why he had to make the bifg deal out of having his choice under seniority rights on his job there were just so many traditions he could have helped with if he had just been cooperative and nice.

        He got himself so depressed before 2019 came his immune system died and MRSA set into his spine and caused his crippling, The next three years all we heard from him was we had stolen the life he should have had Every Christmas we went to visit with two sandwichs from the Neal the day before we knew he hated us that much more for not allowing the rehab to bring him home for the holidays for three years we felt he would just be in the way in a wheel chair, And left him to eat whatever the Nurse could dig up April 2012 I was so tired of hearing that I had not been a wife , that we had taken rights from him without due process I would Leave crying every time , I started Seeing a married man who was a Boyfriend 3 and a half decades prior just to feel something besides I was worthless as a wife and human being ERven crippled my husband left himn dying in the middle of our living room the morning after he came home and to deal with his anger issues over the last 31 years he was placed in the Regional mental hospital Two Weeks latter his mother sister and I had set up a catered dinner for him the next Saturday, It was Teusday and I was getting ready to go to a dinner I had promised his father I would go to six months prior And I found myself nose to my husbands chest in the living room trying to make a deal to meet in four hours wherever he wanted even handing him a 100 to try and come up with ways to let him have something he wanted without causing any more of a problem than had already been caused in the community. I swaid we just needed toime to figure out what he woiuld be allowed now, I found out he did not thinmk we hasd a right to allow him any thing and he was going to decide what I was allowed that evenening when he shredded my evening gown, And forced me into sex that evevening, then he hurt his fathers best friend telling him he was leaving unless he had a badge and warrant He grabbed the man by the Back of his tux and Threw him off our deck at his fathers windshield but He impacted face first in the drive instead, Then 2 hours later he was waiting for his father with a butcher knife telling him to get out of his face or die he had no rights under his roof over any thing, His father said don't ever think he would be welcome in his home, My husband said when was the last time he set foot in his house wasn't it 28 years ago and even then he was not made to feel welcomed. I never saw a man cry so hard at the respect his own son had for him.

        I stay scared that if I say no again to a sex life he will hurt me over it now, I know we did not treat him right for 28 years after he came home but wasn;'t there some way we could have found a peace without him breaking heads over what he had earned.

  • July 23, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Hi, liked this but have a teeny quibble – the “reliance” section includes codependency but only describes “reliance”. It would be just lovely if you’d add a section on that… codependency is rarely about reliance, it’s if anything, perhaps its opposite. Cheers.

  • July 23, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    We have human needs that push us to be in connection with others; we need others. We believe that the person chosen is the one who can help us discover the wounds of our unsatisfied childhood needs…but we can’t explain them, or ask for especific behaviors…so the partner is lost. Along time, frustration becomes resentment, but the original hope of getting this person to really understand us, see our needs and show us the promised affection is there.
    It never dies, you need to strangle it in order to move on and leave this person. In my work, once you uncover the hidden needs, you have a tool to ask for partner’s cooperation…and too many times he/she is relieved to know what was missing and eager to help. If not, here you have your decision made for you: is better to leave this person, if you can afford leaving.

  • July 23, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    I believe people stay in unhealthy relationships because they don’t know what healthy is. And, it’s always safe to be with what you know or have always known. “Better the Devil You Know, than the Devil You Don’t Know”

    • August 1, 2014 at 1:14 am

      Hey jade :),
      I agree with this comment somewhat, but i think that for some, its not as easy as that. Some people might realise things arent right, but seriously not know how to change themselves to get out. Then there are some people whom have grown up from childhood with parents where they feel they are never good enough, cant do anything right what have you and then even know when they get older that they werent treated “normal” and they meet a guy, or girl and things go great at first (because it always seem SOME people but on this great guy/girl act) and then they catch feelings and then as time goes by, they are in an unhealthy relationship again but this time its not the parents, its someone you have kids with, or love but then you slowly start to see that this person is treating you how you are used to without realizing it. Its almost like a subconsious thing. And then there are some people that deal with situations like this that never see that it is being treated unhealthy all over again because thats all they know. It is by all means NO excuse, but i can somewhat understand and see that in certain peoples lives. And most have low self esteem issues and coupled with everything else, they tend to just give up and dont fight to do better or get out.
      I am not saying this about everyone, but i think we all go throuh life changing experiences as we are growing up that affects us our whole lives, good, bad, indifferent. Some people just dont have the willpower and self esteem to get out, or they just dont know how or are scared of change or the unknown.
      These are just my thoughts on the matter and i enjoy looking at life through others eyes and experiences because none two are the same. 🙂
      I have read some of your comments on this page, and i must say that i love your spunk and just not having it attitude. Lol. I get it. Some people just might not be able to see through the clouds and put their foot down or dont have the courage to do so. Maybe some just need a person to talk too or give them positive thoughts…heck who knows..lol but i must say that i enjoy reading your comments here 🙂

  • July 23, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    It’s the devil you know, vs. the devil you don’t, and, and, loneliness really sucks. After you’ve been with someone for a while, parting is such sweet sorrow. Then, there’s The Kids, or other joint property, or, relative/friend pressure to work it out, somehow. And, personal inertia. Even if you’re tired of the old man, had it with the ball and chain, changing your life, separating, moving, divorce proceedings, all require initiative, energy, and, money. That’s all I got, on this.

    • August 11, 2014 at 12:47 am

      Absolutely agree. Feel so low in self esteem and confidence from the whole situation- no strength or ability to find a way to leave and start afresh. Especially when they are going to be nasty or you have to share child custody and are worried how that will be. All too hard.

  • July 24, 2014 at 12:49 am

    I am currently working up the courage to end an unhealthy relationship. I am not financially dependent, have my own income and the house belongs to me (we made a financial agreement when we began so hopefully I keep my house) my biggest problem is that I have a son with mental illness who lives with us and my partner resents his presence. He is often nasty to him and I am basically afraid that if I ask him to leave he will take it out on my son – he already blames him for everything that is wrong in the house!!

  • July 24, 2014 at 1:27 am

    I’ve had my share of bad relationships and at my age I am not going through another trip bag with someone else. I rather be alone than with someone who is going to take advantage of me or work their issues on me. I feel, if the fear of being along is a problem, then get a dog, fish, cat, pet mouse, etc. But, staying with a person because the fear of being along is a factor, then the other person is not the problem. I am alone and I pay my own bills. I rather work 3 jobs and down size or whatever it takes not to depend on another person because I need their money. I rather sleep in my car than be with a jerk. And, I will not be with a person at my own expense or the expense of someone I am suppose to love and protect. I was sexually abuse and just when I spilled the beans and my mother said, “I thought that was going on”, she sure kept me in the reach of the abuser. Excuses be Gone…….

  • July 24, 2014 at 2:37 am

    Hi. I’ve been married almost 15 years. My husband does not cheat on me, beat me, curse at me or belittle me. He doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs. He works and does dishes and cooks. I have gone so far as to call attourneys to start the divorce process but haven’t followed through. I know that I don’t trust him with money or to assure that we have a nice stable home. He has gotten is in trouble with taxes and after we lost our home in a fire he was not proactive in helping to get us a new home. Instead he took the insurance money and bought a bar. I think our marriage broke at that point. I don’t trust him to be a provider for our family. I’ve asked him to leave twice but he won’t go. It’s like moving a mountain. So, it’s like you said, I’ve decided to stay in the marriage for the sake if our daughter. I know that I’m better off than most women who have truly aweful husbands. But where there is no trust how long can a marriage survive?

  • July 28, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    I have been married for 16 years. 2 preteen kids. My husband doesn’t smoke, abuse alcohol or drugs and works very hard to provide for our family. I am 100% sure he does not cheat or is gay. We have had ZERO intimacy for the last 9 years. I have tried over and over and over to teach out to him. I thought I could live without it Nd tried to pretend all was well. Everyone that knows him thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t want to hurt or disrupt my children’s lives. I met someone 4 months ago and started having an affair. We have fallen in love. Yet I feel so much shame and guilt… To the point of considering sucide several times as I feel there is just no right way to fix any of this any more. Anyone out there going through the same thing? Never thought I would be the type to have an affair or get divorced. Do I just sacrifice my need for love and intimacy for the greater good? I’m so lost and confused. My husband has refused all requests to go to therapy and will not talk about it. Any input would be appreciated

    • July 30, 2014 at 1:50 am

      Please dont think of hurting yourself. I think a lot of things in life is a test, and some of the most difficult things in our lives makes us stronger, even though we dont realize it at the time, it seems years later we can look back on certain situations and see it did make us stronger. Even if you made a mistake and can not take it back, you still learned something from it.
      Sweetie here are my thoughts on what you wrote…my heart goes out to you, it really does. No one is going to be able to tell you to leave or to stay. Your going to have to do some major soul searching and decide what you think is the best thing for you to do.
      Maybe you can sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling about things. That you need more attention, or what you need from him to make you happy, or find that happiness again that the two of you once shared. Also, you might find that you really need to work on yourself and leave both of them alone until you find yourself, or you make yourself happy again. Im not saying there is anything wrong with you. Lol i am just saying from experience i know i go through stages where i think i would like to live alone again, to not have the responsabilties of that commitment to someone else…does that make sense?? Lol but then other days im just okay with having him around. I am going through the same feelings and things you are (without kids, and him and i have been together 12yrs and we have our issues) i havent cheated or dont have anyone else, and id dont think he does..lol..but i dont know your feelings or how things are other then what you posted. Sometimes the grass isnt greener on the other side.
      I dont think anyone should stay together just for the kids. I think if you do that, then at some point you will loose a certain part of yourself that you may never find again and if your not happy or stable then your kids will see this, or pick up on it no matter if you think they do or not. Then when they get married, or with someone they will think its “normal” or how its supposed to be and its like a cycle.
      Honestly, from what i have learned and thought about recently is that i have to work on myself, within reason to make myself stronger and happy and then go from there. And i have to make mistakes and go through things that arent fun sometimes to learn, but its a process. Please dont hurt yourself or ever think about it. Your kids need you no matter how old they are. You need to find yourself, really think about things, what you want out of a realtionship and what you will deal with and what you wont and then communicate with them to make it work. That might mean staying with your husband, going with the other guy, or you may find out that being and living alone is what makes you happiest. You never really know 🙂

    • July 30, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      If you are 100% sure your spouse is not having an affair or homosexual, then perhaps there is a medical or emotional issues. Nine years with out being intimate with your spouse is a long time. Nevertheless, if your not already in therapy, do it for yourself. or else, if you are deep down ok with the direction of your Marriage, then there is nothing to be said…

    • July 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      Hello DianaMSM,

      I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. You have every right to want to feel loved, to want to be held, to be honored and treated with respect. Your husband is not doing that, because you have been in pain for 9 years and he knows it.

      I know you are fragile now, and this may hurt. Your kids are seeing what he is doing to you, and they may do the same thing to their spouses, or, it may happen to THEM! You don’t want that. You are stronger than you can imagine; you deserve love, and you don’t deserve abuse.

      I have been saying this to myself today over and over: When you are going through hell, DON’T STOP! I am running through hell right now!

  • May 25, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Great post. I have nany friends who cone to me for advice and I always reccommend the go to a therapist or get counseling. They just do not know how much it helps them to overcome their issues and break their bad relationship cycles.

  • May 25, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Great post. I have many friends who come to me for advice and I always reccommend they go to a therapist or get counseling. They just do not know how much it helps them to overcome their issues and break their bad relationship cycles.

  • January 31, 2020 at 12:39 pm

    sometimes its hard to leave someone that we know its not healthy for us to be with. What some people don’t understand is being love with a toxic person it’s like being under a spell that you get out of. The word I love you goes long way especially for someone with low self-esteem and haven’t heard it be for. People are so quick to say you can leave there’s places for you to go but what if children is involved or people health is not so well.


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