25 thoughts on “What is Complicated Grief?

  • August 25, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    I had been seeing a bereavement counselor one on one for months and had also been going to groups, but I was not progressing at all within a year. In fact, both situations were damaging. Nobody really understood me. And I often wondered why not? What makes me so different? Why isn’t any of this helping me?

    Later during that time, upon doing my own research about grief, I discovered that I was experiencing “complicated grief,” which was not being properly or adequately addressed. I made my bmt. counselor aware that I had “comp’d. grief,” and all he said was: “It’s grief that takes longer.”

    That was not the total answer. Getting nowhere, ultimately I abandoned counseling and groups since I was always felt worse afterwards.

    Months later< I am still in a very painful stagnant position, not able to move forward. So I made an appt. with another bmt. counselor.

    Until then, this article helped me to understand that I am not going crazy.

    Reply
    • November 21, 2014 at 10:23 am

      Ann, I hope you’re feeling somewhat better. I can relate to what you’re going through. as I believe I’m going through the same kind of thing. I understand why I’m going through what I’m experiencing and know many people wouldn’t understand. I’m in the process of getting counseling for something else I’ve been diagnosed with in the past … depression. Good luck to you.

      Reply
    • March 27, 2015 at 11:48 pm

      Ann,
      good luck with finding a new therapist. You should ask them about their experience with complicated grief during the free phone consult. Best therapist I ever had was recommended by a neighbor who is a psychologist; that is probably the best way to fin a complicated grief therapist.

      Reply
    • February 24, 2019 at 5:25 am

      Dear Ann, I understand I’m replying to an older comment that you wrote, and hope that you see this reply. I wanted you to know that I can honestly relate to everything you are saying. I suffer from the same exact thing as you do, and have had the exact outcomes with my therapists. I hope that you’re doing much better, as I find myself still struggling but have faith that things will get much better. We have so much in common, and I pray that you’re doing better and happy in life. I hope that I hear back from you I believe we could help one another greatly. Kindly, Janis
      P.S. Just wondering if the moderators are able to give out someone’s email? I would like Ann to have mine. If this is not allowed I completely understand

      Reply
  • November 23, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Alex, This is my 2nd attempt to reply to you because apparently the moderator chose
    not pass my 1st one. Nothing bad or nasty. In fact, it was quite helpful…but I suppose not consistent with the focused topic of complicated grief.

    I do have complicated grief; and deep,unrelenting depression WAS a great part of it. I am feeling better now, but apparently I am not allowed to tell you how I over-came the depression part of it.
    I’m so very sorry.
    All I can say (<<<I hope)is that YOU CAN DO IT too!

    Reply
  • December 20, 2014 at 7:09 am

    im struggling with almost all these symptoms but it’s over my mother, who isn’t dead.. She isn’t and never has been a mother to me.. Anyway is there something similar to this kind of grief for non deceased?

    Reply
    • June 11, 2015 at 7:10 pm

      Brit, like you struggling with lots of these emotions about someone who isn’t dead..and still living in my house and whom I still love. But he did something very stupid, spent a year in prison and was very publicly shamed. Though we still have friends there is no more respect for him and he is shunned in the community, there’s no chance of another job and the children are discriminated against because of his actions.
      He was a local public figure who did loads of good for the community, now he’s a figure of hate – yet in reality still a good,honest and gentle man.
      I can’t help thinking about it all the time.

      Reply
  • February 9, 2015 at 3:12 am

    I lost my mother a short time ago 2 months to be exact and still everyday think it isn’t real. I have a 10 month old baby and feel that I am not being the mother I should be due to my preoccupied thoughts of my own mother. I am showing all characteristics of complicated grief which scares me. I do not have medical insurance to provide me counseling I feel that I need which in turn scares me even more. I just keep telli g myself that this shall pass and that it cannot stay this way forever. This selftalk is the only thing I have to help.

    Reply
    • February 9, 2015 at 10:06 am

      Hi, Chris, very sorry about the very painful loss of your mom.
      The b’mt. counseling service I went to were a free community service. Perhaps your area has that too. Ask your doctor’s office, or call hospice, or some place else that would be able to direct you. Meantime, if possible, talk to someone whom you trust…who will LISTEN…and not judge or give nonsensical or painful “advice.” Also, that is exactly how I got thru the most painful part of my loss…with POSITVIE self-talk.
      You’re right Chris: it cannot and will not be like that forever. The Light WILL shine again…

      Reply
      • February 22, 2015 at 4:58 am

        Ann I appreciate your response and kind words. I have spoken to Hospice which was a nice bit of release, I actually felt a slight upward shift in mood and emotion. The hospice in my area will be having group meetings starting soon, I plan on attending in order to

        Reply
  • March 16, 2015 at 10:41 am

    I’m having a really hard time getting over the lose of my 14 year old cat named Jinx. Jinx was my life best friend. He slept in my arms under the blankets every night for 14 years. I suffer from PTSD. And he was a hugh confront to me when i was awakened every night from bad nightmares. Everytime jinx would look at me I could see the love he had for me in his eyes. He followed me every where. I never loved anyone or anyrhing like I did Jinx. Loosening jinx is the hardest thing i have ever gone through. It’s been 2 years now and I still cry for him and miss him something firce he was my life. I want him back. I just cant seem to get over him. People tell me he was just a cat and i just want to flip out. Jinx was my life. I dont like hurting like this but I cant get over him.

    Reply
    • March 17, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Karen, Years ago, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I FIRMLY made up my mind to recover, and I did so quite well. Since I am an animal lover, I have the deepest compassion and understanding from my MANY fur-family experiences with regard to your feelings about Jinx…who was definitely NOT “just a cat.” Jinx was a VERY special being, who gave you all of his love and attention… and with that, I believe animals have a lot to teach humans. And each one, like Jinx, gives us something that we can use to help us thru our life when it gets VERY difficult. >>>>>Realize for yourself what Jinx gave to you…his legacy…use it to move forward…and he will live not only in your heart, but thru you in all good ways.<<<<
      And if you believe in Heaven, he WILL be there waiting for you. Until then, you have a job to do as Jinx taught you. Always remember that death cannot sever the bonds of love. Take care, sweet Karen.

      Reply
    • March 26, 2015 at 3:06 am

      Dear Karen, Even after 5 years of my son’s passing, killed in a traffic accident just after he turned 30, I was still waking up at night with nightmares and would still cry many hours a day from loosing him. Not having family support to help me emotionally heal, I was an emotional mess…Close to the anniversary of his death, on a cold rainy winter day – no snow where I live – I heard the tiny mewing of a kitten coming from a bush pile on my property. The tiny kitten, with ears still curled, too young to be away from its mother. I suspected it wasn’t abandoned, most likely the mother was killed by a predator as the kitten was not skinny nor dirty, just wet and cold. I took her inside and warmed her up, keeping her on my lap. I did watch for days for the mothers return…Little did I know, then, the impact this little girl would have on my progress towards healing the kicked-in-the-stomach pain I was living with every day for 5 years. When I awoke from a bad dream, she was there on my chest and I would cradle her as I knew she was feeling a loss of her own and needed love, this tiny little orphan. As time went on she grew into a beautiful adult who followed me on my daily rounds, more dog like in many ways. Sleeping with me at night, curled up on my side. Then at 3 years of age, she had a terrible reaction to a vaccination and died. Like you, I was devastated and felt like I had lost a human companion. Not being a person to just replace a lost pet, It happened again where I found myself being the caretaker of 4 kittens, being too young to be away from their mother. I guess my point is, do get a kitten to care for from a cat rescue shelter, there are many kittens out there that need the love and compassion that only a person like you can give. By helping an orphan kitten the way Jinx helped you, is honoring him. Even though a kitten can never replace Jinx, it could help you by softening the severe grieving that has been a big part of your daily life. As I write this, Max is looking upon me with love in his eyes… Please take care of yourself.

      Reply
    • February 22, 2017 at 1:55 am

      I’m in the same situation as you. I lost my Dylan.

      Reply
      • February 23, 2017 at 3:34 am

        Dear Liz, are you doing okay?

        Reply
    • August 7, 2018 at 12:54 am

      I fill your pain…my little sweet baby dog, Aspen is 15 years old, diabetic but has done well with insulin for 5 years. I can just see how he’s acting a lot now isn’t good…He’s super tired, but other times he’ll be acting normal. Everyone tells me I need to be ready for when his time comes. 😢 I seriously am so attached to him, Love him with all my heart. He’s my sidekick buddy. and he knows me, loves me and loves to comforts me 💙 So, I’m hoping I can get help and advice of how others dealt with this pain . Thanks to all ❤️

      Reply
  • October 20, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    Dear Karen,
    As I read your comment, I burst out crying. I lost the love of my life, my 15-yr old calico, Morgan, Valentine’s night. Didn’t get to spend time with her, loving her and saying goodbye one more night because they were closed Sunday and I didn’t want her to suffer two days to make me feel better. It’s because of her I found out what complicated grief was. Eight months later, everyone thinks I have finally “gotten over it” but the truth is I hide my pain to make everyone else feel better. They didn’t know what to do to “help” me get over it so I let them think I’m okay. But I’m not. I’m beginning to feel like I’ll never get past this — what one of the commenters said — kicked in the gut feeling. I’ve since adopted 4! kittens and although I love them and they do keep me distracted, I still feel like someone ripped my guts out — I am an empty shell. I don’t cry every night until I can’t breathe and have an excruciating headache anymore so I guess that could be considered progress but it doesn’t change the fact that I still think about her all the time, accidentally call the kittens by her name, and sometimes sleep with her ashes because that’s as close as I can get to her now. I recently “saw” her in a brief dream. She was walking over to me while I slept on the bed, did her little “hey, how you doing?” sound at me and I had this feeling she was telling me she was okay and to stop grieving her. I sincerely hope our beloved pets do go to Heaven because it would not be Heaven for me without them and, if that’s the case, I can’t wait to get there just to see her and all my beloved animals again. Of course, people, too, but that’s a given, where pets are not as certain. The rescuer I adopted the kittens from told me she understood if I wasn’t ready but that the best way to honor Morgan’s memory was to provide the love and care she received to others in her place. I am doing my best to pay it forward, and it does help. >^.^<

    Reply
  • December 16, 2015 at 4:06 am

    I’m a man now 64 years old, the oldest of five kids. In 2001 at the age 49, I moved in with my retired mother to help her. She couldn’t afford to live alone and her health wasn’t the greatest. She was the last of my family when growing up. Father, grandparents, aunts and uncles had already passed. Up until now, my biggest loss was my maternal grandfather. He remains, my idol. Taking on and accepted the job, to have mom not wanting for anything. She had sacrifice so much for me. Now it was my turn! I looked at it, as an honor. To be able to show the gratitude and the love felt for her. After fighting cancer for 14 months, she passed in June 2007. Then in September that same year, I lost my job. Six months after my mother, my brother passed that December. Dying of asbestos lung cancer. He and I were very close, there was only 14 months age difference between us. We were truly brothers, argue and cussing each other one day. Then the next day all was forgotten. What happen yesterday stays with yesterday. Like my mother, I loved him deeply. I knew they were leaving me, but knowing didn’t make it feel any better. At that point I realized I was alone. Moving into February of 2008, I lost the home my mother and I lived in. Now, broke and homeless, I had to move in with a friend. In April 2008 having my first of three heart attacks. Doing nothing about the first two attacks because of lack of having health insurance. After the last one in August, I had damaged my heart enough; I was forced to apply disability from social security. Like my pride, hadn’t taken a beating enough. Sat on the paperwork for social security for about 4 to 6 weeks before filling them out. Afterwards waited 2 years penniless for that. Borrowing and relieving on friends for help. I would never wish that to happen on anyone. Including the testing of a friendship. My health and finances have improved greatly since then. My sense of loss hasn’t. I don’t have a wife or children. My remaining brothers and sister, I don’t having a relationship with. This isn’t been my choice and have tried many times to find out why it’s the way it is. I can’t explain the feeling of loneliness, I have. All the anchors that we have in life, family, for me are gone. Like one day, I had my legs were kicked out from under me. Not to say, I don’t have some very caring and loving friends, I do. They encourage me to get out and do things. I don’t see the point. I ask myself, why? Haven’t been on a date in over 12 years. Divorced twice, I’m sacred to death of dating. I may have another relationship in me, but I’m not sure about another breakup. When it comes to others things in life. I keep searching for the answer to, why? The dreams I had in my 20s and 30s are gone. I just look at them, as another lost. I spent my time inside my head, living with ghost of dead people. Add in regret and sadness. Knowing I came and will leave here alone. I didn’t expect; I’d spent my life like that. Am I stuck? You betcha! Quote for my life comes from French author André Maurois; “Without a family, man, alone in the world, trembles with the cold.”

    Reply
  • May 19, 2016 at 7:57 am

    I have been having a lot of difficulty with loss of my husband 5 months ago. He passed 4 days after what was to be routine surgery. I’m feeling guilt because I was too sick to be with him in the hospital. We had always spoken about how important it was for a patient to have an advocate 24/7. Because it was to be just one night we decided it was ok and not to postpone since his daughters could be there. After 2 days they both had to go back to work and my doctor advised against my going since I had bronchial pneumonia. I was cleared to go the 5th day and couldn’t wait to see him. We spoke 4pm that Friday and I told him how much I loved him and missed him. I was going to sleep early so that I could be there at dawn. At 8:40 that night I was awakened by one of his daughters and she had been trying to reach him to say goodnight. Finally she tracked down the floor nurse and was told that he had trouble breathing at 7 and they transferred him to ICU. I raced to the hospital and learned that there had been no physician on duty at the ICU until 9. The on call doc wasn’t called until 8:15. At 9:15, while enroute and nearly there the hospital called me for permission to intubate and insert a centraline. Until then he just laid there all alone. The doctor told me that when he arrived his BP was 50/12. And although measures were taken it was too late. My poor husband died all alone. It’s not like we see on TV. There were no alarms, no team of nurses and doctors working on him. The nurses never called his physician, his family …..it was the Friday night before Christmas. I loved this wonderful man and we had a very good marriage. He was my best friend and I was his. We were like 2 peas in a pod. I keep thinking that had I been there perhaps he would have gotten the attention he deserved or at the very least he wouldn’t have died alone. He must have been so scared because he couldn’t breathe. I’m so angry, sad and remorseful. His daughters and I cling to each other. We have grown so close – he would love that.

    Reply
  • October 26, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    Just browsing tonight, and have come across this page which has told me what I have, and am thankful for a name for it, but after my family doctor for thirty plus years,a psychiatrist (two fruitless sessions) appeals to the hospice society for grief consoling, and abandonment by all friends after the first two weeks, avoiding contact as promised to my late and dear spouse of 53 1/2 years before she passed, that I would be looked after, all have been fruitless At age 77, and having no one, no neighbor, no relative to check on me, all I can do is have complete breakdowns into deep grief, and your name for it is complicated grief…of which I scored a 52 in your test….which does not surprise me at all, and I expect no relief, as I have so many episodes of waking from a nap, or in the middle of the night, and realize just how alone I am. I think to myself, try another grief consultant, but after the rejection of so many, I view it as a endless grasping for a solution….My Dear one left with me holding her hands, and I held them until I felt the cold and stiffness of death setting in. This event was in Mid-February of 2016, and it is in my memory instantly. I will break into tears no matter where I am, indeed, some are triggered by shopping at the same stores, and avoiding eating where we used to….dinners are without merit…there is no urge to have a meal that I must eat alone. I have lost, through my own looking back, a lifetime of memories. I am in a state of constant shock, and can no longer see her face except in death, nor can I recall any of our happy years together. I nursed her through years of overlapping illness, visits to doctors, and became in the end her primary caretaker, both at home and in the hospital. Yet the home and her special place, a building that was her “playhouse” for beads and sewing, stands as she left it. Indeed the entire property is “as she left it…” She was cremated, and she and the remains of our joint love, a dog that shared us and our bed for years who passed just four months ago, causing me more grief on top of what I already had….so we three are to be scattered about our garden, with other pets, in the middle of the Appalachian Mountains on our 10 acres that has been our home for coming four decades. There are few of us that go through what I have, though I have stories of local people spending day-times sitting next to their loved ones grave. So I hope that someone reading this will know that out there is a lonely and broken man, who worked for 46 years, and devoted every living moment to his wife, and has nothing but tears to show for it. And what ever memories that I can force myself to think of, but I dare not touch anything of hers. And yes, this is a part of it all, that she is going to come back…and the sorrow of no snuggling, no hugs, no kisses….I feel I am to live out my days and pass alone, having no one to wonder where “he is”….all I ask is, a hug and a kiss from her, and the comfort of someone who also is inflicted with the everlasting love for their departed one.

    Reply
    • October 29, 2016 at 12:50 pm

      Hello Kirk,

      First I would like to say I’am so sorry for your loss of wife, and your dog. I understand your pain and suffering, but know that over time it will ease up. It may not seem like it now and that is ok. It is better to feel breakdowns and deep grief, you my friend are processing emotions, and working through them. It does get better I promise. If I can share with you I have lost a good friend and co-worker to suicide, a sudden loss to a best friend from a car accident, my sister, family members, friends, my father 3 years ago, and my mother this past March. And because of her passing my brother and his family have written me out of their life’s. My heart is broken, I get consumed and find myself snapping in and out of it.I also left a guy of a 8 year relationship because of the things I found out he was doing behind my back. I quit a job four days ago because I feel like I’m trying to do to much at once and am making things worse. I made a decision to move out of state to be with my daughter and her family. This is all I have left, along with a hand full of friends back home, and what is left of family. Since my mother’s passing I can not cry about it. I have had some small tears, but nothing more. I think I’m dealing with this complicated grief. Her and I did not have the best relationship sadly. I did my best always, but she was not much of a mother towards me. So when I moved I also left 2 pets behind of 13 and 15 years old. I miss them real bad, but I have plans to get them back when I’m more established here in my new life.I’am currently seeking a group where they offer grievance counseling to guide me to more forward. I have also learned that we live or we die on this earth. It is a journey, and I will live it to be 100 years old. I will SURVIVE, and so will YOU! It takes time. God Bless You.

      Reply
    • October 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      Hello Kirk,
      Forgive Janet for she does not understand your pain and feelings- those things she listed I have lost too within the last few years but none compared to the passing of the passion of my youth-my wife of 25 years this year. I and our two children were at her bedside at home holding her hands when she breathed her last breath and that HURT! We did everything together because we wanted to be together and loved each other. The pain and grief is unsurpassed and may never end. My Sunday School teacher, a man of 85 years young, told me his father grieved tears almost every night at the passing of his wife till he died. I am like “Monk” from TV when it comes to his wife’s things also, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. My wife’s ashes will be scattered in the High Country of the Appalachians where we are from. I find my grief bothers others more than it should- they need to get over it. She was my love and my companion for life not theirs. I am not glad to see you grieving- I am not one of those people who delight in finding others in the same bad circumstance. Carry on, brother mountain man.

      Reply
      • November 1, 2016 at 10:19 am

        I had thought over the letters I received at this site…..I regret that your time together was too short, but how can we be the judge of when time is over for us. The comfort at least, of being there and having a personal relationship of what we all must face is a force beyond those who have not had physical contact at the end must deal with it in their own ways. I could not bear the thought of my wife being six-hundred some miles away at the end of the Southern Appalachians and we had agreed to cremation, and that we would be scattered together, and also our dear dog who passed away three months after my wife. She (the dog) did her best to comfort me, snuggling up to me in bed and always at my side. Like my wife I held her in my arms…there is no difference in the expressions of grief, all of us being creatures of the provider of all. At my advanced age, I can see a short but lonely road ahead for me, but for you, you still have the vitality of life to bolster you up. We both deal with this as best we are able, and in the end, we too, will find the peace our loved ones went to.

        Reply
  • August 17, 2017 at 8:21 am

    Dearest Everyone,
    I am glad for this ‘Name” for my situation also. I lost my Daddy Nov @015. IHe had started right after Christmas 2014 getting weaker, but not so much so that I really noticed. He was also doing strange little things, getting up at midnight or 2 a.m. making coffee, only using the same eating utensils and dishes/glass. {I did the dishes..lol} Not Various things…so I made an appointment and we went to his doctor. He drove and almost hit the median. He loved to drive all over, out in the country…just drive..so the doc examined him, said he sounded a little wheezy, gave him a script~ told him to stop smoking and said his oxygen was low, that could account for odd behavior~to keep an eye out for it continuing or worsening.
    He seemed to get better, but I got up one morning around ( and fouind him on the floor in his room. I don’t know how long he had been thjere, he was in a sitting position, had wet himself and said he’d been calling for me…didn’t know how long he’d been there. My heart dropped and I felt so so bad… Well, I couldn’t get him up~called 911. Firemen came, they were able to get him onto his bed. He was a tall man..6’1. They talked to him for awhile, then satisfied he was oriented mentally enough, they stood him up~but he was unsteady. So they held him up …said if he could walk to his chair he could stay, but otherwise he was going to the hospital. He went to hospital, where he ended up in ICU, diagnosed with Aspiration Pneumonia, and low blood. He needed antibiotics and a blood transfusion. Come to find out he had an aneurysm in a very unusual place and a pancreas almost gone! So, surgery to fix the leaking aneurysm before it burst. He did great. Following this tho, was 4 months of a very sick man, in and out of the hospital, nursing home for rehab, multiple blood transfusions as he kept losing blood from an unknown place…and his mind started to actually go. Prayed it was from being in the hosp and everything like they said it probably was…he had many moments of clarity…anyway, I finally brought him home~I ‘d been a home health aide 30+ years, nursing school all but 6 wks {had baby}I knew I could take care of my dad. They said he probably only had two months at the most. By this time he was having to have his food pureed and his liquids thickened. He was aspirating food and drinks…which is why he was sick in the first place..but with his mental state declining, it was worse. He was seeing bunnies run across his bed, the nurses were smoking in the hallways {he wanted a cigarette BADLY..LOL}…etc I KNOW THIS IS LONG..I’M SORRY..I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND I’VE NOT TOLD THIS YET. I got a nurse to come once a week,physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy {for his swallowing} and
    supplies arranged and a bed and brought him home. It was a wonderful~scary~frustrating~beautiful~painful~rewarding 7 months that I would do over again and I was with him when he died and I slept with him for 7 hours after he died holding his hand until my kids finally woke me up to call for them to come get him. I couldn’t face waking up. I wanted to go with him. I still do. It still doesn’t seem right or real that my daddy isn’t alive…he isn’t here…where is he I can’t deal with it and I’m not moving on and I think I know how people die from grief. My dear friend died the following Fedruary…and I have another one who had throat cancer, had to get an emergency hole in his throat at ER cuz he couldn’t breathe night b4 surgery. After his 7 weeks of chemoradiotherapy he doc says they’ll be checking regularly as it’s a particularly aggressive form of cancer.I am there for him..I studied so much about natural treatments and things, I just have a feeling…he’s so brave tho and I just love this guy…he’s not anything but my dear friend…I can’t lose him too. My dad is on my mind every day and nightI miss him so much…I am so sorry for going on so long…
    Oh God…Thank you if you publish this~

    Reply
  • August 17, 2017 at 8:35 am

    Dearest Everyone,
    I am glad for this ‘Name” for my situation also. I lost my Daddy Nov 2015. IHe had started right after Christmas 2014 getting weaker, but not so much so that I really noticed. He was also doing strange little things, getting up at midnight or 2 a.m. making coffee, only using the same eating utensils and dishes/glass. {I did the dishes..lol} Various things…so I made an appointment and we went to his doctor. He drove and almost hit the median. He loved to drive all over, out in the country…just drive..so the doc examined him, said he sounded a little wheezy, gave him a script~ told him to stop smoking and said his oxygen was low, that could account for odd behavior~to keep an eye out for it continuing or worsening.
    He seemed to get better, but I got up one morning around 9 and found him on the floor in his room. I don’t know how long he had been there, he was in a sitting position, had wet himself and said he’d been calling for me…didn’t know how long he’d been there. My heart dropped and I felt so so bad… Well, I couldn’t get him up~called 911. Firemen came, they were able to get him onto his bed. He was a tall man..6’1. They talked to him for awhile, then satisfied he was oriented mentally enough, they stood him up~but he was unsteady. So they held him up …said if he could walk to his chair he could stay, but otherwise he was going to the hospital. He went to hospital, where he ended up in ICU, diagnosed with Aspiration Pneumonia, and low blood. He needed antibiotics and a blood transfusion. Come to find out he had an aneurysm in a very unusual place and a pancreas almost gone! So, surgery to fix the leaking aneurysm before it burst. He did great. Following this tho, was 4 months of a very sick man, in and out of the hospital, nursing home for rehab, multiple blood transfusions as he kept losing blood from an unknown place…and his mind started to actually go. Prayed it was from being in the hosp and everything like they said it probably was…he had many moments of clarity…anyway, I finally brought him home~I ‘d been a home health aide 30+ years, nursing school all but 6 wks {had baby}I knew I could take care of my dad. They said he probably only had two months at the most. By this time he was having to have his food pureed and his liquids thickened. He was aspirating food and drinks…which is why he was sick in the first place..but with his mental state declining, it was worse. He was seeing bunnies run across his bed, the nurses were smoking in the hallways {he wanted a cigarette BADLY..LOL}…etc I KNOW THIS IS LONG..I’M SORRY..I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND I’VE NOT TOLD THIS YET. I got a nurse to come once a week,physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy {for his swallowing} and
    supplies arranged and a bed and brought him home. It was a wonderful~scary~frustrating~beautiful~painful~rewarding 7 months that I would do over again and I was with him when he died and I slept with him for 7 hours after he died holding his hand until my kids finally woke me up to call for them to come get him. I couldn’t face waking up. I wanted to go with him. I still do. It still doesn’t seem right or real that my daddy isn’t alive…he isn’t here…where is he I can’t deal with it and I’m not moving on and I think I know how people die from grief. My dear friend died the following February…and I have another one who had throat cancer, had to get an emergency hole in his throat at ER cuz he couldn’t breathe night b4 surgery. After his 7 weeks of chemoradiotherapy he doc says they’ll be checking regularly as it’s a particularly aggressive form of cancer.I am there for him..I studied so much about natural treatments and things, I just have a feeling…he’s so brave tho and I just love this guy…he’s not anything but my dear friend…I can’t lose him too. My dad is on my mind every day and night I miss him so much…I am so sorry for going on so long…
    Oh God…Thank you if you publish this~

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