It happens at 2 o’clock, or 3 o’clock in the morning. I wake up and start obsessing over things which in turn keep me up for the remainder of the night. Logically, I know there is nothing in those hours to do about my issues but it doesn’t seem to stop this from happening.
Here’s just one scenario:
I should move my Doctors appointment cause I’m not sure if I am going to be able to make it although I know I need to go, but the thought of going is stressing me out. I should call first thing in the morning to reschedule, or maybe later in the day once I think more about it. But, what if I reschedule and the Doctor isn’t pleased cause I’ve avoided going to the Doctor for awhile and she’ll think something is up. Then when I go it’ll be a big deal or conversation for my cancellation, and need to reschedule for a later date. I should just go. Stop being a baby and keep the appointment. No, I’ll move it, it’s not a big deal. Calm down. Try and relax. You can’t do anything about it now so stop losing sleep, and you can deal with it in the morning. Just sleep on it and you’ll feel better with your decision. Wait, I know what will work. I’ll just prepare a text to send about moving the appointment with a reasonable excuse and have it ready to go when I get up in the morning. I can’t send it now cause I’d be weird to send a text in the middle of the night.
Damn, it’s now 4 am and I have to get up in 2 hours. Ok, I have to go to sleep. I can do this. Clear your mind. Get in a comfortable position. I’m thirsty but if I drink water I’ll have to get up and go pee, and if I am asleep I’ll wake up and not be able to go back to sleep, so I’ll try and go now and take a tiny sip of water before trying to go back to bed.
It’s 5 am. I only have one more hour to get rest. It’s 5:40 am. I have to get up in 20 minutes. If I even fall a little bit asleep now I might be more tired so I should just get up now. The sun’s not up and I hate getting out of bed when it’s dark outside. I’ll check the sunrise weather app on my phone. Ok, the sun is supposed to rise at 5:53 am. I’ll just wait in bed and get up then. Where’s my cat? He usually sleeps beside me. I think I tossed and turned too much and he got fed up and went to go sleep on the floor. What should I wear to work today? I feel fat so I might need more time to get ready and figure out what to wear.
It’s 5:50 am. What’s three more minutes waiting for the sun to rise when I can kinda see it on the horizon? Besides, I need time to get ready.
I’m up. I somehow wasted four hours of sleep, and now I am going to struggle all morning. I have to stop doing this to myself, but the more time goes on the higher my anxiety gets knowing I have to get up and hours are just going by while I am stuck obsessing and I’m losing out on precious rest.
Tomorrow night I will not do this. This has to stop cause I worked real hard to stop taking a sleep medication and I’m not going down that road again. If I have to torture myself with no sleep then that’s just going to be the case until I figure this out. I guess
I should keep my Doctor’s appointment and get help. Ok, I’ve made my choice. I’ll keep the appointment.