I don’t think of myself as an insecure person, however, I’ve given a lot of thought recently as to why I tend to get scared when it comes to making a decision – I hesitate, or stress out about it, or obsess over it, or ruminate over and over on decisions, or question myself, or feel fear. I wonder if all those emotions point to an underlying insecurity, and quite finally yes, I think it does.
When you are not sure of yourself, it is hard to make decisions cause you inevitably question yourself. It can be something mundane like should I put a hole in the wall to hang a picture cause I might ruin the wall if I screw it up? To something like not picking up a phone call cause I am afraid of what I might say to the person on the other end? Why do I care what comes out of my mouth if I am confident in who I am. Then there are times when I don’t know if I should speak up at staff meetings, not cause I think I’ll say something stupid or anything, it’s deeper than that. I won’t speak up cause deep down an insecurity rests in my being that takes over my ability to want to speak. It’s almost like a comatose experience where the insecurity suppresses my being.
It’s a complicated feeling cause insecurity runs deep, and can start at a young age and get embedded in the subconscious. I think back to when I was an adolescent and was made fun of for my freckled skin, or was teased for being chubby, which of course would result in insecurities. I didn’t feel confident about my skin till I was in my twenties. I didn’t feel confident about my weight till I was in my thirties, but, those are easy explanations of how insecurity can effect your mind. But, what if you can’t pin point an exact occurrence to explain your insecurities that result in indecisiveness that you are trying to curb.
Now, in my forties, I find that when I examine my indecisiveness it’s rooted in an insecurity that I can’t explain or understand but, I know it’s there. And by extension, insecurity and indecisiveness can also stems from shame. Shame is another deeply rooted emotion that has perplexities that run deep, and is hard to manage and overcome but, if I start examining times when I feel indecisiveness, I can try and be aware of what fuels those thoughts.
I guess I have to ask myself, what have I done in life to make me feel insecure, or, what has happened to me to make me feel insecure. I think it’s a two way street. I am not going to blame others for doing things to make me feel insecure without also taking a look at my own actions that have resulted in my insecurities all on their own. However, if I try analyzing the root of why it hard for me to make decisions, maybe my indecisiveness will slowly dwindle away.
When I experience indecisiveness, I have to stop and ask myself, what makes you feel insecure about a decision? I don’t think it is going to be easy answer because, like I said, I believe a lot of it lives in the subconscious mind but, at the very least, I can be aware and alert to how the link between indecisiveness and insecurity can be manageable. If I take a moment of introspection, and do my best to break it down, maybe eventually, I can be free from all of it.
I’m going to go put a nail in the wall. During the earthquake last weekend in California, some of my pictures fell down. I’m going to pick a place to hang them, and walk away.