Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between clinical depression and sadness. I’ve had a rough time recently, and it’s not like previous depressions where I can’t get out of bed, or I can’t pick up my phone, or don’t want to wash my floors, or just want to sit and watch the same lame shows over and over and over again. This is more subtle.
I don’t want to do go to work. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want to talk to people but, I’m still going through the motions. I’m pushing myself to stick to my routine but, even than I feel sad inside. And the worse part is I can’t pin point a particular reason for my sadness. Well, I do feel fat so that’s sad but there are tangible ways to get healthy. I have to do the work, I have to increase my workouts. I have to quit eating ice cream, but, if I am just going through the motions, it doesn’t really feel like it counts which I believe is a reflection of this lingering sadness.
Yesterday I got my DMV renewal for my Vespa. When I opened it I felt anxiety mixed with sadness cause it’s such a minor thing to deal with but I didn’t feel like dealing with it, and I knew it would hang over my head until I took care of it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to bed peacefully on Sunday night knowing I had to get up a little bit earlier to give myself time to put the sticker on before driving to work. And what if my X-ACTO knife wasn’t in my bike seat to slash the sticker so no one would try and steal it. All these stressful thoughts ran though my head all because I am too sad to walk downstairs to the garage? No. That’s where I draw the line. So I went like a robot down to take care of it. Did that minor act abolish the sadness? No, but it made me feel a sense of relief and slight happiness. Maybe if I can’t pin point the reason for my sadness at least I can point out minor things that bring me joy and alleviate the sadness.
Either way, whatever is going on inside, even if I can’t point to a reason I know it is only temporary. Sometimes in life it’s ok not to have a reason to feel sad. It’s ok to feel the sadness and if doing minor things like putting on the DMV sticker to the back of my bike makes me feel a little less sad than, that’s just want I’m going to have to do.
Now I just have to figure out what other minor thing I can do this weekend to help replace the sadness with some happiness and hopefully eventually the darkness will all go away.