I know we’re not friends but we know each other. Well, you know me based on the lies that John told you about me which means you don’t know me and, quite frankly, you don’t know John either.
I decided to write you this letter cause years ago on Valentine’s Day I was in a cab on the way to have dinner to celebrate with John, and I saw a text come in from you that read, “Wanna meet at The Falls for a drink?” I chose to ignore the text, which was stupid of me when I look back. Especially since we were living together, and had been for years. Here I am on my way for a romantic dinner with my boyfriend of several years, and he gets a text from some girl from his past asking him to join her for a drink on Valentine’s day?! But at that juncture in our relationship, I had already been so accustomed to his indiscretions that I felt trapped cause I was in love, and manipulated, and gas lite and deceived to the point where I was in too deep, and I felt too weak to dig my way out. So I chose to ignore it.
Then as time went on he would always avoid going to that particular bar with me. That’s probably a place you two would meet on occasion, so he didn’t want to risk the chance of the two of us running into each other. Flash forward months later we’re at dinner, and I see a phone call come in from you, which he ignored. When we got home he made some excuse that he needed to go make a phone call so when he stepped outside, I eavesdropped and heard him say, “I’d love to take you dancing.” I knew it had to be you on the other line, and that was the breaking point for me.
I retrieved all his clothes and threw them in his face, and I said we’re done. It’s funny to me that after multiple women sending me his sex texts and alerting me to his cheating over the years, I still stayed for so long and somehow the thought of him taking you dancing was the turning point for me. I love to dance, and he said he never dances and would never take me dancing so that truly put the nail in the coffin of my heart. Anyway, days later when I confronted him about it he said he was talking to his cousin who was coming in town and wanted to go out. Again, I knew it was a lie but when it comes to handling a conversation with a sociopath, it is merely impossible to navigate even when you know the truth. You can even have an email that another woman sends you from him that says, “Wanna f**k?” to warn you or show you his infidelities, and when you confront him about it, he’ll say, “That’s not me.” Even when it comes to technology and there is email with a specific address it came from, and there is the time and date it was sent, even then they find a way to manipulate the conversation to bury the truth. But in this case even th0ugh I knew you called him earlier during dinner and hours later he called back his “cousin” it’s not that I didn’t have concrete truth that it was you on the other line and not his “cousin,” it’s that I was so sucked in that somewhere inside me I managed to justify the fact that I didn’t have 100% proof even though I knew I was right. It’s funny how the mass manipulation of a sociopath can mess up your logic and mind after pulling strings of your heart, and you are left lost, confused, bewildered, and eventually soul-less.
So finally after years of this nightmare, and months of planning my mental escape through therapy, and slowly distancing myself from him. I was able to finally break free. Well, you helped with that without even knowing it. I discovered through Facebook that you too were in a relationship on your Facebook page. It’s interesting to gage where I was and how far I had come when I saw your pics together as a couple. It didn’t shock me. I didn’t even hurt me. It was the polar opposite of the angry reaction I had years ago when I threw all his clothes in his face for asking you out to dance. I was almost relieved cause this time I knew there was no turning back. But now I was faced with how do I respond? Experience had taught me that confronting him with the romantic couple pics of you two together would be just like years before when I confronted him with sex emails other women had forwarded me. He would deny that it was him, gas light me again, make me out to be crazy or bad, so decided not to go down that road. Instead, I opted to contact you and let you know the truth.
When you told John that I had messengered you to call me through your Facebook he knew he was caught. He blew up and left me a scathing message which I’m not going to get into cause it’s horrific. And he got to you before I could speak with you, and made me out to be someone that I am not. He probably made up a bunch of lies. He vilified me, made me out to be the “crazy ex-girlfriend” the bad one, when none of that is true.
But, you fell into his trap. He got to you before we could talk, and made it clear you were to never contact me. When I think of how you must have fallen into his trap a part of me felt pity for you, but another part was angry with myself for even trying to warn you. It also reminded me of all the other girls that tried to notify me of his cheating, and how he was able to turn the tables and convince me nothing was going on. But I always walked away knowing my instincts were right, however, my lack of strength and insecurities held me back. It kept me stuck and the process of recovery was long and hard.
I say all this cause I know what it feels like to be you. I know you probably know deep down inside there’s something off. He’s not telling you the full truth but now you’re trapped. I struggled with sending you this letter for many reasons but, when I think of all the time I lost loving someone that didn’t truly love me – that truly isn’t capable of unconditional love – and all the heartache and work it took to build myself back, I’d want that time back and my authentic self to breathe. And to be honest, I thought about sending you all his sex texts and whatnot over the past several months to prove that I am not the crazy one, and that he is the pathological liar but, what would that accomplish? You’d probably just be harmed, and they would haunt you like they did me when his other girls he was sleeping with would send facts to me. So if you manage to wake up one day, and remove yourself from what is a chronic toxic relationship, you might end up with regrets, and beat yourself up for time you lost. I used to do that. I would become angry with myself and all kinds of turmoil filled emotions would take charge of me. As much as I harbor resentment in how I was treated in the end, I did end up on top. I did evolve and became a stronger person. I did learn from my time with him, and know that such behavior will not be tolerated in my future, even if I may be susceptible to that, at least I can be more aware of the person I was all those years, and the person I’ve become now, and stand today.
So, here is my letter to you. You can take it or leave it, you’ll probably not in a place to take it right now, but, you’re probably not going to fully leave it, so my only hope for you is at some point, you find a way out.
Oh, and, Happy Valentine’s Day,