When it comes to dealing with borderline personality disorders, you are either in or you are out. And once you become out, you can find yourself dealing with regret, personal resentment toward yourself, guilt, and sometimes an ounce of shame. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Why am I carrying all the dirty emotional baggage that should really rest on the other persons arms. Well, unfortunately someone with that type of illness takes no accountability so transfers all the tormented emotions onto its victim. Somehow they are free from all that weight. So how to I free myself of what should weigh heavy on the other persons shoulders?
I’ve struggled with how things ended with my sociopathic ex-boyfriend cause it didn’t end well. I ended up being labeled the villain, and I’ve been dealing with regret and some disappointment in myself for how things ended. But when I break it down I realize that is the only way things could have gone down. Once I took a step back I figured it out:
When you are dealing with a personality disorder you are either in, or you are out.
So knowing that, why am I beating myself up for being out? Don’t I want to be free from him? Yes. Don’t I want to move on with my life? Yes. Don’t I want healthy relationships with appropriate boundaries and mutual respect? Yes. Don’t I want to be in a loyal trustworthy relationship? Yes. Don’t I want to feel authentic love? Yes.
The irony is somehow all these amazing qualities one should have in a relationship makes me, OUT?! – Yes.
So knowing that, why do I spend nights in bed staring at the ceiling ruminating on the fact that I am out and angry at myself for how things ended, and resulted in being on the outs. When I wheedle it down to my options of being in or out, it truly shouldn’t matter if I get labeled the bad guy. Sadly, if you are out you are going to have to deal with the fact that you will be painted the bad guy when I know my truth. I know what’s right, and part of being in a toxic relationship is going to result in having to accept being “out.”
It’s a strange thing. It’s weird that everything good about me gets twisted and puts me on the outs. I should be grateful I am out, but it’s still hard to swallow. It can mess with your mind, and people who suffer from personality disorders are experts in twisting things to fool you into thinking because you are out you are all the bad things that he or she labels you. It’s a lie. Don’t fall for it. When you find yourself beating yourself up that things didn’t end on the terms that you’d wish they had, know that is the strategic genius plan of the person to make you feel bad about yourself, and your decisions.
You want to be out. Know it’s a game, and you don’t want to play it. And only then will you be free.