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The Fumigation & The Fat Man

Don’t fat shame my cat, The Fat Man. He’s very sensitive, as am I.

So here’s the deal. I have been stressing about this for almost a week now, and I have two more days to figure out what I am going to do. My building has to be fumigated for God knows what, and I received a notice on my door last week that I need to remove my cat from my loft for 4 hours while they fumigate my place. Ah…no!

I have an elderly obese Tabby that is in no way shape or form to be removed from his home, even if it’s just temporarily. When you don’t have children, often times your pets become your kids, and I can say without any hesitation that I am one of those people. My cat sleeps beside me like a human being, and follows me everywhere I go, and we have a severe co-dependent relationship which I am not ashamed to admit.

So, I have to come up with a plan to stop the invasion of my home, especially since I have never had any insects or whatever they are trying to kill.  Recently, I read that Downtown LA has a typhus outbreak so maybe that is the issue. I don’t know, and I don’t care, cause I shouldn’t have to be inconvenienced cause other people don’t know how to keep their places clean. Anyway, I’ve decided I am going to first send a kind email to the building manager along the lines of something like this:

Dear Ms. Newman,

I hope this email finds you well.

I received the notice regarding the fumigation, and I will not be able to miss work Thursday to remove my cat for the extermination.  Aside from work obligations, due to my cat’s age and levels of obesity, he is at risk for a heart attack should he be under any stress, hence, I am requesting to be exempt from any fumigation in my unit.

My apologies for the inconvenience.

I appreciate you understanding, and attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Erica # 706

Now, if that doesn’t work, I think my next move is to write a letter from his “veterinarian” recommending that he not be removed. Does The Fat Man have a real vet? No. I don’t need some vet telling me he has fat in his blood, and must be put on a diet ASAP. His fat ass has never been on a diet, and the times I’ve tried he just cries and cries and cries, and it’s not worth the turmoil for either one of us. So here goes Plan B letter from the “vet”:

Dear Management:

Due to the potential high risk of stress and trauma, it is my recommendation that Ms. Loberg’s pet is not removed from his home for any temporary period of time.

Kindly,

Dr. Sylvia Jimenez

8383 Wilshire Blvd.

Los Angeles, CA 90211

Maybe I should not use the word “trauma” in there; is that too dramatic? It’s the truth so, why not? One of my first jobs was at that Beverly Hills address so although it’s a fake person, it’s not a fake address, and I am familiar with the area should I get questioned. But, what if that doesn’t work? Do I fake a surgery and answer the door in my pajamas and say I am bed ridden? Well, that could temporarily work but, I think being honest is the only way to go cause they’ll just try to reschedule it for another day. Honesty. What an interesting concept. Honesty is black and white, and I always do what I can to be honest but, in this case, I think it’s okay to bend the rule. So it’s a white lie, so what?!

I’m not budging on this one. Wish me luck.

P.S. Plan C is to fake a letter from my “lawyer” saying I am not okay with the shrewd killing of any species on the planet, so will not comply with any fumigation, period.

 

The Fumigation & The Fat Man

Erica Loberg

Erica Loberg was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. She attended Columbia University in New York and graduated with a BA in English. She is a published poet and author of Inside the Insane, Screaming at the Void, What Men Should Know About Women, What Women Should Know About Men, Diamonds From The Rough and Undressed.


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APA Reference
Loberg, E. (2018). The Fumigation & The Fat Man. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 12, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/manic-depression/2018/11/06/the-fumigation-the-fat-man/

 

Last updated: 7 Nov 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Nov 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.