Well, my first mammogram at 41-years-old came back with an, “abnormality.” So, I am scheduled for an ultrasound next week.
I think it’s important, given the history of denial when it comes to taking care of my physical health, to sit back and really feel what I am feeling. And, it’s hard to figure out what I feel. I’m not scared, but that could be denial. I’m not worried, but that also can be denial. I’m not anxious, at least I don’t think so, but it’s kinda shocking to get unknown results that need further investigation and try to remain calm.
Cancer runs in my family, but, I didn’t know that till my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died in 11 days, so, it’s all new to me. It’s like you go to the Doctor and now have to check off a bunch of boxes: high blood pressure, check, Alzheimer’s disease, check, and now cancer, check.
I can deal with high blood pressure and quit sodium, and I have pretty much accepted that since my Grandmother died from Alzheimers disease that for some odd reason I think I’m going to get it, but cancer? No. That’s not one I am willing to believe.
Thankfully I don’t have to right now. I have a week before I have to go back to take more tests but like I said, I think feeling your feelings in these moments are crucial in order to do your best to love and help yourself. Denial is a cross I can no longer bear. And if I am being completely honest, my Mom had breast cancer but I was told it was from hormones she took while going through menopause. At least that’s what I’ve always told myself and now, I don’t know what to think.
I’ve been walking around with skin cancer in the middle of my forehead on my face for years, and don’t flinch. Β But, the idea of cancer on the inside of my body is a whole other thing. Β We shall see.