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It’s Not That Simple

Depression is often depicted with images of someone isolated, or alone, or looking somber so, it can be deceiving when it creeps up on you in little ways that reflect depression. It doesn’t have to be some big thing like I can’t get out of bed.  Simply put: sometimes simple tasks are not that simple. So here we go…

I was sitting in the steam room at my gym over the weekend, and looked down at my toes and saw that they weren’t painted. I looked around and saw other women with polished pedicures, and wondered how long has it been since I got a pedicure? I have had pedicures for decades, and rarely wait till the polish chips to go get one, and here I am sitting with blank toes. I wondered why have I not taken care of my feet?  Yet, I recall a couple weeks ago I decided to not get them done, and cut my nails on my own but, now I could really use a professional and in my mind, as simple as it sounds, it is not that simple. I don’t want to go, and the thought of going seems merely impossible. Ok, so I blew off my shrink appointment and my dentist appointments last week so yes, that is an obvious sign of something being wrong but somehow, this pedicure thing is more of a red flag of depression, and it’s scary.

So I walked home in my flip flops, and unkept toes exposed, and so didn’t care. Then I looked around my place and it was immaculate. My dishes were done, my laundry was low, then I look in the mirror and bam. There’s another simple sign of my lingering depression. My roots were bad. I hadn’t been to my colorist in months, and it showed in my hair. So, here we go again. A simple task seems impossible. Picking up the phone to schedule an appointment, and walking across the street to make the appointment, seemed merely impossible. My poor hair was a victim of my depression. Poor hygiene is a known sign of depression but, I shower on a daily basis so that’s fine. However, for someone that always has a pedicure and great hair I have to admit something’s off.

If I were to tell someone on the outside that I can’t get myself to the salon I might hear something like, “What’s the big deal, just go do it, it only takes like 20 minutes and it’s walking distance from your house.” Nope. Still can’t do it, and I don’t expect people on the outside to understand but, I don’t see myself getting it done anytime soon, and the fact that walking down the street is a simple impossible task is troublesome.

Stimga and stereotypes can truly work against you when you suffer from depression. It can seem confusing when you have simple things you can’t seem to do, and people don’t get it. I can appear to be ok. I can check my mail but, wait, I have to stop and ask myself, how long has it been since I opened up the box and grabbed whatever mail I’ve been ignoring? How is it possible that a simple task like getting my mail seems so impossible? So I tell myself, I’ll just get the mail, and not open it. I literally have to bargain with myself to half ass a simple task.

I don’t expect the world to understand how simple things can be huge in my mind. Avoiding my mail, neglecting my hair, blowing off my toes are all simple things that have turned large. So now anxiety sets in when I think I hope this is not going to go farther South. I hope I can break this stupid cycle that I’m in cause, not being able to do simple things, is not that simple.

It’s Not That Simple

Erica Loberg

Erica Loberg was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. She attended Columbia University in New York and graduated with a BA in English. She is a published poet and author of Inside the Insane, Screaming at the Void, What Men Should Know About Women, What Women Should Know About Men, and Diamonds From The Rough.


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APA Reference
Loberg, E. (2018). It’s Not That Simple. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 20, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/manic-depression/2018/09/04/its-not-that-simple/

 

Last updated: 10 Sep 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Sep 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.