It is hard for me to make appointments, keep appointments, schedule things, and commit to anything except when it comes to my psychiatry sessions. However, there are times in my life that I am on the fence about keeping my appointments for whatever reason. And it’s the reason that I really have to pay attention to if I want to gage how I am doing. And even more important is to ask myself the following question:
Are they reasons or justifications?
I’ve been good for a long time with keeping my appointments but, I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist this week, and really want to reschedule. I have a good reason. My computer broke, and I had to drop hundreds of dollars for a new one, which was not an expense I was expecting this month. However, when I think of times in the past that I have rescheduled, I wonder if it happens to be at times when I am not doing well. I think I’m doing well, despite recent events in my life that are not ok, so think it’s not a big deal to reschedule. But there is a difference between reasons versus justifications. It’s easy to find ways to justify moving a psych appointment: money, laziness, don’t want to deal, don’t think I need it, can’t deal. I’m obviously on the fence about it, and flip flop between reasons versus justification, and I know I am going to waste time going back and forth in my mind about whether or not I should pick up the phone and cancel.
The worse thing about cancelling is my psychiatrist doesn’t have a voicemail set up where I can erase and re-record, so I have to think through what I am going to say before calling, and half the time I end up sounding crazy. I think she does this on purpose to gage how her clients are doing, and it’s a terrific strategy. Sometimes before making the call I will do a couple jumping jackets to get my spirits lifted to make sure I sound “good.” I don’t write down what I am going to say but, I have pondered writing my message down in the past. It’s complicated, or maybe I suffer some underlying PTSD from my first psychiatric experience. Is my PTSD story a reason or a justification? Sounds to me like a lame justification cause that was two decades ago so get over it already.
My first attempt for psychiatric help was my senior year in college. I was having a hard time adjusting to the thought of entering the real world so went to health services for help. It was terrible. I found myself sitting across from a grad student that I was not comfortable with and when I left I vowed to never step foot in any psychiatric setting again. Maybe that initial experience tainted me for life, cause it is like pulling teeth to get me to go everytime but, this time it seems merely impossible. So, going back to what I was saying, I think it’s important to pay attention to why you want to cancel or reschedule. Are your reasons more justifications? There is a difference between having a legitimate reason versus finding ways to justify bailing. And when you bail, you might find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed which is stupid but that has been my experience.
I don’t want to alter my medication so I think that’s a reason to reschedule, more so than a justification. Do I need to drop the cash when I don’t intend to change my medication? Cause that really is the deciding factor. If I don’t want to alter my meds, why am I dropping the dough? But, is that a legitimate reason or a justification? Once I figure out the answer to that question, I’ll know what to do.