I used to have a pestering pet mosquito that I named Cilantro. Every year around mosquito season, he would show up at 3: 30 am and buzz in my ear, and drive me absolutely crazy. I tried everything to rid myself from him. I ordered best selling wrist band repellants on Amazon, I purchased sprays and lotions, yet nothing worked. Sometimes it got so annoying that I would have to build a tent around my body with my sheets, to the point where I would practically suffocate inside but, I didn’t care cause it was better than waking up to a blood stain in my bed for when he would get me. Sick, gross, ewww.
Then yesterday I realized that Cilantro was laying eggs in my bathroom shower, so I poured bleach down the drain, stuffed a Clorox bleach towel in it, and sprinkled Ajax over it. Triple whammy! I went to bed and naturally woke up at 3:30 am expecting Cilantro to try and feast on me but, he wasn’t around.
Then I heard a buzzing sound lingering above me and froze. Cilantro? Is that you? I waited to see if he would try and land on my face, but nothing happened. I started to think am I hearing things? Am I going crazy? Is this going to be my life for the next several weeks? Am I going to wake up at 3:30 am feeling all anxious that Cilantro will return, and actually think I am hearing him floating around me?
Sadly, I think so. When I think of people that experience trauma, and I am not saying being stalked by a mosquito is traumatic but, when I think about the fall out after trauma it must be horrible. And I think the worse kind of PTSD from trauma is when you don’t know the source. Sometimes I think I live in a perpetual state of slight trauma cause I am hyper vigilant, and scare easily so wonder, what happened in my childhood that makes me this way? And if I did experience some emotional trauma, how am I supposed to free myself from it when I can’t pin point it?
Often times we think of war veterans when someone mentions the word PTSD. We think that we have to actually see something bad like death in war for there to be fall out. But, PTSD can come from something in life that you might not even recall. You could have an experience as a child that results in PTSD and not even know it. So what do you do?
It takes hard work. It takes discipline and patience to discover what’s imbedded in our mind. So, it’s important to have self awareness as much as possible, which can be done through meditation, therapy, and psychiatry. I will be interesting to see how long it will take for me to not wake up at 3:30 am waiting for Cilantro to return. And when I do wake up, am I going to feel that anxiety that’ll keep me up the rest of the night? Wondering if he is going to make an appearance and I have to bust out my sprays and lotions and wonder woman Cilantro repellant wrist band?
Let’s hope not.