It’s coming if not already here, summer, and I am not bikini body ready. And, the funny thing is, I really don’t care, which is odd cause for the majority of my life I have been body or weight conscious. But I took a break this past year, thank God. It started when I entered my 40’s a year ago. I have been working out my entire life and wanted a break. I cut back on the intensity of my workouts, and the amount of days a week I would work out and, I’m feeling it. I am seeing it when I sit down and my role of fat feels heavier than usual. So I guess this so called break must come to an end. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get back to the athlete that I was for the majority of my life without becoming obsessed.
In other words, I want to be healthy and workout and take care of myself but, I don’t want to become mentally obsessed with my weight. Growing up in Los Angeles there was a lot of pressure on looks and being fit so it was almost ingrained in me to obsess at a very young age. Attending an all girls high school didn’t help either. It seemed like everyone was obsessed with their weight. People would pop laxatives, eat rice cakes for lunch, walk around carrying giant bottles of water that would substitute for food for most of the day, and the pressure was everywhere. I am willing to bet not much has changed. For whatever reason, the environment of an all girls high school seems to breed weight obsession, and I wish I had some advice to offer how to deal with the pressure of that environment but I was one of them so I don’t really know.
When I went to college in New York City, again, I found myself in a weight conscious environment so the mental obsession continued. I don’t think NYC is as bad as LA when it comes to people obsessing over weight but, it’s a close second if you were to rate cities across the US. So here I was surrounded by guys, finally, and wanted to look good so made sure to stay on top of my weight.
When I entered the real world I think things tamed down a bit but looking back not enough. I remember in my twenties getting fat on Lithium and telling my psychiatrist that, “I’d rather be crazy and skinny, than fat and sane” and I meant it. I’ll never take a medication that has the potential to have a side effect that involves weight gain. Call me vain but being fat will drive me to depression so taking a med to curb it would be pointless.
When I look back at my thirties, I think I might have been in the best shape of my life. I wonder if my mental obsession with my weight back then was better or worse and how that would impact the scale. I’d like to think I wasn’t so concerned with a number but given my track record at that point, I doubt it.
So now why, or I guess how, did I manage to take a chill pill this past year, and free my mind from obsessing? I got tired. I thought about the remainder of my life, and I just wanted to be free and be healthy but not so crazy about the whole thing. And now I find myself not bikini body ready, and it’s annoying so now what am I going to do.
Well, I’m going to have to go back to the gym more frequently. I’m going to have to up my game. But I am not going to fall back into being obsessed over my weight. I simply can’t mentally afford to do that, and pray to God I can manage my mind and body to have a healthy life with a healthy body and not be mentally trapped or retreat to old mental habits of checking my roll of fat. I’ve accepted that it’s not going anywhere, but God forbid it continues to grow and get bigger. Nope.
Now, off to the gym, great!