Often times we think we can tell the body what to do. We can push it like a ragdoll, and think our mind rules our being. You can push your body in the gym but if you don’t take care of yourself the body will break down. You can try and force yourself to work overtime but, eventually you’ll crash. For some people, it’s almost as if we think our mind is above all, and that the body is secondary.
This is not true. When it comes down to the ruler of our being, the body always wins. Now, how did I come to this conclusion.
Ever since my Dad passed away, and my Mother had to be conserved, I have been under an enormous amount of stress. Turns out her conservator is a crook, and it has been merely impossible to remove him. Financial elderly abuse is a real thing, and it is only recent that it has gotten some attention in the media. Per a recent article in the New York Daily News, Marvel comics creator Stan Lee is currently in a lawsuit after accusing his ex-business manager of stealing his money. I have personally witnessed numerous families with similar stories and it’s scary. When my mother was conserved all of the belongings in the house I grew up in were removed. Where’d they go? I don’t know. Then unnecessary renovations were made to the house. Caregiving expenses were upwards of 20 thousand dollars a month, and my mom hasn’t seen a single bill for any of it. I know how to story ends cause I have spoken to other victims of his abuse, and once he burns through all the money he moves his client to an assisted living home and takes over the estate. It is a crazy terrible mess, and I am caught in the middle of it.
Last week I went to court to try and remove him. I had a report generated from the court stating a recommendation that he be removed due to the expenses and the fact my mom has never even met her conservator let alone knows where her money is going. So, his lawyer showed up, and claimed he had not “seen the report.” Great. Then the judge decided to move the hearing two months down the line, and have another investigator conduct an interview to see what should be done. I don’t understand why we need another report, nor do I understand how or why the attorney is allowed to show up and claim he hadn’t seen the report but, I’m not a lawyer so I am swimming in uncharted waters here.
But, what I do know is the stress started to manifest itself physically. I broke out on my face which never happens; even when I went through puberty I always had great skin. Nothing in my diet has changed, nothing in my daily activities have changed, and next thing you know, I found myself waking up in the middle of the night very dizzy. I got so dizzy that I had to crawl on my hands and knees to use the bathroom. I have never experienced that before. Oddly, a couple days before the dizzy spells took hold, I had a feeling that something was off, but I couldn’t place the source. Then I thought, well, if I were to sit down and write out all the stressors I’ve endured over the months yeah, I could definitely point to multiple factors that could contribute to poor health.
So, after two nights of dizzy spells I started to worry. Is this a nervous breakdown? I’ve never experienced that before so was lost and a little concerned. I began to wonder if all those things on the list from hell were suppressed in my psyche, and all the trauma I have endured was caught in my body to the point where my body couldn’t take it anymore.
That’s what I believe happened. I just kept pushing myself forward, keep it moving, stay focused, but, I was pretty much in denial about the depth of my stressors, and it wasn’t until my body started to break down that I was able to fully understand, ok, I am not ok. And, it’s not like I’m pretending to be ok, or fouling myself into thinking I can manage all the stress, it’s just sometimes we don’t even know that we’re having a mental breakdown, until the body breaks down.
It would be nice if it didn’t have to come to that level. If I experience trauma, it would be nice if I could manage it one by one, but, part of trauma is suppressing and freezing so, working through that can be a challenge.
Having said that, if you feel like something is off, and your body starts to show weird signs pay attention. The body will always be the ultimate teacher, and barometer of where things stand mentally in your mind.