I Have Never Visualized Having Kids
I have brought up the whole my freezing eggs thing in the past, that is to say, when it was presented to me by my gynecologist years ago. At the time of that conversation with my Doctor I declined, and never did it. Not only did I not do it, I didn’t even give it much thought. Quite frankly, I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wasn’t dating, and I didn’t have that kind of cash, so thinking about it wasn’t really a possibility. I didn’t really see the point.
Then I found myself in a relationship that I thought might end up in a marriage with kids. That was the loose plan so again, freezing my eggs wasn’t an issue, or something I needed to plan for. Then, when that relationship blew up in my face, (when I realized my ex was a cheater, among other things), just like that I found myself starting over again. But this time was different. I was older.
So here I am single, still making the same income, still living the same previous lifestyle prior to being in a relationship, but now I have been experiencing anxiety knowing that I’m 40. I’m not saying too little too late, but, I’m not going to rush out and desperately look for a mate just to have the potential to have kids. I’m not going to freeze my eggs. I’m not going to sit and wallow in the fact that I put all my eggs in one basket so to speak being in a relationship that turned out to be a fraud. It’s a lot to emotionally and mentally handle.
Then it hit me. I have never visualized myself as a Mother. I have never visualized being pregnant, or wonder what it must feel like to be pregnant. I have never fantasized about a wedding day, or secretly looked at brides dresses and conjure up wedding plans. I never saw myself with a SUV with children chairs strapped down in the back. None of these things have ever visually crossed my mind. When I think about my life I see myself sharing it with friends and family. I see myself putting out book after book after book. One of my friends even calls my books my “babies,” and she’s right. And I am proud of that.
Then there’s the Mom factor. When I look back at my life, I was never really close with my own Mother. I didn’t have a tremulous relationship with her but, it wasn’t your typical mother daughter story book relationship. Then I think about my cat. I remember when I first got him I could barely leave the house worried that he would get caught in something, or have separation anxiety. I overly parented him, and if he were to be a test run of what kind of Mom I would be, it’s not good. I would completely obsess over a child, and not in a good way. I might be a cross between a tiger mom, and a helicopter which is not good for myself, or a child. And being a child in today’s age sounds rough. When I examine what it is like to be a modern day child, it seems brutal, intense, anxiety driven, stressful and challenging.
Recently, I was watching a documentary on the opioid crisis, and saw how many teenagers and college students are popping pills in an effort to get ahead. It was scary. The pressure that is put on kids to excel these days has a hand in fueling an opioid problem across the states. When you think of the “crisis” some people think of some druggie in a dark alley injecting heroin. They might not think of a student taking their SAT’s on an opioid. They might not think of a soccer Mom in suburbia addicted to an opioid in a desperate effort to maintain her weight. Or, maybe they think of Michael Jackson’s drug overdose death, or of a rock star like Prince found dead with high levels of fentanyl in his system. No matter what is causing the opioid crisis, being a kid these days sounds rough. Selling Adderall pills to float your college lifestyle doesn’t sound positive.
So back to the whole point. If you have never visualized something, chances are it’s not something you want in life. If you have never given thought to something chances are it’s not meant to be. I have never visualize having kids, so now I get it, and can have peace of mind.
Loberg, E. (2018). I Have Never Visualized Having Kids. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 26, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/manic-depression/2018/03/28/i-never-visualized-having-kids/