Ok, I know this is terrible. It is not the first time I’ve done it, and I am sure I am not the only one who has – using my mental health as an excuse for my behavior, using my mental health to avoid situations, using my mental health to justify my actions. Sometimes I use, and abuse.

Case in point

I have an on and off relationship with someone that I am trying to permanently end, yet, have major hardships with it and can’t seem to pull the plug.

Instead I avoid phone calls, texts, emails, and pretend I’m not home when there’s a knock at my door. I am dealing with depression so, can fall back on it to justify my disappearing act. I’m weak. Instead of straight up communicating my feelings, I hide behind my depression.

Then after a couple weeks of avoidance, I finally had to face that person and instead of telling them the truth, I burst into tears and said I had insomnia so had to try and go to bed early and turn off my phone so that’s why I didn’t picked up any calls. Even worse, I blamed my lack of contact on my medication cause I started a new one, and have been dealing with “side effects” that have been hard for me to manage so have been working through it on my own. Lie lie lie. I’m not lying about having depression, or starting a new medication, but that’s not why I’ve attempted to drop off the planet. And this person knows all about my history of depression, and issues with medication, so instead of being mad at me for being MIA this person felt bad for me. I was immediately off the hook for being a jerk more or less, and could get out of my avoidance behavior instead of straight up being honest and ending it.

Terrible, I know, but it’s not the first time I’ve done it. If I don’t feel like talking to someone that knows I tend to isolate, I get a free pass instead of being labeled an absent T friend.

I know I can’t lean on my mental disease to get me out of situations; it’s just a temporary Band-Aid that will eventually expire.

When? Not sure. How much longer is a person going to deal with my “mental state?” And when am I going to be able to be an adult, grow some you know what, and tell the truth. It is not my depression that explains my actions. And the funny thing is most people don’t want to discuss their mental illness, and here I am exploiting it.

It’s bad. I know. Don’t hate. I’ll stop eventually, and open my mouth. I have to cause it’s not fair to that person, and it’s really not fair to my mental illness. Don’t use and abuse your depression Erica. Seriously. Who does that!