It’s hard to describe, but I’m going to do my best.
I’m depressed. I’ve written about it, I’ve been aware of it, I felt it come creeping in, and have done what I can to prepare myself for it, but, this kind of depression is different. It’s less manageable, cause it’s not the kind where you can’t get out of bed, in fact, I lie there wanting to sleep away the depression, but I can’t. I get caught up in some underlying anxiety that ironically is fueling my depression; which makes no sense.
It seems like two polar opposites. Anxiety in the past has made me on the move, a go getter, yes it’s turbulent and painful but, you can deal, cause you’re alive. Then there is depression which in my experience has been dismal, boring, sad, inactive.
So, I’m confused. I have two dynamic forces up against each other, and both seem to be working together in a manner that is hard to fathom or manage.
In my lifetime dealing with anxiety it has always been an unwanted fire under my chair.
In my lifetime dealing with depression it has always been unwanted slouching in a chair.
So how is it that anxiety, and depression, are working hand in hand, and getting the best of me.
I ask myself to pick a side please, be anxious or depressed, but never be both.