Someone recently mentioned that I might have relationship addiction issues which immediately I was like no. I live alone, eat out alone, and do pretty much whatever I want, all alone. It was such a random statement that threw me off and sort of offended me. I’ve spent the majority of my life doing my thing BUT last night it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I came up with a symptom of relationship addiction, at least when it comes to me.
In the past I was in a relationship that at the time I didn’t realize was relationship addiction. Now, only looking back, do I realize yes, I have relationship addiction tendencies despite how independent I think I am. Why? Cause my partner never wanted to have sex with me, like ever. I would try everything. Playing hard to get, wearing sexy clothes, even borderline begging and it was terrible. What kind of person stays in a sexless relationship? It’s hurtful, not normal, but I couldn’t find it in me to leave. The whole thing made no sense but now, I firmly believe it was relationship addiction at its worse that took over my sanity.
When we broke up I tried to do it cold turkey, but, with relationship addiction fueling my brain and behavior, it caused me to go back and forth and back and forth. How can I know a relationship is wrong, and a person is not good for me, yet still think about them, go back to them, and borderline mentally obsess over the situation.
Relationship addiction is a behavior rooted deep in the brain from what I believe stems from my experiences growing up. I had separation anxiety as a child so maybe that’s when it all started. I don’t know, but what I do know is restructuring my brain is going to be a long hard road, but, I am thankful that I know, and can admit, it’s a problem. And to think the lack of sex in my relationship, and staying, was a huge red flag is interesting, troubling, insightful and quite the epiphany for me.
I’ve looked into relationship addiction classes. I’m not ready to take that route, or plunge, but at least I’ll consider it, and now I can understand why I stayed in a sexless relationship. I am an independent relationship addictive person. Now there’s an oxymoron for you.