Being Bipolar II aka chronic hypo manic has its positive points. I’ve never had any trouble writing. Even when I’ve gone through episodes of depression, I would continusally produce work. I honestly never understood when people would talk about writers block, till now.
I have two books to finish that are almost done, and for some reason I can’t get myself to sit down and do the work that needs to be done. The immediate reason or response to my situation is well, I’m just procrastinating but, it goes deeper than that. It has to cause I have been writing for over two decades with absolutely no gaps or breaks, not by choice but, that’s just how my brain operates which is directly related to my mental illness and that hasn’t changed. But two decades later, now I have a problem?
It think it’s related to my Dad’s death. That’s the only major event in my life that has occurred and somehow I can’t shake the idea that the two are related. Was I writing to prove something to my Dad? Was I putting out book after book and blog after blog to show that I made it so to speak as a writer?
Growing up a middle child I didn’t get the same attention as my older and younger sisters, and sometimes wonder if my provocative writings is some form of begging for attention; a way of lashing out and screaming look at me look at me. Sounds bizarre but given the recent troubles I’ve had with my writing I have to think somehow the two are related. Why else after all this time is writers block happening to me. It doesn’t make any sense.
So where does that lead me? Scared, worried, confused. He is not coming back. I am not going to get some deep-seated approval anymore so I’m going to have to change my mindset and really think about what’s behind my writing. I shouldn’t have to write to gain approval, or acknowledgment or accolades from a parent. I’m 39 years old for God’s sake. I should be over wanting to be heard. It’s complicated and hard to explain but you would think now that my Dad has passed, I would feel more inclined to put myself out there, and experiment with any topics and any style that might not be so PG friendly. But, if I was writing some material to gain attention, or seek out approval that I didn’t receive growing up, then it only makes sense that I am at a lose right now with regards to my writing.
It’s strangely ironical. I write prolific racy material while my Dad’s alive and once he is gone, I shut down? There is no way I was writing all along to fill some void I’ve carried from lack of attention growing up. So, I gotta figure this out cause these two books have to get done, and if procrastination is not the reason and obviously my Dad’s not coming back. Where does that leave me…. God help me.