It was my period. That was the reason I lost it last weekend and plummeted into a terrible bed glued depression. I didn’t understand most of the technical psych terms my psychiatrist used when he tried to explain it to me but thankfully, now I know, I am not crazy, I just need to watch out when the next menstrual cycle comes around. I don’t recall ever having this problem in the past when I was on the same antidepressant so this is all new to me. I went into my session knowing that he wasn’t going to change my meds cause I guess I am doing better then our last session. It’s hard to know what to say when you see your doctor. You want to squeeze as much information in the expensive time you have to get answers and positive results and that alone is a stress. But all you can do is do your best to retell the stories you lived through since you started taking a medication and hope it’s enough to help your shrink monitor your behavior.Bottom line, I’m learning more and more that a mood disorder is a serious thing. Not that I discounted it in the past but when I worked in an inpatient psych ward with chronic paranoid schizophrenic individuals and major depressive disorder with psychotic features among several other diagnosis, I removed myself from them cause “I’m not like them” when really I’m coming to learn that having a mood disorder is more serious then I have ever previously thought or considered.
A mood disorder is a constant struggle in the brain on a minute-to-minute basis and month-to-month basis and year-to-year basis. It is a silent beast that I’ve learned you can’t discredit or think is not as bad as other mental illnesses. If anything I’ve learned it’s worse simply because I’ve downplayed it in my head that it was a serious mental illness. I’ve learned that it sits right beside all other mental illnesses and without taking it seriously, and doing your best to educate yourself, or explain to yourself or others what’s going on, is truly a challenge.
I’m going to dive deeper into mood disorders. It’s a loose term that frankly, isn’t common dialogue not just in society but also used loosely in the psych world. It seems to come across as a big broad thing when really it has deep dark intricate complexities. Complexities that even I who lives with one, has a hard time explaining. When I look back at the series I wrote on my blog about my experience with “The Beast” I was confused throughout the whole thing. But now it know it’s going to be a hard thing to understand and explain., hence my original title to this series.
As of now I can say in my own words that a mood disorder is wild, scary, expensive, strange, unforgiving, relentless and mean. A mood disorder is not to be taken lightly.
(In the last several weeks I have been blogging about my experience starting an antidepressant and the changes I’ve undergone. Should you want to read the series start with The Beast Is Back: Depression and see what you find and please give your input.)