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Depression Part V

shutterstock_197496518Well, tomorrow is the big day. My first psychiatrist appointment since he prescribed an antidepressant for me, and I am not sure what to tell him. I’ve been trying to track how my antidepressant has affected me these past several weeks and, to be honest, it’s all a confusing mess between seeing good things, experiencing bad things, and finding no changes in my mental health at all but some movement, I think.

So, I had two weekends that I was social and managed to leave my place. Then out of nowhere this past weekend I couldn’t get out of bed and cried uncontrollably over external difficulties with the plot of my life like a breakup that continues to haunt me (and I really screwed up cause during my crying episode I called him after months of being strong and staying away), hardships at work that are only getting worse, and fighting change when I desperately need but change is hard for me. But these challenges have always been the case so I can’t say external issues caused the crying, but this crying was bad. It didn’t stop and I couldn’t place it or understand why now? Did I screw up my med dosage? No. I am diligent about my meds and even though at the very beginning I was wary about taking it so chose not to a couple times the first week that doesn’t explain the outcry that resulted in me missing two days of work, and stuck to my bed watching Scandal from start to finish. Then I looked in my refrigerator and saw that I actually have food in it. Somewhere in the last few weeks I managed to buy food. I’ve always just had cheese, water, hot sauce and now I have a package of three boneless chicken meats which was quite a change. Ok, so it’s only cheese, hot sauce and one package of chicken, but hey, I don’t know the last time I had anything in my fridge. I also cleaned out my pantry which I have never done before. But other than that there really is no difference. But whatever happened last weekend with my uncontrollable tears was something I have never experienced before which has to equate to the antidepressant. Maybe it had a reverse effect on me or something cause I stayed in bed for five days which I have never done before.

Tomorrow I will report all this to my psychiatrist and see what he says, but, since all this is up and down and back and forth with no real concrete changes that have provided some balance in my life, I’m not sure what we can do at this point. Change dosage? Maybe. Switch to a different pill? Hell no. I’ve gone down the road of let’s try this pill, let’s try that pill, and each time I get different side effects and responses which is beyond frustrating. Then I look back at my diary and see the last time I was on this particular antidepressant I worked quite well for me. But that was in my late twenties. Now I am in my late thirties and my hormones are changes as I age. I always knew the response my mind would have on a medication would change with age but I thought that would happen during menopause or something. I don’t know. I am obviously confused and feel bad for my psychiatrist cause, as you can see, I’m lost and confused about how the past several weeks played out with the antidepressant. After the scary weekend of nothingness I just endured I’m thinking no, it’s time to just stop and stick to my mood stabilizer but maybe it takes longer for the pill to actually do its job. Cause if that is not the case then I am shit out of luck.

We’ll see what he says…

Refrigerator image available from Shutterstock.

Depression Part V

Erica Loberg

Erica Loberg was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. She attended Columbia University in New York and graduated with a BA in English. She is a published poet and author of Inside the Insane, Screaming at the Void, What Men Should Know About Women, What Women Should Know About Men, Diamonds From The Rough , Undressed, and I'm Not Playing.

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APA Reference
Loberg, E. (2014). Depression Part V. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 23, 2020, from


Last updated: 15 Nov 2014
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