Am I self-destructive?  Absolutely. 

Where does the destruction find itself?

Why do I allow the harsh, the real, the unbroken, the bleep on the horizon

Be flattened

Like a penny

On a railroad.

Buried beneath the surface is a smothered power.

How do I search it out?

Like a dog scurries for a bone in the mud.


I get scared sometimes when I think about the history of my relationships and behavioral patterns that repeat themselves and put me in danger of losing a mate.

Case in point.  Now this is going to sound ridiculous but, some people don’t get it.  I was going to go to the Verizon store to get a phone with my boyfriend and we planned to do it together.  He went ahead and did all the leg work to find a plan and get a contract set up for us. All of it.  He called me from the store when I was at work to let me know the options and what we should do and I panicked.  Sounds stupid but it was something I had my mind set on doing with him together.  I freaked out and he didn’t understand what the heck I was talking about. He thought he was trying to help, but I couldn’t see beyond that kind gesture for my intense fixation on the fact that we didn’t do it together ruined my chance to be grateful and have some logical perspective on the whole thing. It reminded me of how I was as a child. When I had my mind set on things going one way, and they didn’t, I had serious problems emotionally handling situations that went off the path that I was expecting to come to fruition.  Even when it was an act of kindness or something to help me, for example, I would tell my Mom I want to do my own laundry and if she was nice enough to do it, and surprise me, I would go through the roof. 

Now, as an adult, I still find myself repeating bad behavior but it is more serious now because I am running out of people who will deal with what can come across or be considered as ridiculous conduct. It’s scary because I know this about myself and catch myself in the moment feeling those intense emotions and still struggle to find a way to manage them and often times, I simply can’t.  I’ve lost a fair number of people who are not willing to “deal” with me and I don’t blame them.  When you don’t blame them, and can’t seem to blame yourself because you can’t seem to alter such behavior, you are left with being stuck.

I suppose in the end you have to blame yourself but, a part of you still thinks to itself:

It’s not my fault I can’t deal.  I can only try, even when trying doesn’t help, it’s a start.