4 thoughts on “Two words that can cripple your relationship

  • April 29, 2018 at 2:22 am

    Sure happened to me. Two attachment wounds that were never going to be addressed and when I did bring one up I was made wrong for it….yep never again. The wounds were never going to heal without my partner making an effort so the relationship ended after 4.5 years.One was cheating, the other abandonment when my mother died….can’t recover from that

    Reply
    • April 29, 2018 at 1:39 pm

      Hi Katie,
      Those are both deep attachment wounds. To feel you get nowhere or, worse, are shamed for trying to address those wounds with your partner can be devastating to a relationship. Thank you for your courage in sharing your experiences with the community.
      Dan

      Reply
  • April 29, 2018 at 8:19 pm

    Have been with my husband for 36 years, married for 30 years come September. 9 years ago, a week before my birthday, which is also our anniversary, I discovered my husband had been cheating on me with one woman off & on even before we were married, & that he had cheated with other women as well. I thought I had a fairy tale marriage, as he treated me so well during most of our marriage. He was a public official, & he did something stupid while at work, which made this all very public. My psychiatrist said he felt I was in a state of shock for the 1st 2 years afterwards. I decided to not divorce him for many reasons, but he has never tried to work thru this with me. He was humiliated as well, & while I’m positive he’s not a full blown narcissist, he does have narcissistic tendencies. The whole thing forever changed my life. He now acts like a whipped dog, has not shown me any affection or attention since. I tried to get him to engage with me for several years after “d-day” but he is unwilling to do anything. At the same time, I’ve finally started living my life for ME, instead of living it for everyone else. I told him years ago that if he doesn’t at least start trying to work thru that horrible experience, I would just stop asking one day & would never ask again, but would simply grow further & further away from him. I am now complacent about him, we are more like distant roommates, & we have very little interaction. I no longer feel angry, or sad, as I had to accept everything that was dumped on me, learn to deal with it & accept that while we still live together, my husband “died” 9 years ago. That’s exactly how it feels. He no longer cheats of course, but I wouldn’t care if he did. His health suffered since all that stuff happened, & I DO care about what happens to him. I feel like I’m his mother. I too made the “never again vow”, & I also vowed to not worry about issues over which I have no control. It’s a waste of time. It was actually liberating for me. I recently started going out of town to visit my brother & his family, I don’t coordinate those trips with my husband, or ASK, I simply tell him, just like he used to do me all the years we’ve been together. It’s a 5-hour drive, so I leave my options open as to when I’m coming home. I am very welcome at my brother’s home, & last year was the 1st time I’ve really been anywhere, & I mean “out of the house” since 2009. I stayed over a month the 1st visit, & 2 & a half months the 2nd visit. When I’m out of town he calls me constantly but doesn’t really have anything to say, my sister moved in with me over 2 years ago after a horrible divorce, & she says he acts “lost” when I’m not home. I don’t understand that at all. I am never mean to him, but my heart was forever broken. Sometimes I feel nothing, just numb about almost everything. I don’t feel bitter, I just don’t FEEL anything most of the time, except when I’m at my brothers. It has been good for me, but I almost cry when I decide to go home. We have supported my sister, as she has no job or money, my grown son has moved back home after being a guest of the state for a year for drug use, & while he has stayed straight since, no one really talks to me unless they have a problem. I feel so restless, & no longer feel this is even my home. However, I will never let anyone get that close to me again. It is too painful when your trust is breached, especially when you had no clue anything was going on. NO CLUE AT ALL.

    Reply
    • April 29, 2018 at 10:42 pm

      Hi Nofoverafter,
      You write poignantly about the pain and eventual numbing you have experienced on your difficult journey. When one is blindsided by a betrayal it is especially devastating and even more difficult to rebuilt trust. Thank you for sharing so openly with the community. I know that many, many readers can relate to your story.
      Dan

      Reply
 

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