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Go Away Monster

It has been too long since my last post. Typically, in the Summer I take some time off but this time it was for a different reason. In my silence, I walked through another anniversary of my son’s death. Sat down is a better description. I always think this time it won’t bother me as much. I’ve been wrong more than right. The best way for me to think about it is that it’s four less years I have to wait until I see him again. So while I had a bunch on my mind, I stayed away, bottled my emotions, and walked the other way.  If I do that long enough or often I fear my desire to write will also walk away and that’s something I wish not to lose. I did write a poem of sorts and was undecided about sharing it. But I need to get out there, I need to connect, so here it is:

Go Away Monster

Near five I watched a box pulled by a mule
At 10 I saw his brother
shot by some crazy fool.
At twelve I saw more family
too soon to go
their brief lives in tragedy

Lukey got zapped and Mark grabbed his heart
Dad died slow and Mom took too long to go
Till everything was taken—
her will to walk, her mind to read,
it wasn’t a surprise, then why was I so shaken?
Floyd died by his hand
and a father heard voices that told him to land
John died in his car while Marines died from afar

With death on TV, and death surrounding me
I always wondered about my tragedy
Guarded by God, gilded by life, and learned in psychology,
I knew the rules, I walked The Way
But when death strolled up my path in July
I tried to run, I tried to fight,
All I could do was cry.

It’s my childhood nightmare, all over again
The monster is coming,
he comes every year
This time he came early to carry me back
But no one was here
And no one could stop the ghoulish fiend
Some years he’s a witch, sometimes a monster
He’s after me at night, when I am in deep slumber

To carry me back, far down below
But now I’m awake and he walks my path
A kindly face, a soothing voice, but it’s still the same
It’s Death and he knows me by name.
This time it’s my son—Death thinks he’s won.
He beat me down, and he took my will.
Someday though,
God will step on him still.

And I will be with Bobby and Terri, maybe a Kennedy.
I will hug my mom and even my dad,
I will go for a ride in John’s Galaxy.
But before I do, I will fall down,
Because only my son
can lift me off the ground.

Go away monster, go away Death
You have been conquered, banished forever
No place for you to rest
No more tragedy to beset
Still your dark heart beating,
now Death can live with my regret

Andy is a Clinical Psychologist who lost his son in a tragic motorcycle accident and now authors articles on bereavement. The quiz is available! Go to http://andymdavidson.com/Home/Pgd to find out if you may have Prolonged Grief Disorder. Look forward to his upcoming posts, and book, “When Sunday Smiled.” Follow him at his website, AndyMDavidson.com and Facebook.com/ThroughLifeandLoss to find out more about prolonged grief.

Go Away Monster

Andy Davidson


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APA Reference
Davidson, A. (2018). Go Away Monster. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 19, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/life-loss/2018/08/go-away-monster/

 

Last updated: 8 Aug 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Aug 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.