37 thoughts on “Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage

  • October 21, 2017 at 4:19 am

    I live in a state of hyperarousal: tension all over my body, muscle aches, digestive issues, and disrupted sleep. The ex-narc and flying monkeys sabotaged my career as a teacher by telling school board members and other staff how I was “mentally disturbed” and spent time in treatment for depression (Found out from a colleague). No one will hire me or give me a good referral.

    I’ve started a new career in insurance sales, and I worry about my job performance and struggle with remembering information. I’m anxious because the divorce left me financially devastated. I don’t want him to know anything about my life because I’m afraid he’ll continue his campaign to destroy me. He said he didn’t care if I was homeless, and I cut off all contact except necessary mail (due to payments I must make to him). I just want to find peace, but it seems elusive. He sent a letter two days before my birthday threatening me with “more aggressive” legal counsel, and he stated he’d “find a way” to ensure I lost the house.I gave up a lot to stay because the mortgage is cheaper than rent, I have 4 cats and can’t bear the thought of giving them up, and the mortgage is and always was in my name due to his lack of credit. I lost my insurance, and I’ve had to limit my therapy sessions for now. I just want to be better, but I don’t even know what that will look like…

    Reply
    • October 22, 2017 at 6:17 am

      Stay strong and G-d-centered. Evil loses in the end. be confident of that and kee[p pushing on… Many blessings.

      Reply
    • October 22, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      Start creating a history with the police department and at home with a list. Contact the police and tell them every time he threatens you or makes any type of aggressive contact. That is considered stalking. See if you can get a restraining order on him. Keep a log, date, time, of everything he says or does so you have every detail. There are hundreds of YouTube videos of meditations, cognitive behavioral exercises, eye movement, tapping, and other forms of self help there. Sometimes just talking to friends helps if you can’t afford a therapist. There are also therapists who charge by a sliding scale for low income. There is help out there, you can do this.

      Reply
      • October 23, 2017 at 9:39 am

        Great input, Stacy!

        Reply
      • October 23, 2017 at 4:14 pm

        Yes, great and practical and protective input!

        Reply
      • October 23, 2017 at 4:17 pm

        I would also suggest using a private mailbox (separate from your physical address) for mail. If you use Facebook you can change your name and location now. I have changed my name (twice), date of birth, and location on Facebook.

        Reply
      • November 13, 2017 at 6:37 pm

        Stacy, your advice was right on the nose. Keeping track of EVERYTHING he says or does is the best way to fight this. When you get enough history you can then go to the courts and get help.

        Reply
    • October 23, 2017 at 9:45 am

      Hi Cora,

      Have you considered visiting your local domestic violence center? This was a turning point for me in my own journey. Most DV centers are well-educated in emotional abuse and if you’ve kept good documentation of these threats (emails, texts, letters, voicemails) it seems you’d have a decent case. It may also help to have your attorney write him a cease-and-desist letter in regards to these harassing letters and inform him that all communications need to come from his attorney.

      Wishing you all the best.

      Kim XoXo

      Reply
    • March 17, 2018 at 12:04 am

      Stay in your house at all costs , he’s harassing you . Get an intervention order. Pray . Let god sort him out

      Reply
    • March 23, 2018 at 7:58 am

      The key is to have found out that what is happening to you is happening to many others as well. These forces of evil who live amongst us posing as calm rational human beings can throw as much mud as they like it seems. On the basis they have money or power or just a loud voice, or appear gentle and unnasuming. I have suffered this type of abuse being called mentally ill for years because my narcassist ex did not win a court case to take my mothers property, my children and get me institutionalised. He told the court that he said I needed to get help and be locked up because his father was a doctor. However his father was an alcoholic ex General Practitioner and had abused his own mother. I tried desperately not to listen to his insulting language but eventually I fell foul to this abuse when he involved me own children in it. Now they act like his performing monkeys and have isolated me completely for two years. The more we know about this abuse and the tactics used against us the better it is for our mental health. I am recovering slowly but have very bad days too. PTSD is not something we should talk down about as it is very real and very awful that a victim will keep reliving an event that harmed them.

      Reply
      • May 27, 2019 at 11:08 am

        I am currently going through this and reading that I’m trying so hard not to cry. My story started five years ago or 4 years ago. I was married to the devil, just after two months of marriage he ran off to Indiana and started a new life ; while leaving me on the streets. No money, no food, and a little suitcase of clothes. He told me he didn’t care if I was hungry and on the streets. I remember him laughing at me and saying just horrible things. And even though he was so far away he still had complete control. I was always looking over my shoulder.
        Then I met this man that seemed so caring and so friendly. We became friends and come to find out he use to be best friends with the that took everything even my soul. But I called my new found friend my angel because he came at a point when I was ready to take my own life just to end the emotional pain and scars. We started dating and he helped me divorce him.
        Well now we are married and he is the same if not worst then the one he rescued me from. He through me out and moved his side piece in sane day. He has made me look crazy to the point that his mom and him have tried to have me committed. Two months went by without hearing from him. I heard from him Friday. And besides ignoring it, I answered. I went home with him Friday thinking to myself, he has all my poems and writings I have wrote and he is going to give them back. I told him just meet me in town and we could do the exchange there. At first he was cool with it but then suggest that I just come to the house, he would pick me up. I knew better but I went with him anyway. Let me also put out that he has rape me before while I was a sleep. Last night pretty much happen again. I’ve been here since Friday, which it all went ok til last night. And I have fought sleep just so honestly idk. Awake or asleep he get what he wants. He even broke my tooth and when he was ready to sleep. The only way he would go to sleep is to go to sleep on me. Now I’m just sitting here while he sleeps wondering how I’m going to get out of this. I feel so stupid right now. SMH

        Reply
  • October 21, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    Please, can you tell me how to get tested for this? Who should I go to to order a scan? I have been told several times now that I have C-PTSD, and should go for EMDR, but my husband is still trying to make a case that I am mentally ill, while he stays and continues his emotional abuse. Right now, he is in silent treatment mode, telling my grown children and everyone else all his feeling and plans and leaving me in the dark.
    So, without a formal diagnosis, he would simply tell them “it’s all in her head, she’s always been like this, it’s part of her condition( he and his family are convinced I’m BPD), but I swear, as soon as I heard he was telling my children that, I went immediately to get tested. Out of a possible 10, I scored a 2, depression and low self esteem)
    Forgive me for spilling, I just really need to find out if this is me. I identify with all the symptoms, plus I identified with the CTE movie “Concussion” to which they are now finding those same brain lesions in Post Narcissistic abuse victims. That abusive words and believing them are causing those same micro-bleeds.

    Reply
    • October 21, 2017 at 9:26 pm

      I’d like to add that much of my husband’s ammunition to use against me, he found on this website. Articles written by a woman to the effect of “how to tell if your wife is Borderline Personality Disorder” and “how to live with a borderline personality wife”. I was devastated, and ready to give up life, when I spoke to an older lady at work, who chatted to me at great length about her BPD husband. I listened quietly and intently as she had no idea what I was living, and after she finished telling me all about him, I asked her if she would answer one question. She said, “Sure!”. I said, “Am I Borderline?” She said, “Absolutely NOT! I’ve lived with him like this for a very long time. You are nowhere near it. I sighed with relief, but at the same time, I still wonder if I am, if he’s right.
      Why is he so determined to prove I am “mentally disturbed”

      Reply
      • October 23, 2017 at 10:00 am

        Hi REM,

        The first line of action to dismiss his claims would be to get tested, but don’t rely on just one test and make sure you work with someone who is experienced in emotional trauma/narcissistic abuse. (And don’t inform him you’re having the tests done!)

        Due to my line of work, I must do a lot of research to validate the claims I make in my articles. During my research, I came across the work of Judith Herman, author of Trauma and Recovery and expert in emotional trauma. She said that long-term emotional abuse can cause someone to display signs similar to BPD. The real indicator is this…did you have these symptoms and signs before you met him?

        If you want to counteract his claims, see about visiting a licensed professional and requesting they give you the related assessments. In these cases, it’s important to take a proactive stance. At the very least, start documenting everything.

        He is determined to make you seem like the mentally disturbed one to take the spotlight off of himself and to invalidate any claims you make in regard to his treatment of you. Have you ever considered alternatives to remaining in the marriage?

        Reply
    • October 23, 2017 at 10:08 am

      Hi REM,

      I replied to your other comment and didn’t see that you’d already been tested for BPD. Depression and low self-esteem are two of the main symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome which is something that’s not listed in the DSM, but I know people who are working hard to fix that. Aside from that, seems to me that you have the proof you need to prove you do not have BPD.

      It might be worth checking into to see about alternative living arrangements. The C-PTSD is a result of living with a manipulative and abusive person who constantly gaslights you, attacks your character to anyone who will listen, and making you doubt your own judgment (to name a few). If you are already experiencing issues with your brain, that is more than cause to be alarmed. Staying in an abusive environment will only make the situation worse.

      Wishing you all the best and hoping you can find a way to leave this horribly toxic environment.

      Kindly,

      Kim

      Reply
  • October 22, 2017 at 4:58 am

    A problem arises when a mother leaves with the children, or when the children refuse to go to their scheduled visitation time with their father, and the abusive parent files “parental alienation” motions with the court. Call Child Protection, and have the children see a counselor. Be PROACTIVE. Document EVERYTHING.

    Reply
    • October 23, 2017 at 10:13 am

      Indeed, it’s critical to document everything and be proactive. I went through a similar situation with my ex because he’d made verbal threats to take my son out of the country. So, when he returned to America after a year-long absence and I refused to resume the previously-arranged custody order, he began harassing me through the court system. Luckily, because I had documented everything so concisely, he didn’t have much of a case.

      Reply
  • October 22, 2017 at 11:18 am

    Which one are the damages for a child, if his/her mother has a narcissistic personility? Consider that in some cases a narcissistic mother get rid of the child’s father in order to exercise better her power on the child.

    Reply
    • October 23, 2017 at 10:34 am

      Hi Luigi,

      Parental alienation is definitely common, for both mothers and fathers. Without knowing anything about your personal situation, the best general advice I can give is to document everything and be proactive. If a parent is showing signs of narcissism, it’s important to contact an attorney, CPS, and a local domestic violence center in order to form an action plan. (And of course, under no circumstances should you inform the manipulative parent of these events).

      Being proactive and collecting documentation is critical in any toxic situation, but especially when children are involved. We cannot be passive and hope that chance will help us through.

      Hope that helps!

      Kindly,

      Kim

      Reply
  • October 24, 2017 at 11:42 am

    I grew up with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder but I didn’t know there was any such thing until I was in my 50s. All those years spent trying to please a woman who never gave me one word of praise in her life. Once I realised my mother had this disorder everything made sense, especially my chronic depression. I suffered from depression from my teens despite there being no family history of this condition. I do believe that my mother’s emotional abuse brought about the changes in my brain chemistry that resulted in my illness. The only thing that has eased my depression has been drug therapy and I am very thankful for it. My life changed dramatically from the time I began medication. My mother died recently from Dementia related problems. Sadly I felt nothing but indifference at her passing. She was given the best of care in her illness and my conscience is clear but the damage caused by her inability to love will be lifelong.

    Reply
    • October 29, 2017 at 2:34 am

      Meditate, get in touch with the hurt…stand up for yourself, only yourself and totally avoid everyone whom do not deserve your love…

      when my father was dying from cancer he got on the phone and asked me if I was going to come visit him? I told him I would send the following note to mom that would be my answer… Writing this helped me get in touch with my feelings -how I was affected and thru understanding – work through from hurt, anger, shock, grief and then healing.

      Reflection (a warning for parents)

      When I was born, did you love me, hold me close each day
      Listen closely to my needs, kiss my tears away
      Was it when – I got bigger, that those precious gifts went astray?
      Because paranoid rules and negative expectations, steal your love today

      A child needs to explore and question, belittling took that joy away
      Your yelling will haunt me a lifetime, I do the same today
      You’re doing it wrong, my only nursery rhyme, I’ll feel worthless all my life
      Beating me shattered my very soul, a future of heartbreak and strife

      I never learned to feel my pain, too scared and never time
      My fear and bruises needed only reflection, gentle eyes just meeting mine
      When I cried and needed attention, I got threats, put that damn ice cream aside
      It’s been replaced by new addictions, adult placebos for the emptiness inside

      Old age and poor health won’t change the past; I know you say you tried
      But these childlike pleas for attention, has senility killed your pride
      Don’t ask for me to meet your needs, nor spare time before you die
      You taught me well, your reflection, SHUT UP and don’t you cry

      Grant Taylor

      Reply
  • November 6, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    thank you for this informative article. I have been married 23 years to my HS sweetheart. I was 15 when we met, he was 16. We dated for 8 years before we got married. I JUST figured out he’s a narcissist with borderline tendencies. By all outward appearances he’s the greatest guy. Has literally everything going for him. But behind closed doors he has made my life miserable, and for our kids as well. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I think I stayed with him all those years to protect our 4 kids. Now 2 are off in college and one in high school and one in grade school….and I’m at my wits end. But the story is complicated….. He was diagnosed but not told of his condition through our therapist. (she doesn’t want to tell him for fear that he will leave therapy, which he would, and some is better than none) and we are working together to try to get him to see how his behavior affects me and the kids. He’s not really accepting it because, ready for this…….I had an affair. I happened to meet the man of my dreams. Well we already kind of knew each other and are very similar and have always had a connection. One time when a large group of couples were all together and we had way too much to drink, we saw each other and were talking and then kissed and it quickly went from phone calls to meeting during the day ……i’ve never felt the kind of love that we had before. I know it sounds ridiculous but I really felt it was special. It ended after 2 months. We got caught. We both had to come clean and haven’t spoken since. that was almost 2 years ago. In the meantime, my husband and I went to therapy and I was prepared to take full blame and responsibility for my actions and did, and continue to do so.. I already was bent over backwards and walking on egg shells but now I have been thrown into overdrive. He is abusive, verbally and physically, but I take it. I make him sexy videos. I write him poems. I cook all his favorite food all the time. I do whatever he wants in the bedroom. I paint him pictures, I tout his virtues for anyone who is within earshot. I have appetizers and his favorite drink waiting for him when he comes home. I paint him pictures. Not once has he been not even nice, but decent to me. He says he will be nice when he gets over the affair but says he will never get over the affair. He has threatened to divorce me exactly 27 times over the past 2 years, thrown his ring at me, taken and hidden mine….the list goes on and on. I get that I deserve to be punished for what I did, but this feels like it’s gone on too long. I don’t want to rush him through to forgiving me, but at the same time, maybe just be neutral and not torture me. Anyway, how did he get diagnosed? We were going to couples therapy (to find out what was wrong with me, why I would do such a thing as have an emotional and physical affair with someone). But along the way, the therapist noticed things about the way my husband and I interacted with each other and the things we said (or didn’t say). She asked me to go to a separate therapist for a while to talk freely and that therapist would share with her what I said. They quickly surmised that I had been in a verbally and physically abusive relationship with my husband. (Going back to the beginning of our relationship). And I HAD TO BE TOLD THAT IT WAS NOT NORMAL. I have been with this person so long I didn’t even know. I knew I wasn’t happy but I thought all marriages were like this. (He always told me what an amazing guy he was compared to his friends and most guys, etc..) I grew up in a very loving, forgiving, egoless family. I now know it was my niceness and my naiveness that drew someone like him to me. It gets more complicated…… just this past month, people at his work accused him of being a complete jerk. Combined with what the therapist has been trying to tell him and now his work, I think it has dawned on him, that he is a selfish asshole (his words). He is realizing he could lose his wife, his kids, his status at work………so, now he is being EXTRA nice. To me, to the kids, to people in emails, on the phone, at work, etc. He’s trying to get everyone to see what a really great guy he is. And it’s making me sick. This is all i’ve ever wanted him to do. But I feel like it’s too late. I have so much PTSD from his mistreatment of me, I can hardly stand being near him. I don’t trust him. But now that he’s being nice, I have no option but to give our relationship one last chance.. I want him to know how much he hurt me in the past. The humiliations, the lies, the anger rages, the verbal and physical abuse, EVERYTHING but he says I have to let go of all that and move on. He won’t listen. Take him as he is or just leave. I was getting ready to just leave and now he’s being nice and says I have to give it one more chance. I don’t have much energy left, and want to leave him. But now everyone will really think he’s a nice guy and that I’m the horrible cheating wife and he will make sure it’s not easy for me to live on my own. I saw what his sister did to her ex husband and it was horrible! She turned the tables on him even to his kids and made his life miserable before, during and after their marriage. I have taken notes and have some audio tape of his rages, but never called the police (except one time in a hotel room in August but it didnt go through.) I wish I had the guts all those years ago to get out….I just kept thinking it was me and if I only try harder or do better he will finally love me. He says he loves me but it feels like a violent, possessive kind of love. I’m rambling now. I guess I’m just asking for advice. 1. if I am being overly bitter by holding on to his past misdeeds, and i need to somehow get over them by myself (maybe hypnosis?) 2. Am I wrong to be mad at him for being nice now,,, where was it all those years ago when I needed it, raising kids etc? 3. Do I label him and let him know he’s a npd/bpd and that he has to get help? I just don’t see him changing, (at least long term), especially if he doesn’t think he has to and is perfectly fine the way he is….. 4. Am I damaging the kids by letting them think his behavior is normal. I have always tried to keep the peace and defend him to them and vice versa.
    I feel stronger than I ever have, and know that I will be fine, no matter what.
    Thank you very much for your help.
    Kim

    Reply
    • February 9, 2018 at 9:36 pm

      Kim, he may be practicing “niceness” but if he won’t listen to your grievances he IS NOT sorry. Especially so if he gets angry anytime you try to process your losses with him. The reason for the anger is that the truth of him not being perfect doesn’t gel with his pride.

      After 9yrs of gaslighting me plus other drama, my 1st wife, who was never diagnosed as she refused any and every offer of counselling or other help, chose to leave as it seemed advantageous to her at the time.

      A year later she wanted back and was seriously pissed when I wouldn’t take her back under her conditions (she move back in as if nothing had ever happened!). She demanded I act like a Christian who HAD TO accept her back. I was willing to work through a process with being together again as the desired outcome but not if she refused to do any work or accept any blame. That year of ‘space’ gave me the time I needed to look back and really ‘see’ what had been going on and why.

      She adamantly refused so I, sadly, declined because I had learnt by then that true repentance always comes with humility and a desire to make things right even if it hurts to hear of what one needs to make right to help gain the trust of the once-abused person.

      Thankfully we did not have children. It took 8yrs before I remarried and had to grow and mature a lot in that time to be healed enough to be ready for the wonderful wife I now have. The difference between the marriages, not that I ever really think about it much, is like night and day. We are married 7yrs now with 3 kids and having a blast.

      It was very hard being alone at first (but less crazy than being with her) as I was quite emotionally messed up but each year got better because I was working at growing.

      Your growth will most likely be a huge threat to your man because it will change the dynamics of the relationship and nobody likes change they are not in control of – especially folk with these disorders. If he really does WANT to change there is hope. If he is using ‘niceness’ as a tactic (to assert some kind of control, albeit a weird one) then please don’t expect hope invested in that to produce anything good for you.

      Be wise. Be safe. Best regards, MLBG.

      Reply
    • July 1, 2018 at 10:43 pm

      Wow sounds like my story

      Reply
  • November 7, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    “Victims project their traits of compassion, empathy, caring, and understanding onto their abuser, when in fact, narcissists and other emotional abusers possess none of those traits.”

    This is a very important fact. The victim plays an active role in the abuse process. In fact, I think there are certain personality types that can be subject to abuse and others that can not, and that abusers can recognize those personality types better than anyone else in society. As far as narcissists go, we all focus on this concept of “narcissistic supply”. Psychologists and researchers never talk about “victim supply”. That’s because the term doesn’t exist. But abusers are very familiar with victim supply. Victim supply is what the abuser intentionally gives the victim (usually through superficial charm) in order to initiate the victimization process. I strongly believe that in order to solve the problem of narcissistic abuse, at least half of the focus must be on the victims, not only treating them after the abuse has happened, but also identifying their most vulnerable personality traits and educating people before their are approached by an abuser.

    Reply
    • November 11, 2017 at 6:51 pm

      Thank you, if this was meant for me. I agree, I play the victim role well. I don’t know what else to do…but all those years before I found out how sick he was, I just kept trying to be better at whatever it was he was mad about. Now, at least, I try but have no investment in the outcome, so I’m protecting myself a little bit. Little by little, I feel, I will get stronger.
      Thank you
      Kim

      Reply
  • November 14, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    I have had to sit and watch, as the Narcissist Vampire, who caused every bit of my ex partners issues for 30 years. Has now re gaslighted and guilted and controlled them back into their lives. And now the Narc vampire is weaving her sickness and enmeshment controlling dominance patterns into the lives of my young children. As my ex just sits and watches it happen, allowing the abusive cycle to continue thinking its Normal. cause that is what she grew up with and still thinks its Normal human functioning. They have now flipped the entire cylce onto innocent people without ever looking in the mirror and taking ownership of their own issues. The article is bang on,except it does not mention the repeated patterns and cylce of the Narcissist Family patters being passed on generation to generation and how this causes many many issues and quite possibly brain damage.

    Reply
  • January 28, 2018 at 6:46 am

    Dr.Rhonda Freeman’s work (neuroinstincts.com) is more specific to the aftermath effects to the brain after a cluster b/psychopathic relationship. To date, she is the only neuropsychologist I am aware of who has collected data on survivor brain symptoms. As such, I think her work is a great contribution that we all should be recognizing that is unique to the neuro conditions of this particular population.

    Reply
  • April 7, 2018 at 7:51 pm

    This article answers a a lot for me. So dose the commemts,thank you
    I can feel an see these effects in my brain, just knowing what is going on in my cluster b mind, helps me to cope an not contributing my over used victom responce however it has only slowed my brain reactions. Seems they are stiil there unavoidable when still living with. It’s ironic that now when i have learned to tolerate i can think of nothing but getting away. I want more out of life but i don’t want to make the biggest mistake of my life. I’m old now 7 grandkids what to do.

    Reply
  • September 26, 2018 at 5:46 pm

    My ex mother-in-law recently passed at 81. I knew her for nearly 40 years. She was diagnosed with “A typical” Parkinson’s disease in her early 40s. Her husband was an abusive narc who belittled her daily and stole her identity. She had no career or way to get out. She had enormous brain damage by the early 2000s. The doctors treating her probably had no idea. I believe her immediate family including 3 sons all knew. Everyone including their wives just covered it all up over the years, medicating her for some “alien’ form of Parkinson’s when it was probably PTSD in overdrive.

    Reply
    • March 1, 2019 at 7:08 am

      I’m sorry, Poppy. It’s truly a sad thing that narcissistic abuse isn’t getting the acknowledgment we so desperately need in the medical arena. I’ve had several coaching clients who were academics who could no longer read a simple paragraph due to the cognitive decline they experienced after this type of trauma.

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing. Maybe your story will help someone who happens upon this thread.

      Kim XoXo

      Reply
  • March 17, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    First off,
    THANK YOU KIM SAEED!
    Your Brain injury report blew both my mind and my Very Good Counceler. It was a finishing touch that pushed me into recovering from 28yr. Marrage to my Narc.
    Problem, Why all the comments are (male) caused?
    I read it, monkey wispers, it was you, men are the problem, she was right the whole time.
    I do believe females are victoms 80% (guess) but I’m not the reason. I’m the 20%.
    I still will read your articles. I’ve given in to the monkey, So it thinks.
    Still no bananas for its input.
    Thank you again.
    If this is all my complaints, your awesome!

    Reply
  • June 16, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    Thank you Kim for a well written article.!The changes to the brain are alarming but neuro-plasticity comes to the rescue with somatic interventions! My only comment regarding the treatment is that research has shown that EMDR is much less effective for C-PTSD than it is for PTSD. These are quite distinctive traumas and cannot be treated with the same methods. Modalities that work that are lesser well-known are any of the modalities that target the trauma that resides in the body; such as Quantum Energy transformation or Biofield Healing and EFT which process the trauma (energy) in the body at the cellular level. This communicates to the body that it is safe which allows the amygdala to become less dominant and the hippocampus to begin regulating long term memory again.

    Reply
  • June 22, 2019 at 1:53 pm

    The woman I love Victoria has a mother that is an extreme narcissist. I am confident about this because the psychologist that is now treating me for suppressed emotions has known the family for over 20 years and has counseled the mother (as a friend, not a patient) over the years. The physiologist also took in & raised Victoria’s brother for a number of years due to the toxic environment in the home. At the time of our relationship Victoria was being treated with EMDR treatment for PTSD caused by her mother. This is not even the start of the real problem and is only a bit of background.
    On may of 2015 Victoria walked into traffic in a suicide attempt & was hit by a car as a pedestrian at 45 miles an hour and suffered a catastrophic Severe Traumatic Brain Injury including 18 contusions to the brain. This happened 4 months before our wedding date. I was removed by the mother from the ICU because I was not family and heard nothing for over a month. I was then told Victoria died via text message. I grieved for a year until i received a phone call from the mother telling me that she was homeless, Victoria was in a nursing home with S-TBI and was going to lose guardianship because the nursing home could not deal with the mother. All of this after I thought Victoria was dead for a year. I love Victoria with all of my heart so decided to help because I could not abandon her or let her become a ward of the state in a state that did not have a standard of care for TBI.
    Victoria is now unable to speak, can only move from the elbow down in one arm to a limited degree and is otherwise completely incapacitated. Despite emancipating from her mother at 16 and spending her entire adult life trying to avoid her mother the court gave the mother guardianship because no one else knew she was alive outside of the family.
    I had Victoria in home care in my home for 2 years and became her care taker for about 8 hours a day. we had 20 hours a day of home health aids provided by the state during that time but could not find enough CNA’s because they would quit after a week or 2 because of the mother. We went threw over 40 CNA’s in less than 10 months because they could not deal with the guardian. I loved every min of the time Victoria and i had together while in home care. I would take her out all the time so that she could still fell like she was part of the world and spent every waking moment that I was not working with her.
    I refused to financially support the mother’s excessive social life, so she tried to throw me out of my own house. When i told her it was my house & my money, not hers, the mother physically and aggressively attacked me while calling the police trying to say that I was attacking her. Luckily for me, our 80 year old neighbor walked in and caught her red handed beating on me. To be clear, I did not defend myself because I knew what she was trying to do. When the police arrived, the neighbor told them what happened and they created an incident report with no charges even though the mother admitted it to the officer after the neighbor made her witness statement.
    Sadly I had to throw the mother out of the house. It took 6 months for her to leave and turned into a hellish passive aggressive and abusive 6 months where the mother went to extremes to make my life a living hell where even my work got majorly effected, thus causing massive financial damage because I did not submit to her attempted extortion. I have not been allowed to see Victoria since and it has been 8 painful months.
    The psychologist says that I am suffering from long term repression of my emotions because I tried to hide the problems from Victoria and internalized the issue to keep her out of it. It is also more complicated because I would protect Victoria from her mother who tried to systematically erase all of the things Victoria liked and replace them with the things Victoria rebelled and emancipated from. I know I have a lot of guilt and feel like I have abandoned Victoria because I can no longer protect her from her mother.
    My entire life I have been called a giver. i was an EMT for 7 years, then became a combat photographer and EMT in Africa trying to help kids that were dragged into child soldiery. now I am having major problems helping people because of how much the narcissist took advantage of that.
    The reason for this post is that 2 of the 4 methods you mentioned on how to repair the damage directly connect to the situation. Aroma therapy instantly puts me in a bad mood because we had frankincense running in Victoria’s vaporizer 24/7 and the mother was a Doterra rep. She also took advantage of my instinctive desire to help others to the point that I feel regret and anger when I do so. I was wondering if you had other recommendations on how to reverse this because at this point i don’t trust anyone & even quit helping people as an EMT due to the emotions it stirs up.
    The psychologist I am seeing is very good and has defiantly been a great help especially with the experience she has dealing with the family for so long, but I also need to do more than just rely on her to change what is happening in my life.
    It is even more difficult because I am still trying to save Victoria from her mother and have come to the realization that the state nor the court care about the psychological damage Victoria is suffering & it is hard to prove that the mother is holding Victoria back from therapy for her own financial benefit. To give an example, I bought an in home hyperbolic chamber to give Victoria oxygen therapy per her doctors recommendation and it was used only 10 times because the mother doesn’t allow her to be treated when she is not there and is always out trying to act like she is a rich debutante instead of being at the house doing therapy she was shown when Victoria was in the Rehab facility. I would still marry Victoria despite her condition because of how much I love her.

    I hope you have a nice day, any recommendations would be appreciated.

    Gabriel

    Reply
  • August 21, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Thank You Kim
    I’ve gone threw so much abuse with the narcissists in my family. I was offered a ride to go see my husband in the hospital 6-1/2 weeks ago by my mother because i can’t drive. My mother got me to let my brother and his wife come along.I never thought that there would be so much trouble by my mother and brother.My mother did not tell her the name of the hospital we were going to and my brother got lost and in a wrong place,i tried to tell them and nobody would listen to me so my mother was laughing under her skin but trying not to show it . Then my brother sticks his fingers in my face and threatens me, when i said why wouldn’t you listen to me. I started to cry so i got them to my neurology building where i see my doctor and backed them off. Then we finally got to the hospital. My narcissist problem started when i was a child. I went threw trauma with my father he beat me up at 1 yr old i found that out after he died. I was so happy when he died from going through all this.,then at 3 with fingers in my face lifting me up by my hair. At 4 he came home from work asked my mom if she picked up something from the store and she couldn’t he was so mean he punched her in the head broke the arm of her glasses off as they went on the floor.Then he grabbed her and threw her in the corner of the sink then on the floor .She left to go to the store and left me there after i seen it all .I wanted to call my grandmother then my father grabs me throws me up against the wall threatening to kill me then throws me on the floor pointinting ing my face telling me that if i ever told anybody he would kill me. He always pointed his fingers in my face along with my brother when he could start to walk. My brother was not born until i was 2.Then 5 months after the trauma i was made fun of by them i developed ptsd.,3 kinds of epilepsy and bipolar starting 5 months later. I even had other family members that helped do this to me. Because of my illnesses i was always blamed for everything.Then they all held my illness against me not letting me see my niece or 2 nephews for over 20 years pointing at me you are not going anywhere near my kids. My brother had my mother call me to see if i would forgive i said to her remember i will forgive but don’t expect me to forget with all of this abuse. Then when my grandmother made her will and they could not find it all fingers where pointed at me because of brain damage it’s all her fault so i told them to come down and see for themselves that i have nothing which was very True. My mother would not even let me know when she died,i feel it’s because of her guilty conscience. I believe she had fear in her mind that i would tell the truth about everything and they could not face me for what they did to me. They all threw me out. My mother and i separated for 13 yrs. Then she had no choice but to tell the truth about my father beating me up in front of my ICM worker she was so embarrassed to admit it.Because my icm told my mom if you don’t tell her i will tell her.I’m trying to find out why all these different kinds of so much abuses were done to me and why just me. They would say to me that you are just so stupid that your daydreaming,putting things in your head,liar,you don’t know what your doing . The only time i can’t see,hear or feel is during a seizure and they know it.

    Reply
  • November 25, 2019 at 12:05 am

    Thanks for this article. I found it tremendously enlightening and inspirational in my early recovery from narcissistic abuse. It informed and changed my healing strategy. I started looking at my condition as physical as well as psychological and researched and experimented with ways to deal with the physical condition. I credit that with a dramatic increase in the speed of my healing, so thank you for that inspiration! I’ve shared this article quite a bit, because I think it can really help other people and these ideas don’t seem widely known, yet.

    Reply

The discussion section is closed to new comments for this blog.