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Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You But Won’t Let You Go Easily

Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience you’ll have in your life.  It’s wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand.

Just when you think you’ve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight.

It’s absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like you’ve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.

It’s as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul.  As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as you…and they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.

The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and you’ve accepted in your heart and soul that it’s time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.

It’s so utterly confusing.  Why do they do this?  Are they a tortured soul who is so wounded that they just can’t help it?  Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?

As a person who loves the narcissist, it’s usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors.  We can identify with what we believe is their inner pain…but this is a story we tell ourselves.  A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.

There is a reason they do this, but it’s hard to digest.  Sometimes, though, we need the truth because it’s the one thing that can finally set us free.

(watch the video here)

The Sad Truth About Narcissistic Hatred

The reason you’ve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them.

But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but won’t let you go easily.

The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply.  So, though they couldn’t care less about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you…albeit it a torturous one.

They won’t let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist.  These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.

They want the benefits without all the damage control.  They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.

This is why, when you try to make them see how they’re hurting you, it is utterly pointless.  In fact, it’s during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissist’s personality…and it’s chilling.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.

This is not the case.

They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact.  When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissist’s wounded self.

This will never happen and it’s important to accept this painful truth.

Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors.  In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.

Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established.  This may be to avoid the narcissist’s wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist you’re not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, it’s a budding system of enabling.

A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start.

The Truth About When Things Seem Normal

It’s vital to understand that when the narcissist is being nice, it’s an integrated part of the abuse.  A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self.  The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.

Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive…the illusion that things can be like they were before.

This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.

If you go along with this mirage, you’ll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.

Copyright 2018 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, LLC

Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You But Won’t Let You Go Easily

Kim Saeed - Transformation Coach, Author, Researcher, and Educator

Kim Saeed is an internationally respected self-help author and educator specializing in recovery and rebuilding after toxic relationships. She is the founder of Let Me Reach, a life transformation site that teaches people to flourish after narcissistic abuse. She is the author of two Kindle bestsellers, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! and 10 Essential Survivor Secrets to Liberate Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse. She is also writing an upcoming book, The Way of the Warrior, for Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.

Kim is a credentialed educator with a background in psychology, research and development, and organizational development. Her work has been shared in non-profit women's shelters and lauded by therapists and mental health experts. Her course, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp, has helped people from all over the world to detach from toxic relationships, begin their healing journeys, and reclaim their lives.

You can find Kim’s work and sign up for her newsletter at LetMeReach.com.


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APA Reference
, . (2018). Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You But Won’t Let You Go Easily. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 17, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liberation/2018/06/why-the-narcissist-seems-to-hate-you-but-wont-let-you-go-easily/

 

Last updated: 7 Jun 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Jun 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.