56 thoughts on “Want To Be Mentally Tough? Stop Doing These Five Things

  • November 14, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Good article that makes strong points about empowering behaviors. I was trying to turn the “don’t do this” and “stop thats” into positive statements. For instance:
    1. Take responsibility for your own behavior
    2. This one is tough and I need help on it. The best I have so far is Focus On Your Own Positive Actions which then comes out much like #1
    3. Stay In The Moment – this sounds a little new-agey but captures the essence of the advice.
    4. Take incremental steps continuously to improve situations and achieve goals
    5. Focus On Now – really the same as #3. #3 talks about not spending time in future fantasy and 5 is about not dwelling on the past. Both are accomplished by staying in the present.

    I would like to hear how others turn these 5 negative admonitions into positive statements of encouragement.

    Reply
    • November 14, 2014 at 11:18 am

      I like this approach Michael. I think I would say

      1. Take responsibility

      2. Accept people as they are

      3. Stay in the Moment

      4. Accept your life as it is

      5. Accept your losses

      Best,

      Claire Nana LMFT

      Reply
      • November 14, 2014 at 12:00 pm

        Thanks Claire – your suggestions are simple yet powerful and easy to remember.

        Reply
      • December 29, 2014 at 10:25 am

        I see myself in this article – but HOW does one become mentally tough? I am forever doing all 5 of those things on a second by second basis and it’s dragging me down.

        Reply
      • December 31, 2014 at 7:30 am

        Donna, I am with you. The 5 points are easier said than done but we must try hard to change our thinking. Think of it as training for a marathon- a mental marathon. Maybe take one of these 5 at a time and focus on thinking each way for a while – til it comes naturally- before moving onto the next challenge.

        Reply
      • December 31, 2014 at 8:46 am

        Well said Aishika!

        Donna, no one is perfect, and the five things are reminders, not ideals. Take what you can from them, and work on the ones you feel you will be most effective with.

        And, as Aishika said, becoming mental strong is akin to becoming physically strong. It requires a lot of time, patience, and diligence. But perhaps the question to ask is, “am I a little stronger today than yesterday?”

        I hope that helps!

        Claire Nana LMFT

        Reply
  • December 27, 2014 at 9:55 am

    I’d argue there are times to “take it personally” when it comes to someone or a group who is attacking you because of who you are. And do we just “accept” brutal dictators and regimes for “who they are”? Acknowledgement perhaps but acceptance… no way.

    “Don’t take it personally” is a favorite phrase of mean people who are screwing you over.

    Reply
    • December 31, 2014 at 7:28 am

      Thank you. I agree 100%

      Reply
    • December 31, 2014 at 8:53 am

      Drake,

      I certainly understand it is hurtful when the anger and attack is directed at you, and the intent is never to simply allow brutality. However, the brutal acts are those of the people who commit them and not a reflection of anyone else. This is what is meant by not taking it personally — you are not responsible for anyone but yourself, and certainly not “mean people”.

      I hope this clarifies things.

      Best,
      Claire Nana LMFT

      Reply
      • January 4, 2015 at 10:47 am

        Claire,

        Going further on the “don’t take it personally” message; How can one reconcile, for example when they “feel” they are being mocked or belittled. Even when you ascribe such behavior as a reflection of its source, how do you 1) respond to the source without losing it and, 2) control your anger/hurt from getting stored in your psyche and getting it regurgitated as internal dialogue long after the incident has passed.
        This example can be true of many other situations and especially affect people who are more sensitive to adverse stimuli.

        Thanks

        Reply
      • January 4, 2015 at 1:08 pm

        Thanks for the question- and it is a great one, as I’m sure many people can relate to the experience you describe.

        And it got me thinking…

        Why don’t I write a post specifically about how not to take these personal attacks personally- and what to do instead.

        How does that sound?

        Best,
        Claire Nana LMFT

        Reply
  • January 3, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    I see these traits in a lot of depressed people, it seems…

    Reply
  • January 4, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Hi Claire,

    Sounds great. Can’t wait. I think this “fear” also keeps many people from living life more fully as the anxiety of recurrence of such dread is daunting. Guidance on how to deal with current and past episodes would be most welcome.

    Most of us realize we cannot “control” how people may act or react to us, but simply telling ourselves not to internalize or take personal what is likely the problem of others does not always result in the inner serenity or ability to not be affected.

    Thank you for your thoughfullness and timely response.

    Reply
    • January 4, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      My pleasure!

      Look for this post tomorrow.

      And thanks again for your thought and insight, as again, I think it captures something many people struggle with.

      Glad to help!

      Reply
    • January 26, 2015 at 5:34 am

      When someone attacks you, ask yourself “is it true” about yourself, your beliefs, your reality? Ex. someone across the street yells “you are so stupid”, and walks away, would you take that personally?
      If you are stupid, you may agree. But if you are certain that you are not stupid, then you can ignore the insult because it doesnt apply to you. if its not true, then its not personal. if you can see, hear and know the truth, you are able react accordingly. the truth is always true whether you believe it or not!

      Reply
    • January 26, 2015 at 6:42 am

      Most of us realize we cannot “control” how people may act or react to us, but simply telling ourselves not to internalize or take personal what is likely the problem of others does not always result in the inner serenity or ability to not be affected.
      my RESPONSE: one doesnt need to control others, its about S E L F.
      If you take the problems of others personally then theres no place for inner serenity or the ability to be unaffected.
      this type of thought process is not productive and is counter intuitive to SELF awareness and realization.

      Reply
  • January 18, 2015 at 12:51 am

    I came to tears when you said about letting go of the past and accepting it’s gone and that you will never be able to go back to it. I just can’t do that, my life has completely changed, and everything is different in every possible way. I hate things now, the only thing that I have to hold onto is the past and my old home and my memories. Without them I haven’t got anything and I see no real point in life where I am now. Right now at this moment is the lowest I’ve ever been, the past is a comfort and the future is hope. I can’t accept the reality I’m in now because it’s incredibly painful. Even reading about letting go of the past and not looking to the future brings me huge pain and tears. How do I overcome this…

    Reply
    • January 20, 2015 at 1:13 am

      Kelly, you must assure yourself that time is on your side. I’m going through exact same thing. I lost everything. I refuse to lose any more of myself. Get your mind off of things. You can’t help things popping up all day long but you can choose to stop dwelling on it. Be strong , it’s in us all some just need to cry longer and dog deeper. I have several good rules that has saved my life… I’ll be glad to share. Remember even these feelings are meant to happen to strengthen you and enlighten you to look deeper and learn to look past things people and remember get strong because one day you might be all alone old and alone to die. Are you ok with that and how you spent your days or are you going to be unfulfilled because you chose to dwell in sorrow and pity. Now go help someone else it’s healing! Ps don’t forget to reed the notes I have they really are good tools. 🙂

      Reply
    • January 20, 2015 at 9:09 am

      Kelly,

      When we feel like we have lost everything, it’s normal to wish we could go back- and right after losing everything might not be the best time to try to avoid this. Allow the feelings, but acknowledge that the uncertainty of how to go forward is normal too. And keep going forward. Look to find anything positive that you can – when you can — in small moments, reaching, helping others (as Tony said). And recognize your strength when you can – that what you are going through is incredibly hard, and you are facing it, and trying every day.

      Best,
      Claire Nana LMFT

      Reply
    • January 26, 2015 at 6:24 am

      how are you feeling now? jan 25 12:01 am? i hope you have gotten some answers that will help you change course. i see your answers in your own post.
      You said “I just can’t do that”. This sentence is the reason you are immobilized.
      “How do I overcome this”? you said I cant, so how can you?
      if reading about letting go of the past brings you pain and sorrow, STOP doing it for the time being.
      “not looking to the future brings me huge pain and tears”.
      hope doesnt equal pain & tears. you said u are at the lowest and all you have is your past, your home & memories & w/o them you have nothing.
      how do you propose to allow for the future when the past takes up so much room.
      you said you see no real point in life right now, ask yourself if thats true? do you believe it to be true? why isnt it true?

      “i hate things now,” I question if this true.
      “I see no real point in life where I am now.” the real point of where you are now is proportionate to where you want to go.
      i journal and keep a gratitude log. my own words & wisdom have saved been whats always come to my rescue.

      Reply
    • February 22, 2015 at 4:04 pm

      I feel the same, I know I shouldn’t look back but I feel so unhappy with my present life looking back is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane.

      Reply
    • May 17, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Hello Kelly, I’m in the same boat you are. My life has radically changed. It’s now May 2015 and I tried to take my life last Dec because I lost everything. My wife of 26 years filed for divorce, my kids don’t want anything to do with me, and facing complete financial ruin. I’m still facing major medical complications due to my suicide attempt. I’m praying for you. I know I haven’t said anything to help you, but to just let you know I do understand what you’re going through, and I don’t know you, but if I did I’d be right there with letting you know that you’re loved and a precious child of God. I’d like to hear what you’ve been doing to make it through each day, that may very well help me.

      Reply
  • January 26, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    I wish I could hug the author right now. I really needed this and I’m so thankful.

    Reply
  • January 29, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    I can understand how Kelly feels, and at times feel like her. BUT… there are two things I do ..no three things… NO, tons of things I do to get myself out of this negative depressing mind set.
    1. I spend a lot of time on my knees praying to God to fill me with his hope, joy, and wisdom of how to handle things.
    2. I journal my feelings all the time! Its my way to release my thoughts and energy. Venting is awesome…even if Im doing it with myself.
    3. I look in the mirror when Im feeling crappy and even sometimes through tears, tell myself…Im awesome..i am loving, I am talented, I am sweet, I am kind…etc..and fill my thoughts with all the positives I possess. You have to convince yourself sometimes..but that’s ok. I refuse to let my thoughts poison who I really am.
    YOU MY DEAR, ARE VERY SPECIAL. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND AND GOD DONT MAKE NO JUNK. YOU ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE AND YOU ARE AMAZING!!
    4. I read read read books on being successful, positive and successful. W. clement stone and Wayne Dwyer are awesome at making you feel like positive and gets you off the “pity party train”.

    this last statement is not meant to demean your feelings. I feel bad that you are hurting so badly..I know the feeling!! But only you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. Its not easy and takes a lot of work and a lot of tears, but YOU WILL BE OK!! THINK OF YOURSELF AS A PRECIOUS GEM, WHICH YOU ARE. Don’t let negative thoughts ruin your life…its not worth it. there is always something to be happy and/or thankful for. You even have people on here that are rooting for you and they don’t even know you 🙂
    Good Luck sweetie. Hope this helped a little

    Reply
  • January 30, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    I’m surprised, no love confessions to Claire, hey people focus she is the best girl you’ll ever meet on earth :))))))

    Reply
  • February 4, 2015 at 9:20 am

    THANK YOU! Very much!, Claire, your article has help me like you have no idea, specially the one point about not to take things personally, you know we read and read about this issues but there is a time when it just hits you, and you get it, this is where I am, usually I look for a how to be strong mentally, but we really need to know what not to do too, or what thing to stop doing, in order to advance in the battle, and your article pointed to every one thing I was doing that on my own I would have probably overlooked. Thank you very much from bottom of my heart and God Bless you Claire, This is my favorite go to website for mental health 🙂

    Reply
    • February 4, 2015 at 7:00 pm

      My pleasure Mimi!

      I’m so glad to hear when my posts are helpful.

      By the way, if you liked the last one, I just posted another that is very similar, “11 Lessons Athletes Can Teach Us About The Game Of Life.”

      Enjoy!

      Reply
  • March 1, 2015 at 9:49 am

    “Stop Forecasting” : interesting points, but I feel very uneasy with that statement because it should be taken on the 2nd degree when many people could take it on the 1st!

    So I think something like : “Stop excessive worries about the future and anticipate efficiently when it’s necessary!”, seems more appropriate, also because anticipation is fundammental to life, for example without it you don’t eat anymore 🙂 because you don’t anticipate anything good about it, you can’t catch a ball, because you don’t anticipate its path etc … and on top of that you don’t anticipate climate change and keep burning a maximum of fuel for present fun 🙂 I anticipate a great recognition from future generations.

    Reply
  • March 11, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    I can remember being VERY deep in thought on my way to work one day. It was a new job. My old job (the one I liked) was no longer available due to a fire. I didn’t realize I was just going through the motions and not actually thinking about where I was going. Until- I drove into the parking lot of my old job. I knew this is not where I should be but ended up here anyway.

    The pattern of driving to the same destination nearly 800 times just kicked in naturally. Muscle memory, patterns of behavior or whatever you want to call it was an ingrained behavior part of my everyday routine for many years.

    So – when you talk to someone who has been mentally trained one way and told to BE another way. It is hard to grasp, uncomfortable and even overwhelming when fear has kept that behavior strong.

    Which leads me to my question. How can someone untie their emotional response from fear – when that is all they have known?

    Reply
    • March 11, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Hi Samantha,

      I love your description– it’s very on point with what I think a lot of people feel. Fear can feel very automatic, and some call the compulsion to repeat event that invoke it “repetition compulsion”, because it can feel so automatic.

      I like your question, however, and I think it’s very timely. Also, I think something many could relate to.

      I think what I will do, instead of answering it her, is write a blog about it.

      Thanks again for your comment, and raising an important issue.

      Best,
      Claire Nana LMFT

      Reply
  • March 15, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    Very useful one.

    Reply
  • March 18, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Next time someone punches me in the stomach I’m going to give them a big smile and thank them and offer them another go at me if they want it

    Reply
    • March 22, 2015 at 3:19 am

      Clair and all, thank you,
      Kari,
      That happened to me at one point (..at least), and the result had been remarkable, because I did just what you described as ‘response’ (whether you said it jokingly, or seriously…forgive me, my sense of humour is gone, CPTSD, ok?). At that point I won, and you know why?? I HAD NO FEAR. This doesn’t happen often with me, yes I am bit too sensitive, but at that point of my life (the only point)I felt HAPPY, that’s why I didn’t have any fear. In the retrospect I now know, that despite my (at that point) respect to those people, #1 their nastiest comment, even though was surprising, didn’t hit me at my core, because at the core I was happy with something else; in turn, #2 my preoccupation with something else, made me ASSERTIVE with other things. Sounds strange, should be otherwise??..but here is what I mean. It’s like, when you don’t care, you see things clearly, you see the true ESSENSE of the situation (not that you don’t care about anyone or anything). That essence was NOT about ME at all, even though, it was me who was told the most impolite/insulting/sexist/e.t.c. thing straight to my face (and some rejoicing). The essence had been not what I was TOLD, but WHY I was told that, and it’s not just my subjective guess, many facts (not worth mentioning)were pointing towards that obvious WHY. The person had been very insecure about the situation with me, wanted to undermine my confidence and, as a result, to make me see my situation and myself the certain, negative way. For him it would yield a positive result, in his mind, I would consider something he felt I wasn’t considering, and he was right, I wasn’t. Now, what this has to do with the topic: definitely I am not saying we shouldn’t care, God forbid, but we should be assertive (I am not..hahaha), but we can assert only when we stop fear/worry about the future. That happens when we are ‘in the moment’, as a result, we make right decisions about future. That’s what Clair meant, I think, by saying ‘stop forecasting, be in the moment’. That’s why she didn’t say ‘stop anticipating’. I also feel (Clair, correct me, if I am wrong), that even though she completely implies ‘anticipation’, she tries to prevent from the ‘catastrophic thinking about future’, as opposed to expecting ‘bad’, as well as ‘good’. ‘Anticipation’, on the other hand, is, as many dictionaries on incorrect usage of words are bagging to understand, is ‘to do as correct calculation as possible about what is coming, WITH THE PURPOSE OF OREVENTING IT’, exactly as ‘AnticipationLover’ describes it. It’s not synonymous to ‘expect’,- for ex, ‘I anticipate a friend of my will be calling soon’ is incorrect, it should be something like ‘she anticipated this/that/negative and did this/that/took precautions’. How do you calculate? Just like Clair proposes, try to worry less about the future, do more about it, BY UNDERSTANDING YOUR CURRENT SITUATION, and getting rid of worries will enable this. It’s like a circle, ironically, vacuous and not vicious simultaneously, yes, it’s difficult to do, but it’s a good thing to do. My comment is getting too lengthily, but ALL of you didn’t only said something interesting, but HELPED me, and I mean it (I look up other blogs from time to time, some are good). Tony and Kelly, you don’t even know how much you helped me to realise something really important…won’t keep you now, can ask me, if you wish, hope my reply helps you….going back to Kari…and that’s what is meant by ‘turning the other chick’: it’s NOT ‘you can have me all’, because I am so forgiving’, it’s ‘YOU CAN DO IT AS MUCH, AS YOU WANT, BECAUSE I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU’. Not having fear is the best, I know for sure, as I have lots of it. Assertiveness, haha, I wish I had, but I don’t, as fear stands on it’s way. See, when I mentioned, ‘I was happy with something else’, I CARED too much about it, in turn allowed too much responsibility to shift from others to me, …and IT ENDED BAD. Yes, it feels unfair, when some of us are assertive about unimportant things in our lives and other way round about important. Everything falls into what Clair sad, and is interconnected. Also, as mimi said, the post didn’t just tells us how we should feel, but also, WHAT TO DO about it. It is in many ways Cognitive Behavioral Approach (Clair, my apology, if you don’t adhere to it), and this methodology I appreciate a lot, at least in the study of Psychology. My feeling is, that every single person above would enjoy Dr. George K Simon, just google. So many thanks.

      Reply
  • March 21, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Coming at this as a depressed person, I find this an interesting list. I am guilty of all of these except forecasting. I am not a strong person, and am certainly a dreamer. People’s words hit me- hard. I suppose I am not a proper member of society.

    But I’ve made it through a lot of mental struggles that I’m not sure a lot of other people could face. Perhaps it’s a kind of mentality- bending without breaking. And I love myself, the inner self that comes with with my (excessive) sensitivity.

    I think the person you present is a powerful one, a one that changes society, and one that I can’t help but admire. My mother is one of those people. I aspire towards some of these traits. But I believe it takes all kinds, and some personality traits are inborn.

    Reply
    • March 25, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      LivetheQueen your awesome

      Reply
  • April 16, 2015 at 4:17 am

    Thank you Claire. Your article has opened up a new way to think. I have been facing so many problems. May be if I follow all the 5 points, I will be at peace with me and the people around me. Thank You again.

    Reply
    • April 16, 2015 at 6:28 am

      My pleasure, I always love to hear when something I write is helpful.

      Best,
      Claire

      Reply
  • May 4, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Hello Claire,

    I am a year 8 student in Australia, i have a very loving and down to earth mother, but she always believes she is in the right and in most cases will not listen to reason, recently i have been given a history assignment on medieval torture, a very touchy subject and rather vague, as i slowly made my way through doing this project, my mom has constantly rushing me, assuming her way is the right way to do it, Constantly yelling, bullying and badgering me, using my possessions and lifestyle as hostages, and not listening to my explanations, assuming everything i do is wrong, she doesn’t have first hand knowledge of the subject and has little idea of the actual work itself, she is taking the very brief rubric far too literally and is expecting me to do it all to a freakishly possible standards, offering me little breaks, rest time, or even any sort of positive reinforcement, deleting hard work over and over again just because i didn’t bookmark my work when i didn’t use a website for the information, as i was using what my teacher had been teaching me in class, and abusing her parental status, she has a lot of leverage on me, but there is nothing i could use to get back on her, because if i did do something in return, she would just punish me more. she is not a physically abusive parent, but definitely a stubborn and angry one, she has left me in such a state that i can not think straight. the stress she is putting me through is ironically worse than the tortures i am researching.. please give me some coping advice.

    Reply
    • May 4, 2015 at 7:16 am

      practically my whole life can change in a pin drop, this was supposed to be a small, insignificant project, she has turned it into life or death.

      Reply
    • May 4, 2015 at 10:26 am

      I am very sorry to hear about your situation, and it certainly sounds like you are in an excruciating situation. Without knowing the constraints of your relationship with your mother, it’s very tough to render any thoughts. However, my first question would be, how can you get free from your mother’s control over you?

      Best,
      Claire Nana M.A.

      Reply
  • May 11, 2015 at 5:03 am

    Claire,

    You are so right! Each item you’ve listed rings True.

    Many thanks for this memorizable list to keep us focused on the only place where we can effect change–this vanishingly teeny slice of time called NOW.

    I’ve spent DECADES crying the Blues and hashing over my past in order to determine whether or not my mother loved me (she never did, but she NEEDS me like the BPD she is). Your article is right for me, now. It would not have been right 8 years ago, however, as I had to climb out of a mountain of dung in order to see the light.

    Now it’s time to ‘trow dat sh*t aWAY’ and get on with the business at hand in the few years I have left!

    Thanks for keeping us on the straight and narrow, and for not letting us wallow in swill!

    Reply
    • May 12, 2015 at 11:11 am

      Hi Carol,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this post, and found it useful! I loved your enthusiasm too — yes it’s time “to trow dat sh*t aWAY”

      All the best to you!

      Reply
  • May 20, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Hi Claire
    I find that I am pretty strong in all but one of the 5. Taking things personally. I love the thought of, I am not their actions. And this has nothing to do with me. Although when these things happen, I find my humanly ways kick in, and hard to find that thought. And maybe find the thought, but then get stuck on how rude. I know I am me and should not compair my self with them, then I will start to figure out why would one do or act in such a way. I would consider myself pretty strong other wise. but may care to much what others think, or there opinions. As I think about this I think both ends of this ( to feal or not to feal ) are incorrect. what do you have to say?

    Reply
    • May 22, 2015 at 8:22 am

      Hi Doug,

      First off, thanks for reaching out. I hear in your words a sentiment that is common to many of us — that is the desire to be treated fairly. On a side note, this is common to animals as several animal studies have shown that even they understand fairness. You are not wrong for wanting it, and certainly it stings when you don’t get it. But, as you know, the truth, we are not always treated kindly, and at those times, we typically want most to correct the wrong — I think in many ways this is probably an instinctual drive.

      I like to look at it from this perspective: The behaviors that are most adaptive (kindness, gratitude, altruism, courage, etc) will survive and the ones which are not (rudeness, meanness, conceit, contempt, etc) will die off, ONLY, if — like in any Darwinian system — the non-adaptive behaviors do not provide the desired results. On an individual level, this means ignoring them. What anybody is looking for in communication is engagement. If we don’t engage, we don’t give them the response they want. And soon enough, they will stop engaging in that way with us. Of course this is easier said than done, but it helps to remember that often when we do respond to rude or mean people, we don’t show our best side either.

      I hope that helps!

      Best,
      Claire Nana

      Reply
  • May 23, 2015 at 6:26 am

    This article has helped me a lot with my problems. Just wanted to say Thank you!

    Reply
  • June 2, 2015 at 8:28 am

    I love you for writing such an accurate article based on truth and not some stupid article about escaping reality through meditation and beliefs…. i Love You

    Reply
  • June 17, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Thanks for the great article. These are great additions to my daily use tools.

    I have just awakened to the fact that I have wasted 12 years of my life that I can’t get back.
    I am shattered to see how it all fell apart, and no one even saw.

    The shattering was inevitable, like a vase falling from a tall shelf, I ran to save ie too late all gone, all my fault. 9/11 killed me . I am still walking around but trust no one they all leave.
    Now on top of the pain ofthat I pile the realization that I have been sitting in a doctors waiting room waiting to be healed. andt they just went to lunch

    Reply
  • June 24, 2015 at 2:12 am

    so rite on ,i cld tell ur a very strong woman 🙂

    Reply
  • June 29, 2015 at 9:37 am

    I completely agree. I thought it was a really inspiring article-at least for someone like me who has problem making 5 steps , and need to make a visit every week to the Athletic Edge Sports Medicine ( http://aesm.ca ) facility nearby to my chiropractor, in Toronto where I live, to keep my back pain in check. I met with a cycling accident 2 years back, and needed a spinal fusion surgery. I still have post-surgery problems-well you know how it is like after spinal surgeries.

    Life can be bitter, but it’s best to let go of the past, to stop thinking about the future, and to just live the present to the fullest and always be happy!

    Reply
  • June 30, 2015 at 3:10 am

    well…..i’m screwed

    Reply
  • July 19, 2015 at 10:42 am

    This one is surely for me , thank you so much..!

    Reply
  • August 31, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    This is a great article. Being 51, I know some of them all to well. I will read this many times when I feel like I am slipping. My friends don’t get it when I refuse to have an argument. I need time alone to connect with the situation and be as objective as I can. It does me no good to accuse and throw in the others face a situation from the past. Tempers rise and get out of control. I don’t accept that behavior from myself and I refuse to allow that crap in my home. I ALWAYS say it takes two to tango. People don’t like hearing that. Useless behavior such as calling names and bringing up old issues is not productive for me. I hold communication and Introspection with the highest regard and since I like to preach this to others, I except the same of myself. Another one of my favorites is “walk your talk”. If I’m not true to myself how will my intimacy with others exist. Steven covey

    Reply
    • August 31, 2015 at 5:12 pm

      Oh well my lack of technical knowledge reared its head once again. So to continue… Steven Covey talks about a win/win exchange and I think it’s a valid concept. He also wrote we must listen to understand and then discuss to be understood.
      I do take issue with the part about delusion thinking while this is essential to gaining strength, I feel something was left out. Visualization is an excellent practice that encourages strength by guiding to be more goal oriented and more responsible for their future. Instead of expectations that extraneous circumstances or the death of some rich uncle will solve all their problems. Just my outlook. I think that my long ramblings will make my thoughts clearer. Talk about illusions….

      Reply
  • September 1, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Holy crap.

    Have you had a look at the author’s biography? Seriously, she knows about family issues.

    She’s not trying to be your personal counselor, here to fix all your problems with a one-size-fits-all approach. She is giving very general advice that has resonated with many people, including myself. I for one, felt tougher already just reading this post.

    Bottom line is, always victimizing yourself will only continue to hurt you. If you need help that is tailored specifically to your situation, find a licensed therapist near you.

    Reply
  • September 12, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    Good list. But there’s one I always practice along with the rest listed; never show anger.
    That’s probably one that has saved my skin more than once. Inside, I can be on fire, but on the outside, you have to be cool. Because what people see effects them, and if it’s the person who’s pissed you off, that gives them fuel. So cut that shit off. It’s the best way to walk away feeling like you’ve gained something every time.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2015 at 6:53 am

    I came across this article and if exactly describes what I am going through right now. Theee years ago I divorced my husband after 13 years of mental anguish and totally losing myself to him. Nowi I think I am ready to move on and have met this seemingly wonderful man but I can’t open up to him. I’m afraid that the teaes of living with my husband have turned me into a clam and it is destroying me. I thought three years was enough to rid myself of the effects. Interestingly enough I dated someone else previously to my new love interest and although he was not the kind of man I would want in my future I was able to open up to him. What’s wrong with me??

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *