nothing at all

I want to inspire you. I want to be funny for you.

When I needed ideas, my editor said maybe I should just be real. That that’s an important part for the reader to see. Seeing as she has so much experience and all…

I feel sad. For the past several days, I have had a little grey cloud on a stringĀ  attached to my belt loop.

It has been my experience that sadness “for no reason” usually indeed, does have a reason. I’m giving up figuring out why some push back. Yeah, just not in the mood.

I vacillate a lot.

I’ve felt huge anger with sharp little edges of grief, toss in a little hopeless and that is a fairly good description of how it’s going for me right now. And I sloth at the tiniest thing (sloth is my word for cry). I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been moved to tears this past couple of weeks.

I am not a hateful person.

I hate a holiday alone.

My isolation for the last six months has been caused by me and only me.

I haven’t given it that much thought. I’ve never had to go out to meet people. Not since I was seven.

I want a relationship – a marriage – a family – to give my love to, but often the fear of being hurt blocks my way. This tool can be quite helpful but I’ve grown tired of it. That tool no longer serves me. It hinders, I suppose.

Sometimes I’m convinced that I am somehow broken. That is why I am alone.

So welcome to the real Leslie. She’s feeling like she’s coming just a bit undone. This Les at this moment.

But alas, my pilot light burns small but bright.

See you for my next post. Alone or not, America is a beautiful and amazing thing to celebrate. And I wish that joy for you.


PHOTO CREDIT: Creative Commons License photo credit: lonely radio