Body Obsession

When you are told that a loved one has cancer, you can almost hear the tires as your life comes to a screeching halt. Time stands still, everything moves in slow motion. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I don’t understand.” And that about sums up my reaction.

I think, in many ways, my life since my loved one’s diagnosis, if I am not careful, could head to a place that isn’t all that good.

I live my life, skating along the edge. What most people take for granted, I often have to work very hard for and sometimes even struggle for.

In the recent past, I have partied too much, slept too much, stayed up too much and stayed out late too much and have done something, anything and everything to avoid having to feel.

As always, I love that I can be there for everybody else in my world but I fail to show up for myself.

I sometimes look in the mirror and as they say, don’t really recognize the woman staring back at me. Nobody knows. I am always “up” – always extroverted – high profile – always the one person that brings levity to the room….the one that makes everyone laugh – the one who always helps solve other’s problems –

I am getting to be a better and better actress. Because of who I am, everyone and I mean everyone knows if something’s wrong so I have to use all of my tricks to be “on” so that people won’t notice. Plus, I have to focus on work so I work very hard to push it all to the back burner – to keep it at arm’s length so I can do my job.

So, I’ve seen with my own eyes the impact a person’s attitude has on cancer.

You know what I was thinking today? If Doctors lied and told their patients their life expectancy was longer than the data said it is supposed to be? …would people outlive that time frame? I think some would. Damn that ethical oath thing.

Anyone that has tried to talk to me about it gets to witness a complete meltdown. I have never cried so hard and so much in my lifetime.

I am angry. And anger is power.

I don’t really care about much of anything except my loved one at present. The gift is that I look at things differently now. I look at problems and see them as tiny. I just had my apartment and everything in it nearly completely destroyed – it’s in disarray and I have concrete floors and a dozen machines trying to dry it out and it doesn’t upset me in the least.

People (we all do) worry about and get upset over the most insignificant things. Relationships matter – people matter – love matters..the rest is all stuff. You can rebuild and replace stuff but you cannot get time back. You cannot get people back.

No matter how much you prepare – no matter how much you pray that you are prepared, there is absolutely nothing that can.

Sometimes, I’m afraid if I stop running, I will be overcome and overwhelmed with pain.

I don’t know a lot of things but this I  know for certain: I will be an advocate, a warrior, pure courage. I am a force to be reckoned with.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Hibr