I don’t understand mopping. I’m college educated and I still just really don’t understand.

If you follow my blog, you know all about my recent ventures into the dangerous world of dating. Do you know how risky it is to be so …so raw and vulnerable?  Right here, with this little piece, I may send many of my potential suitors away…off to marry women who look sexy with yellow rubber gloves on and smelling of Mr. Clean.

I mean, it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’m 47 so certainly, I’ve had ample time to develop and refine my floor cleansing skills.  All that happened is that the dirt ended up getting swirled round and round and then eventually wound up in the corners of the room.

The water’s dirty – the mop’s now gray, not white. What is the point?

So then we have the sponge mop. What a great invention

OK, a little easier – but again, what am I supposed to do with the dirt? At the end of my sponge mop exercise, the little yellow sponge on the end of the pole is what? It’s gross – it’s now a gray/ yellow and there are all sorts of things stuck to it and the dirt? It’s back in the corners of the room again. What IS it with the corners of the room?

Back on my knees, with a roll of paper towels and Windex – cleaning the corners of the room.

…..What’s that you say? A Swiffer Bucketless Floor Cleaning System? OK, I’ll bite!

After my usual Saturday morning Target run I returned home and excitedly (ok,, that may be a bit of an exaggeration) pulled the telescoping Swiffer from the box and stretched the pre-moistened cloth (YES! Convenience!) and clamped it on…and clamped it on elatedly I might add. WOW! And doesn’t it work great?  I think we may just have a winner!

…for about 4 square feet!  You know my moist little cloth?  Well, it’s all dried out and it’s getting a little costly to “mop” my 1400 square foot, hard wood floored living room.

Now, Vacuuming …that’s a treat. It’s bad enough that I have to drag the thing around my apartment but now we need to pay $400 for a high-end vacuum with a swiveling ball and a glowing guarantee of consistent, non failing suction. Oh God.

And who hasn’t stopped the vacuum to bend over, pick something up, look at it then throw it back down on the carpet to then run the vacuum over it? And why can’t it pick up nails or rocks or a fallen dinner napkin? For $400, it better damn well suck up an entire place setting.

Now I’m really blowing it with some of my potential future lovers but really, WHO cleans their oven? Anybody? How do we know, really? When you go to a dinner party, do you ever see inside the hostesses oven? No. Can I be honest? I tried once and because I do absolutely nothing in moderation, I figured the more I emptied the can of oven cleaner, the cleaner and easier it would be, right?

That’s what I told the physician on call at the ER. Who needs Koolaid when that stuff could kill off an entire cult?

And now onto the subject of dirty drip pans. The answer is easy…simply move.

My hands are thrown up in the air! I’m waving my little white Swiffer cloth (flag). I surrender, ok?  Cleaning tasks are best left to the professional.

Let me tell you something. When she (the real domestic godess cleaning fairy) knocks on my door, the clouds part, the angels sing and I am hands down, the single happiest person this side of California.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Jos Dielis