9 thoughts on “The Unwanted Child: Feeling a Unique Kind of Hurt

  • September 23, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    Sounds familiar. As the daughter of an angry, inconsistent and abusive mother I vowed that if I had children I’d want them all to be boys so there was minimal risk of my repeating my mother’s behaviour. Of course at 37 finding myself unexpectedly pregnant yep you’ve guessed it. I had a girl. Terrifying. But then I thought no, it’s my chance to right my mother’s wrongdoing to me. I have the most lovely, self confident, independent daughter. I often tell her…She was chosen especially for me to see just how good a mum and daughter can be together. There’s no pressure. She’s her own person at 16 yrs old. Fights her own battles at school and has self confidence I never had at her age, nor have now. I still have my depression but that is MY demon to fight and not my daughter’s.
    She will achieve far more than me. I’m so proud I could share in shaping how she is today.

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    • October 26, 2017 at 10:41 pm

      Success is life’s sweetest revenge. Take my advice. Chasing love that wasn’t meant to be, will never ever come. It’s just exhausting, trying. Let the past go, as best you can. Create the loving relationships of your choosing. Don’t allow your crappy beginning hold you back from living. There are better people in the world, that will love you exactly as you are. They just aren’t easy to find. But something worthwhile, always takes work. I’m 50, and I’ll always be tormented by my past. So I don’t look back often. I focus on my future, and find the good in what I choose to surround myself with. You never have to worry about making the same mistakes. You have been programmed to avoid them, at all cost. You wouldn’t hurt so deeply, if you weren’t a sincerely great person. You feel, and you care, and you desire more. You are a giver. The best life has to offer others. If more people loved as you did, the world would be a better place.

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  • September 24, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    I have always felt unwanted because I was conceived on my parents wedding night. I was always referred as “our little premie”
    I suffered all kinds of abuse from my mother and others no wonder I have issues, and I am in counseling to learn healthy coping skills.

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    • April 9, 2019 at 5:45 am

      I was known as “my diaphragm baby”. I remember being told this as young as four…as if a child of that age should be told they were a birth control failure. She told me she didn’t want me, but she was “stuck with me”. I was told this story of my birth over and over again. “We didn’t want you. We were stuck with you”. My two older siblings were planned and have been tied to her apron strings ever since. She has sabotaged their adult relationships, so I guess…I’m lucky? I’ve been happily married for thirty years and have grown children and a grandchild. My siblings are still living at home. Sucks to be them, I guess.

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  • September 30, 2016 at 7:35 pm

    I was molested as a six year old. When I told my mom as an adult she replied that I had told her as a child and she told me to stay away from him. That was all she did. When I was a baby she said when she tried to rock me to sleep as a baby I didn’t fall asleep I just looked at her. She never rocked me again. When I walked for the first time she cried because I was now mobile. And so it went on.

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  • October 8, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Hi. I was born out of wedlock in the 60’s and was put up for adoption. My adoptive parents were abusive. My father sexually abused me and my mother verbally and physically. I never knew love but thought it was their way of showing that they loved me. Both parents have passed away and I made contact with my biological mother. In the first few letters she would often write that when we meet she will hold me and never want to let me go. As the years passed by she said that there will never be a meeting because I am a ‘secret’. It hurts and yet again I feel abandoned. As a result of all this I don’t open myself up to any relationship because I don’t know who to trust anymore. Life goes on and I am coping the best way I can.

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    • January 3, 2018 at 11:51 am

      Wedlock born in the 60’s…it was hell for me…my parents kept me…their secret was one of Avunculate. It’s where a woman has an affair or is raped by a male from her husbands family. My great aunt & uncle wanted to adopt me, but my mother would not allow it, as my “life would have been better” then hers. It was a game of torcher. She had several children before and after me…I was never treated good…on a continuous basis. I was called bastard by each…at one time or another…when it suited them. I finally found my voice…have confronted them…all of them claim they have never said such a thing and have no knowledge of anyone else having said anything to me. When my mother died I did not go to her funeral…I knew her sibling would act like an idiot. A big mouth…one of those wheeler dealer types that can’t be trusted…always has an agenda…would have caused more pain for the fun of it…along with the rest of the family…if I had been there. I was sexually abused…I told my mother. She said, “Oh, you are just trying to cause a divorce!” I was 10…had never thought to be sneaky…didn’t know how divorce worked…blackmail…no knowledge of at all. As far as your bio mom keeping it a secret, I am just the type that I would hunt the bio mom down and let her family know, because I’ve hated being the skeleton in the closet. Just wanted you to know you are not alone out here in this cruel world of immature, self-centered children in adult bodies. Best to you.

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  • July 9, 2019 at 6:11 pm

    My mother had an affair and gave birth to me in 1957. She cut off from my father before I was born and that was that. As she was ashamed of me being born ‘out of wedlock’ she left what little family she had and never saw them again. This meant I grew up without ANY family apart from her. I was never allowed to have friends in my home and there were no visitors because my mother was ashamed of our home. I lived in 2 rooms with her until the age of 10, sleeping in the same bed (which I hated the older I got). If I asked why we didn’t have carpet or TV or nice furniture she would say like a mantra “If it wasn’t for you”. As a child this hurt me deeply but if I cried she would mock me and laugh in my face. She did this her entire life. At the age of 28 with the encouragement of friends I summoned the courage to tell her she had never acknowledged my pain. She pushed her face into mine and said laughing “There’s something wrong with you”. I felt my 6 year old pain all over again. She died 28 years ago but I’m still dealing with the damage this relationship caused me. Wrong choices in friends/boyfriends and a constant feeling of profound lonliness. I am trying to heal now at the age of 62. I’m still trying to convince myself that I am loveable. Logically I know now I am but emotionally deep down I don’t see why anyone would really love me. My friends would disagree. I don’t know how to really love/let go and never trust anyones declaration of love even though I sound like I do at the time. My inner child was damaged in a major way and I’m trying to find my way back. I owe it to myself.

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  • November 16, 2019 at 2:34 am

    I was born the day my father graduated high school. I was blamed for standing in front of the door and crying the first time my father even tried to leave, blamed for all the years of abuse my mother suffered by a violent alcoholic. Now I’m almost 40 with a master degree, my own home, alone. Even they are not in my life after I couldn’t take my mother’s emotional outbursts anymore. She lied to my father and took him away. I’m been abandoned and abandoned in so many ways. I have a healthy and amazing man in my life right now, but he will tire of my chronic depression (trauma) eventually. I have never had children. I am doomed to have no family. Unwanted despite friends, clients, lovers, hobbies, education… bla bla bla. Unwanted is unwanted, birth to death.

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