7 thoughts on “Dealing with the Shame of Being an Unloved Daughter: Steps to Healing

  • August 19, 2019 at 11:54 pm

    Thank you for this. I was adopted & so was my brother. My brother was the favorite & always needed more attention due to the drug addiction that never ended. Growing up I was a burden on my mom. She constantly told me my birth mom didn’t want me & neither did she. She would tell me to go find my birth mom. I was told this almost every week from age 7 until now. It has never ended & im 22 now. She’s gotten so use to saying it that she will say it in front of a group of people & nobody ever says anything. They turn their head like nothing was said. Growing up I hated my mother. I was constantly being told you should love your parents they do so much for you. But little did they know she probably spit in my face & told me she didn’t love me 30 minutes before this. Making sure I knew to be “seen & not heard.”Well my dad was never really there & he wouldn’t get into my moms way when she got into that mode. She’s told me that she didn’t love me & that my brother was always loved more. I was constantly reminded that I was over weight just because I was blessed with some big boobies. It wasn’t until a few years ago I put on a lot of weight & realized that I was honestly never fat until now haha. My friends probably thought I was crazy when I told them I was fat & uncomfortable but we were the same size. My mom grew up with an eating disorder so I can see where she thought I needed to be smaller. Today I call her Sara & I will make it known to her that she has no power over my feelings. Even when people turn off their hearing I will make it known nothing about this is okay. It never will be.

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  • August 20, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    My mother was unloving so much to me but not to my brother.I have 6 kinds of brain damage from her and more,seizures,bipolar,and ptsd. She is still a toxin and a narcissistic person yet today and so is my brother. They still hold my epilepsy against me from childhood to today!!

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  • August 23, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    I am 53 years old and all of the descriptions of daughters of narcissistic mothers apply to me. I did end up married to a man that is like my mother. I so want to go N.C., but I just can’t get myself to do it. I was adopted by her at the age of 18 months and she has said many times that she should never have bothered to adopt me. She has a natural daughter that is 23 years older than me (my mother is 96 now) and she treats my sister just as badly. My sister is a functioning alcoholic and just a damaged by her. Blogs and groups in this community do help a lot. For many many years, I truly thought I was alone. So thank you.

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  • August 24, 2019 at 12:15 pm

    Peg
    I read Everything you write! A heartfelt thank you is in order. Your posts are meaningful and beneficial. They help to clarify and validate so much of what I feel as an unloved daughter.
    I have felt the pain in big ways and continue to do the healing work of creating boundaries and learning self compassion. When I was reading your post today this particular paragraph was especially rough for me.
    quote

    “Daughters need to stop telling themselves that their mothers’ behavior is a function of personality or even experiences; accountability is part of life.”

    The problem I have with this statement is that if an unloved daughter experiences a life growing up with a mentally ill mother, as I did, it is quite natural to fall into a caregiver role. The idea that accountability is part of life gets a little screwy here. I’m not sure you can accurately categorize a mentally ill mother to be accountable for her behavior as mental illness is as real an illness as a cancer diagnosis. The pain inflicted on her children is the same though. I’ve learned there is actually a spectrum of mental illness in all mothers as each and every one of us must face ourselves when becoming a parent. The trick, I suppose, is growing a healthy self awareness so you might not inflict your unresolved heart on your own children. Unfortunately, I have experienced the high end of that spectrum with a mother who is chronically depressed , treatment resistant, nurturingly unavailable and have been faced with assisting her through multiple psychiatric and medical admissions. I’ve had the responsibility of making decisions for her because she’s catatonic and having the medical team depend on me to advocate on her behalf. There needs to be a sensitivity and acknowledgement for those daughters who become with out much choice the caregivers to their sick mother. They have an extremely challenging job of sorting through all the difficult emotions of being unloved while concomitantly managing and mothering their mothers medical condition. In my opinion this situation warrants a different type of understanding and sensitivity in terms of accountability. In this case the unloved daughters must incorporate everything you speak about in terms of healing but it must include the truth that you are the caregiver …a heartfelt obligation. Accountability doesn’t apply in the same way here.
    It wasn’t until I was able to accept that she’s was in fact not accountable for her behavior that my healing began. I stopped trying to get something from a stone and started giving the missing pieces to myself. Each unloved daughters story is so much the same but I did feel the need to acknowledge the differences that those face when dealing with being the caregiver and at the same time being an unloved daughter.
    It’s all so painful non the less 💜

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    • August 24, 2019 at 12:31 pm

      Ruth, Thanks for your comment but I think it’s pretty evident that my broad statement doesn’t include mothers who have diagnosable mental illnesses or other health conditions that actively prevent them from mothering. The mothers I write about do not generally suffer from mental illness but are actively choosing to behave as they do. Best, Peg

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    • August 24, 2019 at 7:51 pm

      You described exactly what I am. An unloved daughter, with the job of caretaker to her mother. Also mentally deficient. I am 61 years old now and finally I see her for who she is. I make no excuses for her. She did awful things that she was aware were not right. She chose every time she spoke a nasty word, hit, ignored and played one against the other. At 92, she fights to live because she is afraid of death. I learned alot in growing up “backwards “. Thank God I meet my husband and his big loving family. They taught me true lessons of love, life and giving

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  • October 31, 2019 at 1:47 am

    I just found your page and I am definitely an unloved daughter- on the mend. I have been learning to separate myself from my mothers onslaught for years. I will be reading your books for sure. So glad I found you.

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