One thought on “SIbling Loss and the Unloved Daughter: The Cost of Speaking Up

  • May 21, 2019 at 8:42 pm

    Peg, thank you. I appreciate what you’ve done for the world, it has saved me personally and is an enormous part of my life’s story. I am so grateful you live. I am the scapegoat who is the most emotionally vulnerable and an easy mark. I can attest to something that may be comforting for some readers to hear: I lived an almost perfect and kind reaction to the childhood abuse and eventual adult decision to go no contact with an abusive mother (that I now believe Is a sadistic sociopath,) AND YET the 4 siblings STILL reacted to me like I’m a criminal and the worst sort of human being possible, all for holding the opinion that I was scapegoated by her and it hurt me and I had the right to walk away. It does not matter what mistakes you’ve made, if you speak out, dysfunctional family will destroy your reputation, your safety, your sanity, and your life, regardless. They will use any excuse to blame you but the reason they react so abusively is because they are choosing to abuse. I am proof that keeping my life together, esp as it would appear to an outside observer, and not doing anything to prove them right about being rebellious or a black sheep, and tactfully communicating my new boundary to end all contact after tyring a year of limited contact that only escalated her abuse towards me, and being able to appear strong and comfortable thru it all, does not earn any respect or credibility from siblings who are so thoroughly in denial. Denial is extremely powerful. And I’ve realized Zero of that can be blamed on me for some misdeed they tell themselves I’ve done. I think the truth is that any of them don’t want to take responsibility for their own happiness. They want to go along to get along. Which is why I think escaping an abusive family cult (thank you Lenora Thompson for writing about the similarity) takes incredible wisdom and courage to face things as they really are. And those of us who have stood up for ourselves against our abusers are amazing! I am not unmarred. I have c-ptsd. I have been suicidal. My life was unraveling faster AFTER I walked away from the hidden secret terrifying cult of that 5 member family. Even with the knowledge of knowing I believed it was the right thing to do, and knowing I never backslid and went back, not once. Any supposed ‘mistakes’ aren’t what makes it so devastating. It’s being innocently caught in a vicious invisible hell with no way out. It’s not your fault. You never deserved it. I got lucky. She never tightened her grip by pulling me out public schooling. I had a secret mentor early on even tho that person only knew the myth that completely blamed the divorced father for the family dysfunction. But that mentor alerted me to the potential of me repeating abuse thru relationships and warned me about the lure of drugs to deal with life and it’s ultimate devastation. That person spoke of therapy which helped fight the stigma it had 25+ years ago, and still. I hope I heal. I hope we find each other one day, those of you, daughters and sons, who have hurt and suffered and know how bad the pain is to be gentle in nature and be scapegoated, esp if you finally broke. I have had on our fridge for 2 years now these comforting reminders from another article Peg wrote. Type them up if you think it might help, keep them in your day. Try believing you’re good even if you’ve made mistakes and try believing it’s always worthwhile to strive and fail and keep striving to be your better self. It’s a soul shattering experience to go thru this kind of hell in childhood and longer. You didn’t do anything to help create it. It existed before you were born into it. I’m so sorry. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2017/04/surviving-the-hypercritical-mother-5-things-to-remember/

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