6 thoughts on “Mom: The Most Powerful Person In A Daughter’s World

  • January 6, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    I was so lucky to have a good mother. Even though today, I doubt she would have made the choice to full time mother, she did a great job and forged great bonds. I’ll look forward to more.

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  • January 6, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    My mom was and is a wonderful mom and lady–AND she made a few SERIOUS mistakes. One in particular has caused me much distress and that is, she stayed with my former stepfather after I was finally able to tell her he was sexually abusing me and had been for years. She said she believed me but staying with him for an additional 12 years because “I don’t know what to do… I have no money of my own and have two younger kids to raise” and then falling into depression and denial sent me a very different message!
    We always got along great, she was and is kind, gentle, loving and has a wonderful sense of humor. She is 75 now and has survived lung cancer–the 5 year mark is coming up in June. She apologized for past mistakes but I never got the sense that she understood the damage done by her inaction. Nor does she get the impact of abuse! For so long (almost my entire life) I have been the mom in the relationship so in my case anyway, “knotted” is definitely the right way to describe the relationship!
    Thanks!

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    • January 6, 2016 at 7:13 pm

      Dear Velveteen ( I do so love the name you have chosen), You show great empathy but I understand your ambivalence as well. I’m a layperson, neither a therapist nor a psychologist, so what I express is only my opinion, informed by research and discussions with literally hundreds of women. So I ask this: Could she have left him without harming her other children? I have spoken to numerous women who were sexually abused within the “family” (I put it in quotes to include stepparents/lovers) but whose mothers never acknowledged it at all. So, as a layperson, I ask you this: What do you want from her? More acknowledgment? Have you explained the damage done and how you don’t want to be the “mother?” You actually sound, believe it or not, that you are in a place where you can heal the mother bond. You love her and it sounds as though she loves you. I am hopeful the two of you can work it out and, frankly, most of the time, the comments don’t begin with the words ” My mom was and is a wonderful mom.” I grant these are hard to forgive mistakes and you should seek counseling for help in recovering from them but I am hopeful you and your mother can become the two women you both want to be.

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  • January 7, 2016 at 12:38 am

    Dear Peg,
    You have given me hope–despite not being a therapist, lol, so I thank you for that! While it is true that I am good with compassion and empathy, I have NEVER been good at expressing my pain with family (“mother” figures don’t burden their “child” with such adult things and truth be told it is uncomfortable for me to even think about!) and also, I’ve never been aware of feeling anger or resentment over what was lacking–until recently! So perhaps I painted a picture that is a bit too rose-hued… Sorry about that. She was and is a good person and a good mom but the deficits are there and sometimes loom larger than I’d like.
    For instance, up until recently, she would go visit my half brother in his home (which he shares with his elderly father, the man who abused me) and she would expect me to go visit my brother with her. When I’d say that I didn’t want to visit at that home due to him being there, she’d say “I understand but I don’t go there to see him. I go there to see my son.” Still, it is bothersome to me as I can’t imagine going to visit ANYONE if the person who abused my daughter lived there too! Oh, and this past Christmas she again bought him a gift (my abuser) so he would have something to open and not feel left out. Thank God for therapists, lol!

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  • January 7, 2016 at 6:23 am

    I had an hypercritical mother. I had a strong sense of belonging to school where all my friends were and where teachers were kind to me. I liked how they would tell you the rules so you didn’t inadvertently break one all the time and trigger a crisis. I also liked how they always told you good things when you performed. You got 88% right with a cute sticker felt better the than you never do anything right that I got at home.

    In the end, I built self confidence from there. Paying my own way through school although financially and socially isolating due to lack of fund for fun showed me that I can make anything happened. When I see 30 and 40 years old that still have debt, I know that having it hard from the beginning is what saved me later.

    I have taken responsibility for my life earlier on. I don’t confuse my wants with my needs and having to build strong boundaries with my mom, to the point of no contact, means that I know how to prevent others from walking all over me.

    Having a bad mother can open the door to great oppotunities. And seeing these opportunities is a great way to heal.

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  • January 7, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    My mother should have pinned a note on me at the age of 2 and said “take care of this kid”. Perhaps then I would have had a real opportunity to get someone else who cared enough about my health and well being. Instead I was bragged about to others of how “independent” I was at a young age.
    Knotted and adrift until now…forever dealing with the damage my mother inflicted to harmless child. All to do now is forgive that child for not having any power or control to get out of that life. No ability to pin a note on myself “please take me home and be kind to me”

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