6 thoughts on “Recovering from Your Narcissistic Mother: Seeing the 6 Effects

  • January 9, 2018 at 6:54 pm

    Not until this past year did I see the light. Once I stated reading your work. My mother has been deceased since 2007, I’m 62. I

    My problem all my life was my fear of failure . Mom had zero expectations of my brother or I. She feed us, clothed us and put a roof over our head. That was pretty much it. I look back now and grieve for what maybe I could have been or done. I grieve for my brother who was an alcoholic and lost his battle before he was 40. And I grieve for my Daddy, it could never have been easy for him.
    At least now why I never had that maternal instinct all my friends had. OMG, what a battle she would have put me through to prove to me my child would love her best, love her more. Two failed marriages now my life with my husband of 25 years is like roommates. Oh I’m rambling and stumbling over my words,when all I want to say was thanks. I’m not crazy!
    ,

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    • July 10, 2018 at 12:07 pm

      hello! i totally get it! after this authors book also check out “You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother”. extremely informative accurate and validating! best wishes from a fellow sufferer! enjoy life on your own terms from now on, its time!

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  • February 16, 2018 at 10:50 pm

    The line: “Third is the lesson that you don’t matter except as an extension or reflection of someone else.” is extremely powerful for me. I can’t recall my mom ever asking me how I felt about something…anything. She only asked how others felt. Mostly my husband. The husband she pushed me into marrying at 18. When I finally escaped at age 25 I remember telling people that I didn’t know how to feel, or think. I felt as if everyone in the world had a rule book to life except me. I had absolutely no idea how to even BE. I had no clue how to live, how to think, how to feel, what to do because suddenly I was free of their commands and I had been taught to never trust my own mind. After always trying to explain myself against my mom’s system of beliefs she would get fed up and yell “OH, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU FEEL” or “OH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU THINK” and dismiss me completely. The level of contempt in her eyes when she looked at me cannot be expressed enough. No child should ever have to see that in their parents eyes. You know very well that they hate your guts. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to create my own playbook through trial and error. It’s been a long, slow, very painful process, but I do have a good life now with a loving husband and son. At nearly 50 years old I can finally see clearly how deeply disturbed she is and no longer have any desire to have more than a polite relationship with her because I can FINALLY admit that I don’t really like her either lol, and don’t care to be around her. I couldn’t accept that before because I felt too guilty. I used to imagine us going to therapy together and working through things and having a close relationship…now I accept that it’s her illness. Not mine. I’ve done enough work trying to have a normal relationship with a mother who began telling me at the tender age of 9 that she didn’t like me. The feeling is finally mutual

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    • February 17, 2018 at 5:43 am

      I am so sorry that this was your experience. I would just say that going no contact doesn’t free you from the effects; that will take work. Best, Peg

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  • April 6, 2018 at 5:26 pm

    The clip at the very top of the page was exactly how my family looked. I am now in my 50’s, have only been married once (and divorced – Surprise! To a raging narcissist!) and do not think any man will ever ‘pick me’ because I am now overweight. Earlier in life I suffered from an eating disorder (bulimia) because from the age of 3, I was told I was fat and that “no one loves a fat girl”; “you will never have anyone if you are a fat girl”, etc. Even when I was thin she told me I was fat ant that I had a big butt. She was relentless.

    I made straight A’s (of course)…my brother (18 months younger) was a star golfer and the amateur champion of the State of Florida, and my sister was the social butterfly who dated the son of the wealthiest divorce attorney in Palm Beach (were we grew up). But we were constantly compared to each other – my sister, who made B’s and C’s grew up thinking she was ‘stupid’ and was jealous of me because she was constantly questioned about why she could not make good grades like me. I was made to feel like the ugly duckling whose only redeeming quality was my grades, because I was fat (I really wasn’t, if I look at the photos now that is apparent) and could never attract a wealthy, high quality Jewish boy like my sister. My brother was told he was lazy because he liked playing golf so much..and that she certainly did not expect any grandchildren from HIM. Later, he also drank too much.

    My sister was tougher than me I guess, and figured out at an early age that trying to get love or compassion or even a listening ear from our mother was like trying to get blood from a turnip, and I suppose learned to look elsewhere. I was much more sensitive though and believed the party line: that I was a fat ugly loser who no one would ever love…and I continued trying to earn her approval well into my 30’s before a therapist gave me a list of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder and told me that it was not ME, it was HER…and that she was broken and was not capable of loving anyone.

    That helped with my mother herself. I stopped expecting anything from her. She died in Feb of 2012 and I didn’t even attend her funeral. I didn’t shed a tear and do not miss her in the slightest. Three hours after her death, my sister and I were talking on the phone and she commented that I was lucky because I live very far away and therefore had an excuse to skip the funeral, while she was expected to show up, and worse, had to think of something nice to say. We couldn’t think of a single thing.

    However, even though I stopped expecting anything from her and she is now dead anyway, the patterns were set long ago…and to this day I struggle greatly every day, constantly looking for others approval because my best is not worth a plug nickel unless it is validated by someone else – a man…my boss…etc. I go to a psychiatrist who I adore and who is a very kind man – I have been going to him for 2 years and bless his heart, he must be so tired of having the same conversations over and over…but he is not giving up, and I need his kindness and encouragement so very much.

    It is so hard to get past this, because it pervaded my entire life. I have not had a relationship with a man in 12 years and although my girlfriends encourage me to join a dating site, I refuse to do so because ‘no one would pick me anyway’…and I don’t want to go through that humiliation.

    I am VERY book smart to this day: IQ of 136, very well read and well traveled (been all over the world by myself since I’ve never really had anyone), and have many hobbies and interests. And yet, I would trade it ALL in to be better at LIFE. Being smart – the one thing I was good at – as it turns out means nothing if one has zero self esteem and absolutely no clue as to how to get anything they want in life.

    I hope that one day, I can get past this. It is now too late for me to have children and I am angry at myself for being so ugly that I was not able to remarry. This is of course exactly what my mother would probably say…and I’m filling in for her in her absence STILL. My doctor says my mother is still torturing me…and here we are, 6 years after her death.

    I know objectively in my head (because everyone tells me) that these ‘tapes’ are harmful to me and I need to stop. And I need to learn how to be my own best person, stop comparing myself with everyone else, and be happy with my own best efforts. But although everyone tells me that I should not care about other people’s approval…I can’t seem to stop caring…and deep down in my heart of hearts, despite what my doctor and friends say, I still don’t REALLY believe it is anything other than your own vanity to believe you are smart or pretty, or a good employee, etc. It only really means something if an objective third party (a man, a boss) TELLS you that.

    I am on antidepressants and an ADD med (Vyvance), and I go to my therapist every other week. I also meditate: guided meditations on self-love and overcoming depression. I do my hobbies (knitting, reading). I go to work, to my doctor, to the knitting store to sit with the ladies, and occasionally out with one or two of my girlfriends – happy hour, shopping or something like that. Outside of that, I have taken to my house and my three dogs, who are always happy to see me and who love me regardless of that fact that I am not perfect. I know this is not healthy and my friends tell me that I am hiding…but it feels more ‘safe’ than anything else to me. I am only truly peaceful now when I am in my bedroom bundled up in my bed with my knitting, an good book and my dogs.

    What else can I do? I don’t want to take up hobbies I have no genuine interest in, simply to meet people. But I know that I am on the path to becoming a recluse.

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    • July 10, 2018 at 12:15 pm

      hello, keep going to counseling, that should help in time. they took fifty ir more years to screw us up so give yourself time to heal. Your story is like looking in a mirror. please do not feel alone. we all understand. another good book to get is “You’re Not Crazy Its Your Mother” explains a lot and very validating/reassuring. do not date until you feel youve worked thru things sufficiently bc we have a habit of picking narc men as partners reestablishing the old pattern. so read this authors book and the one i mentioned. search on FB for DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSITIC MOM groups and other narc pages. ot is work to relearn life as it was meant to be but it can be done once you are aware of the problem abd you are so you are on the way. allow yourself to grieve: not for her, but for the mother you should have had and were entitled to. its upsetting that we were gypped. but we have the power as adults to resolve issues and recover. remember, this is YOUR life and YOU are the main character! dont let her crowd you out! hugs!

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