45 thoughts on “Unloved Daughters and The Code of Silence

  • February 4, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    I have always thought I was alone in this! I have never spoke of my childhood and the lack of love, attention or acceptance. My mother was/ is a hateful selfish woman. Even still at the age of 40 i still hope that one day something will change and I will finally be good enough for her to love! (Literally the first time I have written or shared this)

    • February 5, 2016 at 7:30 am

      That hopefulness is pretty typical of unloved daughters and very destructive in truth. It has to do with the hardwiring of the brain; we are literally hardwired to want and need our mothers’ approval, attention, and love. Unfortunately, that unconscious process co-exists with our rational understanding that we will never get what we want. I call it “going back to the well” and we do it, even though we understand on some level that the well is dry. It’s the source of great self-doubt and unhappiness. But doesn’t it feel good to finally break the silence and know that you aren’t the only one? All best, Peg

    • April 28, 2016 at 11:36 am

      This is something I didn’t wake up to until my own daughter was 6 years old and I at the age of 34. It’s pretty eye opening to see and traumatic when you finally become aware. My M has stage 4 breast cancer and she is more unloving than ever. You would think something like having a cancer that could kill you would change you for the better, realizing how precious life is and all. Nope not an unloving M. They are more likely to act in ways that not only hurt you, but hurt your children and your life in general. My M testified in a courtroom last year against me as my ex tried to remove my, now 7 year old, daughter from my life. They worked together to try to accomplish this. It only takes one unloving mother to harm and potentially destroy several lives, it’s no coincidence these unloved daughters become the target for all the M’s jealousy, hate, and need for complete obedience and admiration. Get in line or you will suffer the consequences, this is an unloving mother’s agenda.

  • February 4, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    Thanks again for this read. I am 50 years old, a mother myself of 2 amazing young adult children. I do believe the worst years of this affliction are now behind me, partly because my kids are grown, partly because I am more aware of how many of us are out here, and partly becsuse all the years I spent in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Though I do still struggle, in all relationships to some extent because of my history, perhaps more than any other, the relationship with myself is the one most affected and the one I find the need to continue to nurture. I worked very hard raising my own children, so not to repeat the hurtful and damaging things my own mother subjected me to. I find it interesting that you mention friendships during the growing up years, having no idea about the experiences of this issue. I was fearful of friends over as I never knew what may errupt or how I would be embarassed. eith my own children even today when I mention a certain childhood experience that was especially painful to me, my children cant grasp or comprehend the negativity, and will often comment that grandmother is such a sweet old lady, you must be exaggerating! I hope that I have been able to dismantle this legacy in my own family and it has taken me tremendous effort, energy and focus, which in many ways also kept me from engaging in other interests and developing other areas of my life. I often think about what if……what if I didnt have to struggle with this in my life, what could I have accomplished.

    • February 5, 2016 at 7:24 am

      Thank you for your heartfelt and open comment. Your description is familiar to me, both because of my own experiences and those of many other women. I understand the question you pose but you have accomplished a lot and at the age of fifty, with young adult children, there is still time to do more. All best, Peg

  • February 4, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    And a (very) Dutch mother too. Huh.

    • February 5, 2016 at 7:26 am

      Margaret, Your mother was Dutch too? I actually had two Dutch parents and my mother always spoke Dutch to me. Mind you, the content of what she had to say would have been just as damaging in English! Best, Peg

  • February 5, 2016 at 10:12 am

    My mother had 5 children. I was the only girl. But as she told other people she only had boys. Even when I had two daughters of my own she would comment at family gatherings how she had raised only boys. The most hurtful moment for me, of the many, many moments, was when we an my Aunt’s open house. My cousins were there and I was sitting across from my mother in the living room when she announced to my cousins that my sister-in-law was the daughter she never had. I was stunned. At the ripe age of 18, wearing a dress (which I seldom did)looking as much like a daughter as I ever had, she announces that she never had a daughter. I remember how everyone just turned and looked at me in disbelief. I had never had a conversation about anything with my mother, ever. When she would phone to talk to me I would tune her out, it was safer that way. When she died I cried. I mourned the loss of what I never had. I always felt unlovable. I vowed that I would raise my daughters the opposite of how I was raised. I think I have done a pretty good job – that’s my hope.

    • February 5, 2016 at 10:20 am

      Sheila, Now THAT is one dreadful story. YIKES. Poor you.I’ve heard many dismissive mother stories–daughters saying they weren’t hungry and having their mothers heap food in front of them, or asking the daughter what she wants to do and then acting as though the child never spoke–but YOURS takes the cake. I hope you fully realize this had nothing at all to with you. A hug to that little girl in there. YIKES. Best, Peg

    • September 24, 2016 at 12:44 pm

      You’re already did , proud of you .

  • February 5, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Thankfully, my mother didn’t have malicious intent. lol. Many years later I confronted her about what she said and she denied it. “How could I have said something like that, I have loved you since the day we brought you home from the hospital.” But she continued her mindless digs through the years always referencing that she raised all boys.
    I tried to rewrite that scene in my mind – playing it out that she was telling people that Sheila is the best daughter she could ever have. I played that over in my head endlessly in an attempt to undo the original. But the original version keeps coming up.

  • February 5, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    I am so grateful for this dialogue. There is a certain shame that invades the entire being of a girl unloved by her mother — it coats the soul like tar. My own mother actively despised me from the moment she learned she was pregnant. There were many factors at play, including the fact that I was conceived only nine months after my older sibling was born; my mother’s incipient alcoholism, and her discovery of an affair my father was having while she was pregnant with me. Long story short, she abused me violently from my toddlerhood until I was about fourteen. We never bonded — I was two months premature in the late 1950s, and medically isolated for the first three months of my life. ~ She often told me that I was “rotten to the core” … and once forced my face into a pile of cat feces that was in the corner of my bedroom — somehow it was my fault that the cat had pooped there. She hit me so many times on the head and the face that I live with permanent brain injuries. I also live with a rage that does not abate, despite years (decades) of psychotherapy, training and a professional life as a therapist (I am now functionally disabled and no longer able to work) … and I have been loved to the core by a few people who understood the wound I lived with … including another woman who caught my mother trying to choke me to death with a scarf when I was six, and by a mentor, a man, who survived his childhood in WWII by joining an underground resistance movement in Austria when he was nine.~ I came to understand, and to forgive my mother; at her deathbed, I was completely present and fearless. Even as she lay in a coma, her body retracted from my touch. Later in her life, though, she tried to amend with me. She once told me, about four months before she died, that she found me “so serene and easy to be with.” I nearly fainted. She was so wounded herself … I forgave her, but still cannot forgive myself for the crime of existing. I have not had children; I was sure that I would injure them. The older I get, the more I mourn this loss. ~ The bond between mother and child is the basis for every subsequent relationship that we enter into … and my conscious driving forces are love and mercy. Unconsciously, I still despise myself. It is the worst shame to live with. No one knows how I injure myself. It takes almost all my vitality to stay sane as I carry the curse; there seems to be no way to be freed from it. I weep now with gratitude to know that people like you, Peg, are addressing this wound … and my whole heart goes out to every daughter who was unloved in this way.

  • February 5, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    Dear feeling cursed.
    I hope at some point you find peace. You are carrying an unbelievable amount of pain. No person should be subjected to that kind of treatment at any age.
    Sadly, that is not the reality. I know that there are too many similar stories. I have read them.
    May you find the place in your heart to heal that baby girl.
    I try visualization practices to give my younger self the love she never had.

  • February 6, 2016 at 12:25 am

    I have lived through all the scenarios described but the cause of my unhappiness and unwantedness was my father. Fathers are meant to adore their little girls…mine didn’t.
    It was only after his death that I discovered that I was born before the parents were married and so I believe he blamed me. My mother was very passive…a peace keeper.

  • February 8, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    What do you think of a mother who leaves her teenager to go live with a man three states over and does not even spend Christmas with her. She is starting over with the mans 4 year old child.

    • February 9, 2016 at 8:33 am

      What do I think of her as a child’s advocate? Very little. The words “despicable,” “selfish beyond belief,” “cruel,” “uncaring,” “irresponsible,” “blameworthy”come to mind, among others. I hope her daughter is surrounded by other people who love her and that she’s given the opportunity to see a therapist so she can realize this is not her fault or even about her. UGH.

  • February 11, 2016 at 1:21 am

    My mother never “liked” me. I became aware of this very early in life. My defense wa to latch tightly onto my Daddy. Thank God for him.
    As I got older I became as dismissive to her as she was to me. Oh, I am the second of three girls. My mother showed obvious favoritism to my sisters.
    One incident she embarrassed me at work and I had enough, I asked her “why do always loud talk me in public “? She looked shocked I don’t do that. From that day I never allowed her to that to me.
    That’s only one of the many, many damaging things she did.
    When she passed I “acted” sad because that’s what daughter’s do.
    I will say I have 32 yo daughter and we have a good relationship. Unfortunately my sisters and I don’t.

  • February 11, 2016 at 4:08 am

    I thought my family was normal. I was an accidental baby and only child. My parents were 40. My mother was angry at me from the moment she knew I existed and was sure I would come between her and my father. She was never physically violent with me, but I learned from her that I was unlovable and unworthy and if I said or did something that she perceived as competing with her, she found ways to minimize it. I remember trying to read her a poem I had written and she just walked out of the room as if I didn’t exist. I can still see her retreating back . . . My father–he was the suitor she settled for–she had had her eye on someone with a more prestigious career, so he tried terribly hard to be good enough, and that meant supporting her no matter how mean she was with me.
    Because there was no overt abuse or neglect (we looked good, I got ballet classes and nice middle-class schools) I had no idea that there was anything wrong with how I was raised. I’m 67 now, and never married or had children, although I wanted to. I am still invisible as a woman. I suppose it’s just as well I didn’t have kids, as I would have raised them as I was raised and had no idea that love was missing. Years and years of therapy were still not enough to let me be seen or loved.

  • February 11, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    For me, the dismissive, abusive parents I had were my normal. I don’t remember giving them a lot of thought since I was occupied with trying to survive and fit in. It wasn’t until my postpartum issues forced me to get help that I could see how dysfunctional my upbringing was.

    • February 11, 2016 at 1:58 pm

      Yes, Grace. Children accept their circumstances as “normal” and keep it to themselves. It seems to be a universal with an unloving parent or parents and,as I know believe, as damaging as the lack of love and attunement.

  • February 18, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    I stumbled on this blog last night and just re-read it again today. I am so sorry for all of us that have lived/continue to live with our toxic mothers. I am currently in therapy and my wonderful therapist is always trying to help me disengage from the hurtful things my mother does, but I, the youngest of 5 children…a BIG accident (my oldest sibling is 17 years older)…I have so wanted to have that love from my mother that 9 years ago I moved my parents in with me in an effort to be the good, caring daughter – and I have taken good care of them! However, just today I went downstairs and told my mother I need her to stop…she is calling me or my children (aged 18 & 20) on a daily basis accusing us of talking about her (she says she can hear us through the vents)…I told her the accusations need to stop. I have to say I am feeling good about being strong and telling her this, but I also know it won’t change anything. She’ll be cold and aloof and give us all the evil eye and tell my siblings how awful I am. When I think of what I have subjected my kids to over the last 10 years I feel so guilty. My kids and I have a great relationship and they have told her off and asked her why she treats me so badly before – but that isn’t a kid’s place. I never wanted them to go through those kind of things and I’m afraid I put them in a horrible situation (I was a single mom when we all moved in together and it made sense as I could be there for my aging parents and they could help with my elementary school aged kids) Anyway…I am all over the place I know. Just nice to “talk” where there are others who understand. My therapist constantly tells me I have been abused. I have a hard time with that because I feel like I have so much more than so many people. I was not physically harmed ever. I always had a sense of security and knew that my dad loved me. I just have always known that I will never be good enough for my mom. Doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do – she will find a way to criticize. And I screwed myself by bringing her into my home and continuing to subject myself to her crap on a daily basis…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

  • March 20, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    I find it downright frightening on how many unloved daughters there really are. I seem to be a second generation unloved daughter as is my own mother in law, whom I love dearly.
    Growing up, I remember being always scared of my mother, especially when I was under 10 years. I never knew which side of my mother would show up when I would ask a simple question or accidently spill water. Was it the gentle speaker or the irate devil? It seemed the only thing she appreciated was how well I did in school. Naturally I was always in the 90’s/A’s to speak her approval. As I aged, I did my best to simply avoid her.

    As I got older, I realized that my sister, who was 5 years younger, was getting the same treatment. Only I think my mother didn’t seem to really care how well she did in school, or how well she did anything really. My brother always seemed to get the better treatment, being the first born and all, but later on I found out he wasn’t exactly excluded but didn’t receive it as harshly.
    To this day, she’s has never recounted anything she has done or apologized for any of it. Not for the hateful notes she would leave on my bedroom door telling me how much she despised me and hoped I would move out(I did at 19), how she lied to my father about the time I called 911 as she become physically abusive when I was 18. How she completely ignored my 16th birthday. How she blamed me for losing control of her car on ice going downhill, ultimately damaging it. But she did the same thing days later and she finally changed the tires on the car and laughed about it. Stomping her feet everywhere in the house, yelled at everything, I still remember sitting on our basement stairs and my mother telling my aunt about how much we ruined her life. Once I did move out, she didn’t bother to contact me for 6 month, and only then it was because her father wanted to visit me. Again, she acted like she wasn’t in a drunk, retarted stupor the night I did move out and fought with my boyfriend(now husband) at the time about what a disgrace I was. It would take days to talk about all the things she has done. A can also feel my blood pressure going awry at the moment.

    Her fake and annoying presence out in public, lies, taking badly about my brother and sister to me, how she wished she could give my sister up for adoption, and my brother’s wife is terrible for him. God, it never ends!!
    To this day, our relationship is tainted and non existent. Thankfully, I live 5000km away and don’t have to be near her. My two boys won’t be privy to her antics. I mostly forget about her, but evey once in a while, thoughts of her will sneak up and ruin my day, as it would for anybody. I’m thankful that I have a husband who has seen how insane she can be and can explain her better than I ever could. For that I am grateful.

  • April 28, 2016 at 10:07 am

    I want to expand on #6 – For me the issue has not been that I was not believed, it is that my Mother worked so hard to cultivate a certain public image as a good, caring mother, so any complaints I have must be disrespectful, disgruntled and ungrateful. She did a lot of things that make her look outwardly like a good mother, but the verbal and emotional abuse behind the scenes is the true problem. Thanks Peg Streep for articles like this.

    Unfortunately, we live in a society that belittles victims and complainers as weaklings, so Ive adopted a more callous attitude to get along better with others. Sad but its made me stronger.

  • April 28, 2016 at 10:10 am

    what a pity…………. i thought

  • May 9, 2016 at 4:08 am

    I grew up in a lot of pain as I came to grips with the reality that my mother didn’t love me. By the time I was 40, though, I found it easier to just be away from her. With the support of older women from my church, I found the strength to tell her, point-blank, that she had to mend her ways if she wanted a relationship with me. She didn’t speak to me for two years, and I was so amazed at the liberty and happiness I felt away from her that I sometimes felt guilty. She finally began a distant relationship with me, which we both knew would never amount to anything more than cards sent to each other on holidays. When she died, I was sad that I felt nothing except a sharp dismay over how she had wasted her life. I was also able to realize that I wasn’t the only person she didn’t love, and I realized that she had spent her life always trying to “trade up” in her relationships to get something better than what she had. I think she was a foolish woman, and whatever happens to me, I just don’t want to live my life as she lived hers. I have a lot of issues leftover from my crazy childhood, but if I can just be kind, I think I will win at the game of life.

  • May 9, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Thank you for sharing,
    I also thiught that im the only one. i am a mother of five and with every child i realized im hating her more. i could not smack my daughter and tell her that she is a b….. I am the only child and i was all alone with my pain and suffering. i had my first suicide attempt at 17. i felt all alone. she is still around me and all the guit trips are still present in my life. i hope that one day ill be free of her.

  • May 9, 2016 at 7:20 pm

    As the only daughter, I was left to feel unwanted, unlovable and nothing I could do to please my mother my younger brother was her world and obvious favorite. She would tell me ‘ you will have the daughter I was meant to have’ I was treated like Cinderella every weekend I cleaned the whole house. I scrubbed bathroom floors, vacuumed, buffed. Ironed sheets, underwear everything. I was never pretty enough thin enough smart enough. I was happy when my mother passed. My father was extremely abusive. He actually told me I caused her death by not excepting her. I married both my parents had 3 children. Divorced my abusive husband and married a gem

  • May 10, 2016 at 7:45 am

    #6! I try to explain why I am the way I am, but other women, especially older women or women with children will say; “oh you’ll feel differently when you’re older, when you have children you’ll see how it really was” NO! I see how it is now, I was there. See I CAN be objective to see how it is and isn’t. You weren’t there, don’t tell me how it was. I hate that undertone of condescension that hangs there in the air, it makes me want to scream.

    • May 10, 2016 at 7:47 am

      I honestly don’t blame you for the scream part… People don’t want to hear because they desperately want to believe in one kind of immutable love. They know that love is hard to find, harder to hang on, and maternal love is the last great hope….

  • May 10, 2016 at 8:09 pm

    My mother is a whole different person now than she was, and different to others than she is privately ,to me. I was “disgusting”, no one liked me, I was a “devil”… now those words play in my head, and I’m suffering at the hands of a malignant, narcissistic husband. All because at the core I have no self-worth, no identity, and suffer from mental illness galore. Thank you for starting and continuing this conversation.

  • May 12, 2016 at 11:29 am

    I’m the daughter of a narcissist mother. She had the outside show of elegance and perfection. She craved being center of attention. She had one golden child and one child who wasn’t pretty enough or outgoing enough to reflect well on her, and that unfortunate child was me. As a child and adolescent I knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it–but I was pretty darn certain it was all my fault for not being enough. Recently I have been seeing my childhood through new eyes. I have NO recollection of my mother ever comforting me, either physically or verbally. Her modus operandi was to make a bad situations even more painful with some finger pointing comments about my failings causing the situation in the first place. I was a top student. She NEVER said anything to me about that. I had lots of friends. She made mean comments about every one of them, every time I spoke with one of them or went out with one of them. Six months ago, after a great career at a large multinational company, raising three kids with love and compassion (and who love me ferociously) and being a hands on adoring grandma to three little ones, she called me a “stupid woman”. Enough. I called her on it. She’s now on a “scorch and burn” campaign against me. Fine. Go for it. I’m over it. I did nothing wrong. I was better to her than she was to me. I know it. My kids know it, and now that I am talking about it I am finding my friends know it too.

  • May 14, 2016 at 10:01 am

    This is my first time saying these words. Dang, I feel tears coming before they even come out. I’m 57, I’m just now facing the fact that my mother hates me and always has. I remember as a child hearing my birth was a disaster, her worse experience ever, the only thing I had going for me was my hair, if I cut it I would be ugly. I finally cut out the communications with her when I was 50. I had heard so much ugly talk , you’re not in my will and your not my child. She put us in an orphanage until I was three from 6 months old. Aren’t those the most important bonding nurturing years? At 50 I gave up 9 weeks of my life to live with her and help her heal from surgery. Instead of thankfulness I heard for years all the things I should have done better. I give up. I’ve gone through 5 bad marriages craving someone to fill the gasping hole in my heart. This last husband cheated so many times it crushed me. But…the good part is I took off a whole year after to heal from my depression and found deep inside me a very serious abandonment issue. Low self esteem, not feeling worthy of anything, not feeling good at anything. Zero life skills, a failure. Even let down my four children whom I totally adore. I let them down so many times. I question my worth. Why am I here? I look in my grandchildrens eyes and I know why. I see the love. I see the joy.
    I’ve been jumping from one man to another looking for love, family. Feeling like I fit in. I’ve drank myself to almost death hoping it would take away the hurt inside.
    I’m on a sabbatical from men and alcohol. At 57 I’m trying to find healing. I’m reading a sacred Romance about seeing how to accept Gods love. My counselor says I’m still that three yr old inside still begging for the Disney Prince to take me away and make the hurt stop. I want to make a difference. I want to stop hurting. I want to finally listen to God and see where He wants me. Because I cannot do this alone. I fail at everything I tough. God is my answer. I don’t always believe Him but I’m trying to. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
    Melodie 2016 May

  • July 10, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Thankyou Peg. I love your posts. They make my life make sense. I had a friend tell me the exact thing you had in your post, that my life couldn’t have been so bad because I turned out just fine. What they don’t know is that the me they see is not the real me. I pretend to be someone I am not. I try to be what everyone wants me to be. Sometimes even I don’t know the real me anymore. That has been my challenge now, discovering who I really am. Thanks again for your posts. I feel like I have found my tribe.

    • July 10, 2016 at 3:58 pm

      Carol, I hear the “it couldn’t have been so bad since you turned out fine” from strangers all the time. They also call me a whiner and a narcissist. They remind me why I write…:) Best, Peg

  • July 13, 2016 at 10:33 am

    I too had an unloving mother who was dismissive and critical. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this. I do, however, have one little nitpick. Witches can be beautiful, and they have the same rates of goodness/evil as the rest of the population. The idea of a witch being the archetypal evil female is the result of patriarchal demonization of the feminine over the course of centuries. Ideally women would stop perpetuating this particular myth.

    • July 13, 2016 at 10:38 am

      Katie, My first book was called Sanctuaries of the Goddess so, no, it’s a turn of phrase, not a cheer for the patriarchy. It was a nitpick…Best, Peg

  • August 25, 2016 at 9:46 am

    I’m now 27 and the abuse my mother did was horrendous. Not only was I physically, mentally and verbally abused, but my mother would tell you herself that she “never bonded with me”. My heart breaks just thinking about this. all my life I’ve fought for her to love me, thinking if I did exactly what she wanted me to, then she’d love me. Or that she’d give me the time of day. She makes me so confused. If I bring anything up or try to talk to her about our relationship then I am ” bringing up the bad stuff” which is all I ever do, apparently. I still talk to her, I’m still trying to make her love me, but I can’t. My attempts at even seeing her are all in vain. She doesn’t have the time, her days are all planned out. All planned out, excluding me from any activity that I could easily be invited as well. Just being in her presence makes my heart beat faster, she makes me anxious, nervous for whatever might slip out of her over- judgemental, filter-free mouth. Even the sound of my breathing is too much for my mother, sends her over the edge. So in her presence Im constantly paranoid that I’m breathing too loud, or talking too loud, or existing too loud. It’s hard. It’s hard because she acts like she wants to be a good mother, but then always fails me. I see her love for my brother, and their bond, and the trust and love he has for her. This makes everything even harder. I hope to find one day that I can be free from the restraints. Free from the negativity. I know deep in my heart that nothing with my mother will ever be like the movies, and I’ll probably never win her over. So it’s time for me to take my life back, and live for what makes me happy. Not trying to please my mom anymore.

    • September 24, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Bravo !!!! my hats off to you

  • August 25, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    I would like to say to every unloved daughter here that I am so glad that you all survived your mothers. Every single woman here who have shared their story show such amazing strength and resiliency in the face of such disgusting treatment by the one person who should have been our champion, our protector, our hero.
    I applaud you all and thank you for sharing your history. It does help to know that I am not the only one that felt unloved and unlovable. I am also thankful to read that we learned much more about loving others and raising our own children as we should have been raised. Although, challenging because we didn’t have a positive role model to go by. But that is how we make the world a better place,; by taking a crappy childhood and turning it around for the generation that follows us.
    May you all be at peace, may you feel safe and may you feel loved.

  • September 15, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    I can totally identify with the topic of this discussion. One that my mother would beat into my head, and that still remains with me today is that “No one wants you”. She would say it every time a friend would invite me to stay overnight with them, any time a relative would invite me over, any time period that I was asked/invited to participate or visit with someone. I have to literally “talk myself up” for days before going to spend time with a relative or an old friend. Every time I would say I had a new friend she would immediately squash the friendship, badgering me about the new person, their parents, the parents jobs, where they lived, siblings….you name it. And, she would mock me saying “well, how come I never heard of her before if she is such a good friend?” My relatives and cousins must only be inviting me to stay over because they feel sorry for me or because they felt obligated to do so. This undercut ALL of my relationships those of childhood as well as adult friendships. As much as I hate it she influences me to this day – even though I went no contact with her nearly 10 years ago. I have never looked back, and although she still greatly impacts my life, decisions, and relationships at least she is not actively here doing even more damage to me or personally wrecking things.

  • September 16, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    I am so blanked out at times when it comes to my needs, when someone is doing wrong to me, i am logically aware , yet i fear that if i oppose it will spring back on me, so i swallow all the humiliation that i am subject out of fear from being further humiliated and wronged. I feel that I will not be understood. And maybe i have turned into a people pleaser because of which too….i am unable to anymore explain the wrong to anyone wronging me, i either react bitterly, or swallow it all….then i rave and rant all alone

  • September 16, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    I have a narcissist mother who is ALWAYS a victim! My entire childhood I was surrounded by whatever abusive man she had in her life at the moment. My childhood was always surrounded with abuse from somebody, mostly the men in her life who were very physically abusive towards all of us. I know it sounds crazy but I felt like she almost ENJOYED the abuse?!?! She would tell everyone after something happened to get sympathy from people, but once they offered to help her as far as putting him behind bars or whatever she’d make excuses and say it was because of this or that..she’d know what these men were capable of, yet she’d pick away at them daily trying to start arguments..they’d warn her to knock it off (as would we -her kids..I never understood why she would poke and prode him until he ends up losing it??!!) she wouldn’t listen..she’d get in their faces and say “what are you gonna do, you gonna hit me??!!!!!” KNOWING they def WOULD hit her!! She’d keep it up until they’d finally break and end up beating her up…it was terrifying! And when we’d beg her not to let them back she’d tell us to be quiet or we’ll make him feel bad😡 I couldn’t believe it, why didn’t she want to free herself from that abuse? As I got older I realized she loved the drama of it all..the turmoil. It seemed she CRAVED it I swear!! She always talked about herself..how guys drool over her, how she is the best at this or that or everything in general. She talked about anyone and everyone, and always twisted stories to make it seem like people were talking bad about her? We lived on welfare our whole lives and had to wear hand me down clothes, and never had food except once a month when she’d go shopping..but she ALWAYS had her cigs and booze and whatever else SHE needed. She make us give up our Easter baskets to her friends kids because she loved the attention she’d get from the ‘amazing baskets’ she made🙄 And if I complained because I wanted my Easter basket, she made it out like I was selfish and ungrateful?! I rebelled I failed in school, I partied at a very early age, I was sexually active very young..she never knew because she was so involved in her own life that the only time she knew I wasn’t around was when she needed me to do stuff for her. As I got older around 15-16 she made me move out..told me I was spoiled and that maybe I needed to see how it is to not live at home..little did she know I LOVED IT!! As I grew older I used to wonder why my feelings toward her weren’t loving? How when she said ‘love ya’ it made me feel physically ill! And she knew that so she’d do it on purpose to watch me cringe so she could remind me how awful I am towards her..she makes up stories about me to everyone and talks so badly of me telling people how I treat her horribly, and how 10 years ago when she had breast cancer I ‘refused to give her a ride to the Drs’ which actually was her calling me RIGHT BEFORE her Drs appt. I lived 20 minutes away, and was actually on my way to work and was already running late! Mind you my brother(the golden boy) lived right upstairs!! But she didn’t want to bother him…right so I was the ‘awful cruel daughter that wouldn’t help her mom who was battling cancer’ and he was just home chillin right upstairs from her and because she didn’t want to bother him, she’d rather find a way to be able to show people how awful I am. She puts my siblings against me by feeding them with lies and she can cry on a dime to just add to the dramatics!! So they all think I’m so horrible along with everyone else she’s managed to manipulate to think this way. I’ve had to cut ties with her completely because she is so toxic and I grew old of the gas lighting that takes place when I ever try to talk with her. And wouldn’t you know it,, by me cutting ties only gives her more fuel to act like she ‘misses me so much’ to everyone and gets to hear them all feel bad for her (victim yet again)..the only thing she misses is her narcissistic supply she’d get by talking with me. I refuse to let her be a part of my kids lives, and she makes sure to let everyone know that as well…it’s very tiring and frustrating having a mother like this and having a whole family that believes her bs!! I feel so alone and depressed because I don’t get to have any family of my own because this entire bloodline seems to be exactly like her!! I just wish for things to be normal, but know it never will be. I could literally go on and on and on..I just gave a briefing as to what she is like..sorry for blabbing, I know I got carried away I guess this was my first chance to actually vent without fear of it getting around and for me to hear all the nasty rumors about myself from random people that she managed to tell how I am so awful.

    • September 24, 2016 at 8:53 pm

      There are mothers like that or worse , if she is so toxic to your well being , you have every right to disown her and don’t worry about what other people think , just live happy and cut tie completely . that we all would do the same , must be a very unhappy woman , pity for her .

  • September 26, 2016 at 6:38 am

    It is so weird, because I can normally talk to my mother while in public, and she sort of acts like she cares, but behind closed doors she detests me, and treats me like mop for wiping floor. No boundaries, no respect, zero of love and compassion. And I don’t know how to explain it to anybody, no one gets it, it’s a blasphemy to say bad (true) things about your mother. And she is an expert at making me look bad and flawed in public, so…. who is going to believe me? Seriously? And then I have to fight my own feelings of deep hurt and inadequacy for even thinking my mother could be wrong or mistreating me. It hurts me the most.

  • September 28, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    My torment is ongoing since an abusive relationship was normalized for my sister and I, my sister married a narcissist that murdered her after 13 years of marriage, leaving 3 innocent children to deal w/ the aftermath. Now that same narcissistic woman is raising my sister’s kids and I have no say in the matter. The eldest won’t even speak to me, even leaves the house when we go there. The murder was bad enough, but the fact that my extended family (who all badmouthed my mother when I was a child) now all support her and my father raising the kids, over my husband and I, that made parenting our first priority. It’s incredibly insulting. I don’t want to have anything to do with any of them, and am forced to just maintain civility (which is hard) just to be there for my nieces and nephew. My sister was a sweet person, it kills me that her kids are stuck w/ our mother, and my father is in denial.


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