12 thoughts on “Are You on the Run from Relationships (and Intimacy)?

  • April 29, 2017 at 11:03 am

    Hmm. I know it is right there in the title, but this article seems rather one-sided. It somehow assumes that the need for autonomy (or individuality) in relationship is inherently wrong, and that the needs of the self are somehow damaging to the needs of the other, which – to me – sounds like the basis of codependence. “I will give up what matters to me (and how I recharge) in order to have closeness with you.” I don’t think there is a healthy relationship on earth that doesn’t have “alone time” in it. And yet – this article seems to suggest that needing time alone is a de facto avoidance of intimacy. I wish this article were more fair to both parties, talking about how the need for “closeness all the time” could be the thing that’s killing your relationship, too. I would suggest googling “solitude in relationships” or “being an introvert in relationships” to get a clearer (and fairer) picture of what it might mean if you happen to be the one in the relationship that “needs more space.” You are not the bad guy if you are an introvert and being alone is how you need to recharge.

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    • April 29, 2017 at 11:08 am

      Where do you see that in the piece? This is about the avoidance of intimacy and not about healthy relationships which combine individual autonomy and relatedness. The piece is about unconscious and inherited patterns. Nothing more.

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    • April 29, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      Kowl, I see none of what you wrote about in this piece. Can you specify where it is as I must be missing it. What I do see is a generalized presentation of attachment theory and how it manifests itself in adult relationships.

      Reply
  • April 29, 2017 at 6:21 pm

    As someone just accepting I have an avoidant style of attachment at 46,this makes sense in relation to fearful avoidance in explaining my destructive behaviours. More food for thought to help me understand. Thanks.

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  • April 30, 2017 at 1:07 am

    Peg, Is there no hope then? If we both grew up in these homes, with these parenting styles, and we are aware of our issues, how can we work on it, get past it? Are we doomed to never be together? To never be happy? I’ve read about the problem, where can I find the solution?

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    • April 30, 2017 at 9:14 am

      What’s learned can be unlearned. Therapy would help you enormously by cutting to the chase, especially if you’re both aware of your issues. Good luck to you.

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  • April 30, 2017 at 4:17 am

    So who does an aviodant fearful match up with the best? Or are we all doomed to bad relationships forever? I crave intimacy and lots of time alone. I’m an only child who bounced around between various family members and homes. I’d like to find a significant other who has either a secure or avoidant fearful attachment style because I can’t handle the anxious types. I think I just need to find a partner with the patience to deal with me. Articles like this make me even more fearful of intimacy. I feel like a fundamentally flawed individual.

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    • April 30, 2017 at 9:12 am

      First of all, you’re not “flawed.” You learned to self-protect in childhood and those behaviors are getting in your way. But what was learned can be unlearned. Therapy is the best and fastest route but you can also help yourself once you identify your behaviors. The best partner is a securely attached person who is also a good listener. I’m not a therapist or psychologist but research shows that you can “earn” secure attachment by learning to trust in a close relationship. Becoming consciously aware of your own reactivity is a help too…Ot will stop you from reading into situations and getting triggered.

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  • May 1, 2017 at 5:57 am

    I am like a truffle pig for avoidant women. I wonder if this can be monetized?

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  • June 6, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    I remember reading elsewhere that these attachment styles aren’t necessarily so cut-and-dried…at least not for everyone…but that they can come in degrees, and that someone might change over time or exhibit different attachment behaviors in different relationships. So, someone who is generally secure with avoidant tendencies might become preoccupied if they enter a relationship with someone more avoidant than they are. Or I might be dismissive/avoidant with my clingy younger sister, anxious/preoccupied around my unapproachable professor, and fearful/avoidant about romantic relationships.

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    • June 6, 2017 at 3:54 pm

      Yes and no. Insecure attachments aren’t cut and dried. Securely attached people don’t have avoidant tendencies. These aren’t behaviors the way you describe which are reactions to other people’s behaviors; these are unconscious mental models.

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      • June 7, 2017 at 10:16 am

        But what’s the difference between a mental model and a pattern of behavior? Isn’t a mental model just a set of interwoven beliefs, something that predisposes you to act in a certain way? And how do we know that securely-attached people don’t have avoidant (or anxious) tendencies? It doesn’t seem like a foregone conclusion that secure attachment would be all-or-nothing…couldn’t that sense of security come in degrees that might vary among individuals and across situations?

        This isn’t me being argumentative, I’m sincerely wondering about how these theories play out in real life. They certainly make a lot of sense in terms of explaining my experience, but on the other hand that doesn’t necessarily make them completely accurate or always true.

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