15 thoughts on “Falling Into an Infidelity-Trap Can Happen to Anyone

  • March 29, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    I don’t see how all of these rules are possible or desirable when we’re living in a world where men and women are supposed to interact as equals in the community, especially at work.

    Meals, favors, at least some types of gifts like birthday and holiday gifts and some level of personal sharing with people one has known for a long time are unavoidable in many subcultures. In my environment, it would be very rude to never have lunch with someone or not listen when they talk about their problems.

    And then what about gay people? Are they to avoid any personal connection with a member of their own sex if they’re in a committed relationship?

    I appreciate the need to be self aware and consider whether or not there’s a borderline romantic quality in a friendship, which of course could lead to problems.

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    • March 29, 2019 at 3:46 pm

      Your thinking is very common and popular. However, ask anyone that has suffered the destruction and trauma of infidelity and they will tell you otherwise. Unfortunately, some people don’t use seat-belts in their car and then unexpectedly calamity hits. After the injuries they understand why use seat-belts. From then on they always use them. I think you understand the analogy. I am in a successful business and have never engaged in personal conversations with my clients – it is not necessary. Rules with individuals who are gay are no different than anyone else. As far a your comment about “equality,” I don’t understand how this has anything to do with that. Infidelity does not discriminate based on gender. Thanks for your thoughts.

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      • April 3, 2019 at 7:35 am

        I agree with your assessment. I believe my wife has had an affair. She vehemently denies infidelity. This is compounded by the fact that she is his supervisor and all three of us work in the same agency where I encounter him frequently. I have insisted that she not have interactions with him but she continues to broaden his career trajectory causing him and her to take on new projects in a co-leadership role.

        I go to work everyday and am re-traumatized. Due to some complications with my background, I cannot simply leave and easily find a new job. I have asked her to adhere to the guidelines presented in this article. She will not stating that it is not uncommon in this day and age for men and women to work together. I feel that perhaps our relationship would be so much better if she did so. Due to her refusal, I find it almost impossible to forgive her. We do not fight in front of the kids, but I plan to leave her after the last one has left the house.

        I will present her with your suggestions and hopefully demonstrate that her behaviors and the opposite of what is recommended. She doesn’t want to end her relationship with him or me.

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      • April 3, 2019 at 10:02 am

        You mentioned that your wife says in ‘this day and age men and women work together.’ I am in no way suggesting that it should be otherwise. I see many female clients in my clinical practice. We work together to achieve a goal. However, we do not socialize. What I am emphasizing is that business does not require fraternizing or involving oneself in social activities that could destroy one’s family. I think you agree with me and you should not be “duped” by anyone that tells you being excessively social/friendly with work colleagues is necessary. These are self-serving positions – especially if somebody is trying to cover-over an affair. Thanks for your thoughts.

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  • April 3, 2019 at 8:14 am

    I agree. Married for 28 years. A Perfect Storm of events and one unique situation with an individual and I had committed adultery. Tore my family apart. Very hard on my adult children. Now I am in a new marriage but will always regret what I did.

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    • April 3, 2019 at 10:03 am

      To your point, this is exactly why I write these articles trying to help individuals avoid what unfortunately you did not. You have taken ownership for what you have done and this is to your credit. I wish you well.

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  • April 3, 2019 at 4:39 pm

    I agree with your 10 rules completely. I could add a few others from personal experience, my husband choose to forgive me, and I felt true grace for the first time.
    Young women can turn away from extramarital attention, tell a trusted friend whats going on, and turn the other way. I highly recommend it.

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    • April 3, 2019 at 6:59 pm

      Thanks for your contribution. If you like, let us know what additional rules you would add.

      Reply
  • April 3, 2019 at 6:55 pm

    It can turn into a genuine obsession where you absolutely can’t stop thinking of the other, how we can meet up and where. When Clinton had his thing with Monica I thought ‘this is scary because this guy is supposed to be running the country and he may very well be unable to get her off his mind . My friend said the sex is always great but you will go crazy and he was right. the Dr. said time and distance is the only cure. It can take a couple years to regain your sanity.

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    • April 3, 2019 at 8:32 pm

      Yes, it can become like an addiction. Then add the “secrecy” and the risk of being “caught,” what is the profit, does it really all add up? I think not! Thanks for your contribution.

      Reply
  • April 3, 2019 at 6:58 pm

    And then the finger pointing by others who know what you are doing. They in their holyness so disapprove, and then it happens to them.

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  • April 4, 2019 at 3:40 am

    My first wife had st least two affairs I know of, which I forgave her for. Then one day she greeted me at the front door when arrived home from work with her bags packed saying she couldn’t be a wife or mother anymore. Her relationship with the guy she left me for ended after ten years.
    I swore I’d never do that to someone then at a really difficult time in my current marriage I turned to another woman for comfort. 20 years on I still can’t forgive myself. Adultery will destroy your life.

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    • April 4, 2019 at 10:00 am

      Thanks for posting this. Perhaps your words of wisdom will get someone to restrain from entering down the dark road of cheating. Regards.

      Reply
  • April 16, 2019 at 9:36 am

    Justification and minimization is the fastest vehicle to move a person toward infidelity. A monogamous relationship is wrought with many challenges and will not always create a warm, fuzzy, safe feeling, exciting environment for a person. Every monogamous relationship requires ongoing commitment and discipline to the health and vitality of it and the individuals. Infidelity is a selfishness that is liken to poisoning the water for one’s self and everyone else drinking it. As well, a monogamous relationship pokes a person in ways that may not realize are indicators of personal developmental work in need of their attention. When a couple is disconnected for various reasons, a person may feel as though they’re not really in a committed relationship. It may feel easier to allow what promotes infidelity, but ultimately is a significant personal betrayal as well as a betrayal to potentially multiple people. When any person appearing capable of making a commitment of monogamy betrays that commitment, it will create self loathing and a long list of other issues that have tentacles, which will hurt other people. Both people involved in infidelity, knowing one or both are in a monogamous relationship regardless of the nature of it, ultimately do not care about the other person’s well being. It is a very selfish dynamic that is only self serving, regardless of the feel good chemicals that dynamic creates. When a person is a serial adulterer that is a strong indicator they’re significant deep issues that surpass the infidelity. When any person normalizes and excuses behaviors that led to infidelity they’re complicit in a toxic behavior that destroys on multiple levels: societies, families, and individuals. Educating about what adultery really is and the destruction it creates hopefully helps people to work on their self, mature, nurture real relationships and take responsibility for building integrity and character instead of justifying and excusing underdevelopment. If a person’s monogamous relationship is in crisis, deal with that first…Go to counseling; work on the issues; work on one’s self; see it through to maintain the purity it deserves for all involved. If after both people have agreed to end the relationship, heal from that and responsibly renter what it means to be a mature person with integrity in a new relationship.

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  • May 20, 2019 at 7:08 pm

    What does one do though when after 25 years following the 3 1/2 year infidelity, you find a Birthday card to the cheater rekindling the affair. We went through counciling and she refused for 25 years to share any details with me. I trusted again and am angry for believing my “deeply religious and faith filled” spouse was over him. She swear it was just a brief moment of weakness, but how do so know?

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