7 thoughts on “Confidential Forgiveness Quiz: To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

  • June 27, 2018 at 8:51 am

    I have a question when you say, “the perpetrator of the injury is remorseful.” To answer that question I think we need to know which injury. For example, if the woman in the scenario was previously in a relationship in which her partner deeply violated her trust through cheating. As a result of that violation she experienced a severe emotional trauma, a wound that remains unhealed. Now in the current relationship she sees her partner looking at another woman. The act of looking at someone else triggers a fear in the woman that he is no longer interested in her and will abandon her. She is essentially re-traumatized by him looking at another woman. He can apologize and be truly remorseful, but it may be perceived as insincere because the injury is much deeper and the real perpetrator was the guy who cheated in the previous relationship. Any suggestions?

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    • June 27, 2018 at 10:37 pm

      Great question. I can’t go into a too lengthy and explanation. However, simply as you say the woman is “re-traumatized.” Meaning his looking at another woman was a “trigger.” And no, he cannot undue the damage that the former partner caused by cheating. Rather, he can apologize for perhaps being “insensitive” and be empathetic that she still suffers from the original betrayal. Talking about what the triggers are and how to handle them in advance would be helpful. Regards

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  • July 14, 2018 at 7:04 pm

    I felt this was a great article until it referred to marital problems…what about forgiveness in other areas?
    In my own situation (and this is where all of us get our information, from our own experiences) I had my children take their father’s side during the separation process. THIS was something I could not understand at the time, and I still can’t. And this is why I cannot forgive them…as an explanation or a sorry or something needs to be stated does it not? I mean for forgiveness to happen…as you can tell I have been battling this for years, 9 or 10, I get sick of people telling me to ‘move on’, to forgive etc. I often feel they don’t understand the depth of my pain (I was seeing a psychologist at the time who told me that their behaviour was ‘killing’ me and that it was time I walked away). My children were adults yet did not behave that way. Part of my inability to forgive comes from my obvious bad parenting – I had thought I had given them skills to assess, to see ‘sides’ (not just one side) of issues, to have compassion for others and none of this has showed in their treatment of me during what was a difficult time but made more difficult by the ‘children’ believing their father’s lies…I often think that they did not know their mother but that does not help, not really. If you read this far…thank you 🙂

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    • July 15, 2018 at 8:53 am

      Thank you for your comment. Your pain is understandable. Any healthy person cannot just “walk away” from their children. Unfortunately, one of the most negative outcomes of a divorce is children being encouraged to take sides. Although I do not know the particulars about your situation, many children are alienated by one parent to reject and hate the other parent. This is why Parent Alienation is compared to brainwashing. I encouraged you to find a qualified and caring family therapist that together with you can contact your children and see if all of you together can find a way to sort this out. I have helped in the past many families overcome historical parent alienation and have had very positive outcomes. The value of family to a person’s well-being cannot be underestimated and to just “move on, is not realistic. Human nature is such, that having good family relationships is essential for personal well-being. I’m sorry for your pain, keep up the fight to get your children back, and hopefully, in the near future, you’ll be writing me to tell me good news in this area. The following article that I wrote maybe helpful to you. Parent Alienation is a form of Emotional Abuse

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      • July 15, 2018 at 8:03 pm

        Thank you for your response, it really is very kind of you. I will have a look at the other article.

        Regards

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      • July 15, 2018 at 8:09 pm

        Just have to add – my youngest was 28 years old at the time, not a child and that is where I have a problem (?) that an adult can take ‘sides’, believe ‘stories’, some of the stories I can see how they would believe it (ie he made many efforts to make it look like I was doing things that I was not, for instance taking money out of our joint account close to my work place) but not all…and the way they accused me of these things is not how they should have been behaving to a parent, not in my opinion anyway (I am not saying my way is the right way for everyone but they surely should have known their mother better, approached things in a more relevant way). Sorry to rabbit on…and IF I could find a good therapist I would but hard to come by in Australia :/

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      • July 16, 2018 at 9:04 pm

        Thanks for sharing your sad story. Obviously, there are many moving parts to this and as such, I cannot really offer an intelligent or responsible comment. I hope you find a way to sort this out. -Abe

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