I am a big advocate of positive marriage. In addition to writing for Psych Central, I have created an extensive collection of articles and tools to strengthen relationships at www.GoSmartLife.com.

Earlier this year I wrote a blog post on the GoSmartLife.com website blasting Ashley Madison and its former CEO, Noel Biderman, for falsely promoting infidelity as a tool to improve relationships. What total hogwash.

That column has proven so popular that I feel compelled to share it with my loyal readers here on Psych Central.

There is a common adage that says, “The Best Defense is a Good Offense.”  That is true about strong marriages and committed relationships.

I feel very passionate that the exploitation of others for selfish gain is wrong. As well, I want to set the record straight regarding the evils of infidelity.

If you want to defend your marriage against infidelity or gradual dissolution, the best way to do so is to take proactive steps to strengthen your couple.

I invite you to discover Marriage Intelligence™ – the best relationship advice available.

And please, in the comment section, let me know what you think about my open challenge to Noel Biderman.

Ashley Madison has been lying to the public for years proclaiming that infidelity is good for marriages. This is false, and sadly the lives of many people have been destroyed – adults and children alike – because of Ashley Madison’s greed and recklessness.

I feel very passionate that the exploitation of others for selfish gain is wrong. As well, I want to set the record straight regarding the evils of infidelity.

To that end, I have made numerous attempts to contact Noel Biderman, for years the primary promoter of Ashley Madison and its empire of infidelity. I want to debate him publicly so that people will have the opportunity to hear for themselves why infidelity is NOT good for marriages.

Below is the letter that I have sent him, although I can’t say whether or not it’s ever reached him:

Hi Noel,

I am a Rabbi and family therapist.

Based on what I have read and heard from numerous news and information sources it seems clear that you believe infidelity is good for marriages. I disagree with you completely.

As a practicing marriage therapist for more than 25 years, I know firsthand how infidelity destroys adults and children alike.

Because you have publicly promoted what I believe to be false and harmful information that has sadly led people to great destruction and pain, I seek an opportunity to explain to you and others, also publicly, why your position about infidelity and marriages is wrong. I want our “debate” to be public since millions of people have received wrong information from you and your agents to now have the opportunity to learn the truth about how destructive infidelity is.

To that end, I challenge you to arrange a public meeting on national media to debate the pros and cons of infidelity. I am asking you to arrange this event as you have experience in marketing and publicity on a large scale, as well as helpful connections with the media to make the necessary arrangements, which I do not.

Please get back to me with your thoughts and if you would be prepared to meet me in a setting that can be viewed by millions of people to debate this contentious topic.


Rabbi Abe Kass, MA, RSW, RMFT, CCHT.

p.s.: Since the last media reports, it is possible that you no longer believe that marriages are benefited by infidelity. If this is true, we can appear together on a national stage and try to undo some of the damage you have caused by denouncing infidelity. Since your promotion of infidelity was on a national scale, it would be fitting for you to reject your former position also on a national scale. Doing so, besides being a great public service, may also be a good way for you to contribute to your own personal redemption.

No Reply

Unfortunately, in spite of my best efforts I have not heard back from Noel. It seems he has arranged protection so as not to have to face the “truth” that he so conveniently likes to set aside and replace with self-serving fantasy and greed. Perhaps he does not even know of my request to debate him on the topic of infidelity.

I believe Noel Biderman has made huge sums of money off the misery of others. Every week I get emails and comments from people who have suffered enormous emotional and physical pains caused by the betrayal of a partner. I see children, who now as adults continue to suffer because of the breakup of their families caused by infidelity. Noel, how much is their misery worth to you?

Noel and Amanda Biderman appearing on ABC-TV’s “The View.”

When I was a child, the way to train a dog to do its business outside was when it defecated within the home, you were to rub its nose in its feces. I believe the same should be done to Noel Biderman and his wife, Amanda. Their noses should be rubbed in the pain and misery they have caused so many countless wonderful beautiful innocent deserving people. This is precisely why I want to debate him.

Their noses should be rubbed in the pain and misery they have caused so many countless wonderful beautiful innocent deserving people.

Noel Biderman’s grandparents were Holocaust survivors. They were first-hand witnesses to the destruction of families; to the pain that innocent people suffered. Noel has so horribly dishonored his special grandparents’ memories by placing stumbling blocks before the innocent that has then lead to family destruction and an irrevocable pain.

You would think that now living in a wonderful beautiful Western Society, Noel would contribute to the human cause… sadly this has not been the case. Rather, Noel has contributed to society’s debasement and destruction — not metaphysically, not figuratively… but actually.

I am sure that Noel does some good as well. But in the face of the humongous bad he has caused, it’s not surprising the token good goes unnoticed.

Outdated Ten Commandments?

Noel contends that The Ten Commandments are outdated. Why does he say this?

In my opinion, it is because The Ten Commandments are an obstacle to Noel’s monetary greed — The Ten Commandments tell people to be faithful to their partners, and Noel doesn’t want this — it would be bad for business.

And what would Noel replace our moral code with since he is tossing out The Ten Commandments? I guess if I can ever arrange a debate with him, I will ask since I cannot imagine what he is thinking. However, perhaps the answer is, simply, that he does not think.

Noel Biderman is the author of a book titled, Cheaters Prosper: How Infidelity Will Save the Modern Marriage. Noel’s training is as a lawyer. He has zero credentials as a marriage counselor or social researcher. Yet he freely offers marriage advice. Besides being false, his advice demonstrates his arrogance and his ignorance — each competing with the other to be Noel’s public persona.

Should Noel come out from under his rock, I still seek to debate him and hope he accommodates me as a minimal token of responsibility for all the hurt he has caused and damages to families he has perpetrated. He can be redeemed as a person, but only with effort.

Interestingly, often Noel and his wife have been interviewed together on nationally syndicated television. His wife also advocated infidelity as a way to help marriages. When she was asked by the show’s host how she felt about Noel cheating on her — unequivocally she responded that she would not accept it from him in her marriage, and that he would never do itLOL.

Setting aside the illogic of Amanda Biderman’s position — for others infidelity is good, but not for her — when the Ashley Madison’s database was breached and philanderers’ names exposed, guess whose name was on the list? None other than bad man “Noel Biderman” himself! I wonder what Amanda felt when she saw she too had been had?

All that Noel Biderman and his wife Amanda have done is stupid. Noel’s apparent cheating on his own wife Amanda and injuring his own marriage proves it!

Don’t be had by Ashley Madison’s lies.