9 thoughts on “What Is an Anxious Attachment Style and How Can I Change It?

  • April 20, 2017 at 5:30 am

    What an awesome article! I am so ready to use these in my relationship. I’m anxious and my boyfriend is secure. I’ve spent a lifetime suffering with anxiety, and I’m so ready for change. I’m glad I found this when I did because I’m ready to empower myself with these tools. Thank you so much!

  • September 7, 2017 at 5:10 am

    I never realized but the last few years when I looked over past relationships, I would let it get so far and then break it off. I thought it was because I didn’t want it to get sexually and wanted to remain pure for marriage. But one day it hit me, I avoid too intimate of a relationship. I am married. Married for almost 26 years, but I don’t share personal things and when I would, they tend to be used against me. I think I thought he was confident and secure in Faith, so I jumped in and I liked what I saw as intimacy for the first time allowing myself to get uncomfortable, but what I see is he is really an anxious and pretends to be confident and secure. He has substance abuse issues with alcohol and one day he is smothering and the next week he is avoidant to the point of extreme isolation. You can’t tell him personal things because they become used as weapons and I find myself alone, or an idol and both are extremes to this relationship. I dont do well constantly feeding him, he’s the best mindset and he can’t stand not to have it. I repeatedly say two healthy people make for a great marriage and I feel it’s very toxic. I feel in a lot of ways I have grown as an adult, but I don’t believe I could ever be what he demands me to be. If I’m not I am hated and never enough and verbal and emotional and sometimes financial abuse happens and it’s A cycle. But I tend to buck up and be assertive or avoid it all as much as possible. No one wins or feels like a winner in this type of marriage.

    • November 21, 2017 at 7:13 pm

      Oh my gosh. I feel u to the max. They’re so inconsistent without realizing it. Would your partner blames u for his inconsistent behavior ?
      It’s not going to work to change him. He has to want to change.
      My heart goes out to u.

    • June 29, 2019 at 8:43 am

      Hi Kim,

      I’m so sorry. You probably won’t see this. I wish the author had responded. What you’re describing about your partner sounds much more like narcissistic personality disorder. I’m sorry that you’ve endured it for so long. I hope that you can find help for yourself, and safety from this person’s harm. Good luck.

  • January 23, 2018 at 1:13 pm

    The title of this includes …and How Can I Change It?

    But offers no real steps to take, just hackneyed clichés

    Wasted my time

  • May 2, 2019 at 7:45 am

    Seems I’m both if this article is correct! I would say I tend to feel disappointed by relationships and think I’m better off by myself but the reason is because I don’t feel my relationships are close enough, not because they are too close. So I guess I think I’m anxious but my reasons for leaving are like the avoidant’s. I feel that all of my relationships become about their needs simply because I have capacity to understand them, and probably more importantly, curiosity to understand them. My needs get left behind because I can’t seem to find anyone who is particularly interested in knowing what they are. I don’t really mind if people are a bit demanding when insecure, although neither do I give into demands, I just soothe the emotion that is driving them. Distance bothers me more. But I wouldn’t say my relationships are tumultuous in any way, I would describe them simply as disappointing. I tend to find that I am lonelier in relationships than on my own because your expectations are different in those situations. If you are on your own then feeling alone matches the environment more so I don’t tend to notice it or feel disappointed by it, but if I’m in an intimate relationship but don’t FEEL like I am, that is much lonelier.

    • July 4, 2019 at 12:23 pm

      Hello Anon,
      I agree with nearly everything you said. I feel that I must be a mixture too. I guess I am naturally anxious, as it seems to run in or faily but at the same time, the Childhood Emotional Neglect runs in the family as well and that causes the avoidant attachment style. Because of being not accepted as I am or supported by my family, but only either criticised or neglected emotionally, I got very strong walls against being hurt. But the original anxiety and insecurity were never addressed, so they are still there. on top of that is the avoidance of intimacy that came from loneliness and hurt at home and at school and having nowhere positive to go in my early life. No good friends or relatives, no encouragement or attention at school, just isolation, low self-esteem and confidence and feeling unwanted and not good enough. I feel I am like a wild i.e .”feral” kitten. They are not able to take to being tamed, yet they need closeness and help from humans. I long to be tame and cloe to somebody without destroying them and sreading my anxiety to them, but I have destroyed both of my long-term relationships. Since then I have lost the temporary confidence I had then and nobody wll ever want me again. They did not before I had the confidence, The usual feedback I get is that I am hard work to be with and too bad tempered and negative about myself. A couple of boyfriends said I don’t want to do anything. I am too snappy and negative due to the low self-esteem, I have low motivation and a lot of anxiety. Being told I am responsible for everything that is wrong with me does not make me feel hopeful at all. Obviously if I was able to solve everything by myself, I would have done it before now. So how am I supposed to do it?

  • August 31, 2020 at 11:36 am

    The fact that “anxious attachment” is a “thing”, was a complete revelation to me quite recently. I’m 45 and have been single for about ten years. I read the book “Attached” very recently and the theory seemed very helpful. But now I need to put it onto practice. Telling someone you’ve just met what your needs are could potentially be very off putting… Even to the secure. I haven’t figured what his type is yet so I’m playing safe in his company, withholding the devil neediness. But…. Home alone I’m going insane with my inner monologue. Then I think is dating even worth it! 😭 I just wanna love and be loved. Practically, what do I do in the beginning when I get it really bad for someone? He’s not one for talking feelings… Yet… It’s very early days…. I wish I could be more relaxed….


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