2 thoughts on “How to Cope When You’re Married to a People-Pleaser

  • June 11, 2017 at 9:41 pm

    My spouse has been on the end of all your suggestions that I can do to communicate clearly my feelings when she makes and keeps commtnents with others after making commitments to me that she fails to keep.

    In addition, she keeps doesnt communicate to me regarding, specifically, interactions with ex’s
    Or new men in her life.

    I trust her with these ex’s and new acquaintances, but dont understand why she doesn’t communicate with me about the same way she does with everyone else in her life.

    My repeated attempts to communicate gently my concerns are met with defensiveness.

    I end up confused angry and hurt that she cant understandwhy i feel the way i do.

    Her answer is almost always that she doesnt do it intentionally. And that sould be enough.

    Im at the end of my rope.

    Reply
  • January 22, 2019 at 1:01 pm

    Whelp! After 10 years, i figured it out.. Talk about a late bloomer! The reason it took so long? Because each time i would confront my common-law husband on his people pleasing behavior, i was “guilted” into believing i was wrong for setting boundaries.

    Or, he would say: “i’m working harder on doing better”.. After admitting he had backstabbed me, or threw me under the bus in front of his friends, he would immediately say: “Now that i think about it, i really don’t remember the conversation about that situation at all..” and laugh. It was his way of disassociating himself from the guilt or the event.

    Or, if he was going to an “invite” that he didn’t want me to know about, he would wait until i was getting into my car to go somewhere – then say: “Oh, i have to go to that thing that i mentioned a week ago, that i wasn’t too sure of, in 20 minutes.”

    Or, if he needed help on a thesis, and i would actually do the research – but while talking to his colleagues, he actually told them he came up with the research, ideas himself.

    If he had friends that needed help in his class, he would ask me to help them. But when test time, came around in MY class, and his friends knew the subject – they were no where to be found, or wouldn’t answer their phone – until the test was over and they wanted to know my score. He would never confront them on their behavior – ever.

    Sex? At first, he was amorous as heck for years! I loved it! Then i noticed it all became one sided. Yep, you guessed it.. I would wind up doing all the “work”, and afterwards, he’d take a shower, go back to bed or watch TV.

    But when his friends come around? He wants likes to suck up the compliments about his beautiful/intelligent wife, and strut around like a rooster as if we’re having getting it on every night.. We haven’t mutually have intercourse in 6 years.. But his buddies will never know it. It’s all about his pleasure and no one else’s.

    When we’re in public, and if another guy tries to hit on me, or a group of guys? He runs.. Yes. I repeat, he runs.. I can always find him at least two to four aisles over in the Whole Foods pretending to be intensely looking for something, after i’ve had to stand up for myself in aisle #7, #8 and the warm food counter.

    Why did it take so long? Because people pleasers are quite manipulative. For every wrong they do? They will perform incredibly nice things to color the canvas. Flowers, trips, cooking meals, etc. Anything to distract a person from seeing them for what they really are..

    Reply
 

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