Secure. Avoidant. Anxious. Disorganized. Which type of attachment style do you have? It may inform the types of relationships you establish.
Founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory outlines how bonds with your primary caregivers set the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout life.
Four types of attachment styles may develop due to early childhood experiences: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are considered insecure attachment styles.
Secure attachments develop when children can consistently rely on caregivers to fulfill their needs. These relationships provide a safe space for children to express their emotions freely.
Knowing your unique attachment style can help you become more self-aware and build healthier long-term partnerships.
Krista Jordan, PhD, a psychologist and couples therapist in Texas, explained that the attachment theory states that the primary goal of a human infant is to maintain proximity to its caregiver, a necessity for survival during our evolution.
“Bowlby believed that because of this evolution, infants and toddlers were monitoring their parents to see what strategies would allow them to stay close,” Jordan said.
“We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and therefore, we act in certain ways due to these expectations,” said Jordan. These tendencies play out whether or not we realize it.
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Regardless of your primary relationships, you can change attachment styles.
“The most important takeaway is realizing that someone can change from an insecure attachment style and develop healthy and secure bonds in future relationships,” explained Katarzyna Peoples, PhD, a relationship counselor and core faculty member at Walden University’s Counseling Education and Supervision doctoral program.
Secure attachment is defined by an ability to build healthy, long-lasting relationships, Peoples said.
How it develops
Secure attachment is the result of feeling secure with your caregivers from childhood and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without punishment.
Ultimately, you felt safe, understood, comforted, and valued during your early interactions.
Your caregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of their own emotions and behaviors.
“Hence, children model (imitate) secure attachment as well as receive it from their caregivers,” Peoples added.
Signs
Signs of a secure attachment style include:
- ability to regulate your emotions
- easily trusting others
- effective communication skills
- ability to seek emotional support
- comfortable being alone
- comfortable in close relationships
- ability to self-reflect in partnerships
- being easy to connect with
- ability to manage conflict well
- high self-esteem
- ability to be emotionally available
How it manifests in relationships
“Securely attached people grow up feeling secure emotionally and physically and can engage in the world with others in a healthy way,” Peoples said.
As a result, people with secure attachment styles tend to navigate relationships well and experience healthy mental well-being. They’re generally positive, trusting, and loving to their partners.
“They trust their partners’ intentions, and jealousy is often not an issue for them,” added Peoples. “Securely attached people feel that they’re worthy of love and don’t need external reassurance.”
Avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or anxious-avoidant are all words for the same insecure attachment style.
“[It’s] defined by failures to build long-term relationships with others due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy,” Peoples said.
How it develops
In childhood, you may have had strict or emotionally distant and absent caregivers.
Your caregivers may have:
- left you to fend for yourself
- expected you to be independent
- reprimanded you for depending on them
- rejected you when expressing your needs or emotions
- been slow to respond to your basic needs
“Some avoidant-producing parents are outright neglectful, but others are simply busy, slightly disinterested, and more concerned with things like grades, chores, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or fears,” added Jordan.
As a result, Peoples said these children may learn to adopt a strong sense of independence so they don’t have to rely on anyone else for care or support.
Signs
You might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style if you:
- persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy
- feel a strong sense of independence
- are uncomfortable expressing your feelings
- are dismissive of others
- have a hard time trusting people
- feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you
- spend more time alone than interacting with others
- believe you don’t need others in your life
- “commitment issues“
How it manifests in relationships
However, the signs of anxious-avoidant attachment could be related to experiences with stressful or challenging circumstances.
It’s suggested that feeling pressure to give or receive support, increase emotional intimacy, or share deep personal emotions could lead to behaviors associated with avoidant attachment.
For example, experiencing stressors or life events that can change your daily life, like transitioning to parenthood, may impact your sense of independence and autonomy. In turn, this may lead to depressive symptoms and reduce relationship satisfaction.
Anxious attachment style — also known as anxious-ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied — is another type of insecure attachment characterized by:
- fear of rejection
- fear of abandonment
- codependent tendencies
- depending on a partner for validation and emotional regulation
How it develops
This attachment style stems from inconsistent parenting that isn’t attuned to a child’s needs.
“These children have difficulty understanding their caregivers and have no security for what to expect from them moving forward. [They’re] often confused within their parental relationships and feel unstable,” Peoples said.
“Children with this attachment style experience very high distress when their caregivers leave. Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs, while at other times, they will not be attuned to their children,” she added.
If you have an anxious attachment style, Jordan notes that your parents may have also:
- alternated between being overly coddling and detached or indifferent
- been easily overwhelmed
- been sometimes attentive and then push you away
- made you responsible for how they felt
“Therefore, these children often grow up thinking they are supposed to take care of other people’s feelings and often become codependent,” Peoples said.
Signs
Signs you might have an anxious attachment style include:
- clingy tendencies
- highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
- needing approval from others
- jealous tendencies
- difficulty being alone
- low self-esteem
- feeling unworthy of love
- intense fear of rejection
- significant fear of abandonment
- difficulty trusting others
How it manifests in relationships
Similar to avoidant attachment, fear of abandonment or loss may lead those with anxious attachment to experience decreases in relationship satisfaction and mental well-being.
Stressors or events that decrease a sense of stability or threaten the quality of your relationship is likely associated with exhibiting behaviors of anxious attachment.
For examples, a person with anxious attachment may try to know their partners exact thoughts and feelings, and exhibit unhealthy behaviors if they perceive emotions that could threaten relationship stability.
“Anxious-disorganized attachment is defined as having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others,” Peoples said.
How it develops
The most common causes of a disorganized attachment style are childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Fear of their parents (their sense of safety) is also present.
Children with this attachment style may seem confused.
“Caregivers are inconsistent and are often seen as sources of comfort and fear by their children, which leads to their disorganized behaviors,” explained Peoples.
Signs
Signs of a disorganized attachment style include:
- fear of rejection
- inability to regulate emotions
- contradictory behaviors
- high levels of anxiety
- difficulty trusting others
- signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles
Jordan noted that this type is also associated with mental health conditions in adulthood, including:
How it manifests in relationships
People with disorganized attachment styles tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior in relationships. Jordan said they may alternate between being aloof and independent and clingy and emotional.
“While they desperately seek love, they also push partners away because of the fear of love,” Peoples said. “They believe that they’ll always be rejected, but they don’t avoid emotional intimacy. They fear it, and they also consistently seek it out, only to reject it again.”
“They perceive their partners as unpredictable, and they themselves behave in unpredictable ways within their relationships as they continue to wrestle between the need for security and fear,” she added.
“Making sense of the way one interacts with their partner and knowing why they react in certain ways can make the journey of healing much easier,” says Peoples. “New patterns of thinking can emerge, and behaviors can be corrected.”
Beware, though: “The only reliable mechanisms for identifying adult attachment are the Adult Attachment Interview or the Adult Attachment Projective,” says Jordan, who notes that these tests are administered by highly trained research psychologists.
Peoples notes that people with insecure attachment styles might need further help if they want to develop a more secure attachment type.
“In many cases, the individual may need to talk to a counselor to make sense of their childhood experiences and how they affect future relationships,” she adds. “It may not be an easy journey, but it will be well worth it.
If you want to know what your attachment style is, consider taking our medically-reviewed Attachment Style Quiz.
