Addicted, dysfunctional and chaotic families are a breeding ground for perfectionism. Therapists and addictions counselors often talk about alcoholism (or any addiction) as a family disease because it affects everyone in the family. As I’m sure you’re aware, an addict’s behavior has far reaching consequences for his/her family, especially the children.
Alcoholic homes are unpredictable and harsh. Some children learn that the best way to cope is to become an overly compliant pleaser. We keep the peace by trying to keep everyone happy all of the time. Adult Children of Alcoholics states “…we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.”
This people-pleasing creates weak boundaries. We tend to overextend ourselves in order to please others. And we overextend ourselves to pursue goals and achievement at any cost. Throwing ourselves into work or school can become an escape and a way to bury our feelings. Striving for perfection and success become a way to prove our worth and to avoid criticism from our parents and ourselves.
Children in alcoholic families become overly responsible out of necessity. We often have to take care of our addicted or co-dependent parent and/or our siblings. We learn early on that others are untrustworthy and to rely on ourselves.
Because we were blamed and criticized as children we came to internalize these beliefs and now are overly harsh with ourselves. We expect perfection from ourselves and since this isn’t possible we fall into harsh self-criticize, feeling of guilt, hopelessness, and low self-worth.
Some of the common Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) traits are:
- fear of abandonment or rejection
- taking care of others to feel worthy
- all or nothing thinking
- struggle with identity
- trying to control others
- poor boundaries
- difficulty trusting
- don’t feel “good enough”
- tend to “stuff” feelings
- passive or feel guilty when assertive yourself
- serious and have a hard time relaxing and having fun
- sensitive to criticism from others
If you’re a perfectionist who grew up in an alcoholic family, remember that perfectionism was a coping strategy. It was helpful when you were a child. It was the best strategy you could come up with. In other words, it was an understandable and normal response to a chaotic and confusing upbringing.
Now, it’s time to ask yourself if your perfectionism still serves you well. Or is it time to let go of perfectionism and find new coping strategies? Hopefully you are no longer living with an addict (but if you are, realize you have more choices as an adult). Your perfectionist coping strategies became habits. With work, we can change our habits if they no longer help us. You can begin to invite fun and self-compassion into your life. You can accept mistakes and not be so harsh with yourself.
The first step in any change is acknowledging that you have a problem: Perfectionism is causing you pain and suffering. From here you start to set goals and take action. There is hope!
image courtesy of holohololand at freedigitalphotos.net