Mr. Potato Head: Why Do I Have So Much Inner Hate?
In therapy this week, we broached the subject of my self-loathing. Although it’s not the correct terminology since the term “self-hatred” or “self-loathing” is more often refereed to by psychologists and psychiatrists who would usually describe people who hate themselves as “persons with low self-esteem.”
Self-hatred and shame is a large factor in my mental health diagnosis. One I’ve struggled with as long as I can remember. It’s only the second time, during any type of therapy, that I’m focusing on it with a view to changing my own misperception. My Autophobia, is a self-fear that I may one day like myself! I’m happy to say that I’ve been able to work through a lot of the self-loathing but that is a day-to-day fight.
The effect of my Inner Hate can flow over into my family! They end up having to put up with my constant negative mood. To say the least, it’s not a good time around me when I hating on myself. Instead of focusing on that, I’m trying to focus on something positive. (If you want to read about my mood see My Wife, My Love, My Trigger)
Let me share with you a few of the ideas my new therapist has me working on to change. To start, I’m doing a self-evaluation of my life, since I cannot just say I want to change my self-hate without pin-pointing the major cause of that hate. It was quite an assignment but the results ended where I figured they would. My self-esteem!
I’m a bit put-off that my lack of self-esteem has such a barring on my daily mood. Yet, I hate that I’m fat! My own reflection disgusts me! And it’s only when I’m playing the part of a happy and well-adjusted person that I can accept myself.
That ended up being the temporary solution my new Therapist wants me to try; fake it till I make it mentality. Although, that was not how he wanted me to think of it.
In the end, it’s the only way I can put it into practice right now. So far, it’s working! …Or am I just faking it?