Most couples fight over the most trivial things. And most of what each partner is so certain about when they are fighting—is pretty much exaggerated and all made up….on both sides. It may feel real but most of the time it isn’t.
So I’m going to suggest that as long as no one is actually getting abused, and as long as you like each other and want to stay together, couples could actually choose to stop fighting and be happy.
We are masters of delusion.
Yesterday my husband and I soaked ourselves at a local hot springs/spa. While in the Soda pool, the only one with a roof, I began meditating on the water as it rippled and swirled in front of me.
At one point, I noticed the floor of the pool had an interesting pattern that I’d never seen before. It was lighter in color than I’d imagined it would be. It had lines extending the length of the pool that looked almost like metal strips dividing the concrete into sections. I wondered why they had constructed the floor that way. It was attractive but seemed like they’d gone to a lot of unnecessary expense.
I felt the bottom with my feet. It didn’t feel the way it looked. I couldn’t feel the pattern I was seeing. Then I realized it wasn’t the floor I was looking at but the reflection in the water of the corrugated fiberglass roof. I wasn’t seeing the bottom of the pool at all, in fact, I had constructed something in my mind that made some sense to me and had not doubted my perception at all—until I did.
Life and relating are like that. Reology teaches me that everything I observe is really just a reflection of my imagination and past experience. I cannot truly see to the bottom of anything. And much of what I think I’m sure of—isn’t real at all, especially my perceptions of what other people are thinking and feeling. I am making stuff up all the time and believing what I perceive is real.
So, how do I capitalize on my understanding of this?
Once I understand (and remember consistently) that I am making stuff up all the time, I stop taking myself and other people so seriously. Relationships become easier and life becomes a lot more fun.
I realize that I value happiness more than being right.
I now see more humor in everything. I’ve actually developed a better sense of humor. Things that I once might have hurt or offended myself with—I mostly find funny now. I rarely ever feel the need to be right anymore or feel the need to control anybody.
I am free to interpret what is said in ways that serve my happiness because I know everything I am thinking is all made up anyway. I have a choice as to how I feel every day and every moment. And I can let go of being attached to all the stuff I have no control over anyway.
When I really get this—that everything I think is pretty much a figment of my imagination or at least just my version of reality—I become free to make my life as happy as I want to. If you want to learn more about the idea that we are each making up our own version of reality, click here to read the full article.
There’s been a lot more laughter in our house in the last several years, especially because my husband does this too. We’ve chosen to laugh at our differences instead of fighting to be right or trying to change each other. And if this interests you, you can learn more in our Dating Relating Mating course which is available at Amazon for half price.