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Hoping They’ll Change Doesn’t Make It So

wedding invitation or card loversEver gotten involved with someone, while hoping they’ll change?

Of course no one you choose will be perfect (my husband, Jake, objects to that statement). And we don’t want to be too picky. We can have too many personal desires and quirks that we want satisfied by our partner. But getting involved with the wrong person and hoping they’ll change . . . it doesn’t work very well.

There are some things about ourselves and others that we need to pay attention to. And we commonly ignore the big, obvious, up-front reasons why a relationship won’t work. We get involved even though there are plenty of warning signs to the contrary. And the relationship is doomed.

Listen to what they tell you

We often don’t even believe someone when they blatantly tell us what we don’t want to hear. They may tell us with words or through their behaviors. Nevertheless, we blindly get involved with someone, thinking we can change who they are, when all evidence shows they are who they are and not who we want them to be.

Getting involved before we know and understand someone never really works. In Reology we learn to discern more quickly who someone is because we learn how to witness people—instead of projecting our idea of who they are onto them. Because of this we are less likely to deceive ourselves and we can make a conscious choice of whether to proceed further into a relationship, or not.

A new patient came to me recently, she had gotten involved with someone who said right up front that he wasn’t ready for a relationship—having recently gotten a divorce. My client didn’t take him seriously. She was sure his feelings would change if they loved each other enough. It didn’t work out.

Other scenarios:

  • She’s sure he’ll find her so lovable that they will live in the city where she wants/needs to be rather than in the wide-open spaces that feed his spirit.
  • She’s sure he’ll be satisfied taking up salsa dancing with her on Friday nights rather than spending Friday night out with playing poker with buddies—something he’s done every Friday since high school.
  • He says he never wants to be married. He finds that too confining. But she’s sure he’ll come around.
  • She says she doesn’t want kids, even step kids. But he’s certain she’ll change her mind once they’re together for a while

A fish is still a fish

It seems that when it comes to dating, we sometimes put on our blinders, toss out our bait, reel in the catch, and take our fish home believing they can breathe out of water.

We could start by believing what people say—what they tell us by their words or their actions and save ourselves a lot of grief. And if you need help figuring out how compatible you may be, use our Dating Relating Mating course as a way to figure this out. This course is designed so that each section focuses on one stage of romantic relationships.

  • The Dating section and the related exercises are designed to help you figure out how compatible you are with a potential partner.
  • The Relating section of the course is designed to teach you crucial relating skills—many of which aren’t taught anywhere else.
  • And, if you’ve been together a while and you want to spice things up, that’s what the Mating section of the course is all about—teaching you how to move to ever deeper levels of intimacy.



Hoping They’ll Change Doesn’t Make It So

Jake & Hannah Eagle

Jake & Hannah Eagle conduct small retreats at beautiful locations around the world for the purpose of encouraging people to live more consciously. They also provide coach and health consultations.

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APA Reference
, . (2015). Hoping They’ll Change Doesn’t Make It So. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 20, 2019, from


Last updated: 26 Jan 2015
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