63 thoughts on “An Unrecognized Reason That Married Men Have Affairs

  • September 27, 2013 at 2:22 am

    Quite an insightful article Suzanne! Many of these unspoken, unrecognized and uncovered reasons behind extra marital affairs and divorce are difficult to find in words in the society, specially concerning men. This kind of article will definitely help identify and gather the causes for individuals going through it. The need to express your thoughts and desires arise when they are not otherwise understood by the other half, due to differences in view-points, opinions, and many other conditioning factors. Moderate communication done with the purpose of coming to one platform, even with accepting different view-points is definitely a good start to Harmony in Marriage! http://www.dadabhagwan.org/scientific-solutions/relationship/live-a-happy-married-life/

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  • September 28, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Interesing and true on many points. What I find lacking in these types of articles on infidelity is the omission of information about the affair partner. The married man “comes to his senses” and ends the affair after several years, but no one talks about the guilt and pain that the affair partner might experience especially if the married man was less than truthful to her. She may have been led to believe he would leave his wife or maybe he actually considered it briefly. He goes back to wifey who is none the wiser and resumes his married life while the affair partner is left alone to pick up the pieces, feeling duped or foolishly thinking he would leave his wife. It is completely different for that person compared to a steady couple who were each single and then broke up.

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    • September 30, 2013 at 3:08 pm

      H.B. – very good point – the affair partner is in the shadows picking up the pieces. When I am working with someone who is taking the risk of being the ” affair partner” I invite them to consider that they deserve more than being the person on the outside who so often is painfully left there. Suzanne

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      • February 22, 2015 at 7:03 pm

        My last boyfriend had lied from the beginning. His wife lived in Georgia and he in Ludington, he had filed for divorce 7 times, and each time his lawyer had him discontinue filings until he could get her name off his corporation as president and at the time we started dating he and his lawyer were in process of having that done. We were together for a year and still do talk, but no relationship. I am disabled and he came into my life stating to be a friend and help me. We did know each other when I was 16 and reconnected 30 years later. Yes I loved him, though feel he just lied and used me, even though he was 1st to say I love you and am in love with you. Why would anyone lie to a person just to have an affair with that person. It has left me hurt, sad, angry and I do wish his wife knew how he was. He makes her out to be a fool just as those he cheats with.

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      • February 22, 2015 at 7:10 pm

        My last boyfriend had lied from the beginning. His wife lived in Georgia and he in Michigan and he had filed for divorce 7 times, and each time his lawyer had him discontinue filings until he could get her name off his corporation as president and at the time we started dating he and his lawyer were in process of having that done. We were together for a year and still do talk, but no relationship. I am disabled and he came into my life stating to be a friend and help me. We did know each other when I was 16 and reconnected 30 years later. Yes I loved him, though feel he just lied and used me, even though he was 1st to say I love you and am in love with you. Why would anyone lie to a person just to have an affair with that person. It has left me hurt, sad, angry and I do wish his wife knew how he was. He makes her out to be a fool just as those he cheats with.

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    • October 14, 2014 at 11:31 am

      Some people are more complicated in my experience than this more average cheater.
      And the women who cheat knowing a man is in another relationship often do everything they can to win the man over, knowing and wanting to believe his lies thinking their sexual tricks will gain them a husband.
      In my case my best friend and lover, life partner I thought…
      started having an affair many years ago with a woman who pursued him. I didn’t know what was going on. He was mostly home but gone ‘fishing’ a few times a year.

      At one point he stopped being sexually available to me completely.
      Finally just 2 years ago it all came apart. By then he had 4 women he was seeing. He had recently asked me to marry him. One long term woman from Alaska who sent him audio messages madturbating on a phone I didn’t even know that he had was found, (and these messages were kept for years) so it was obvious she’d been offering sex in ‘ her bottom’ etc for years to get him to come to see her or to come here. They actually stayed at a hotel 3 blocks from
      Our house.
      Yeah!!!
      I had talked to her years before because she called our house. I asked her why she was calling him. She said because of meeting at this mental institution where his daughter and her husband were.
      This woman put her life on hold to see a man 3 times a year average. For a few days a year. She knew exactly what she was doing. She said they were engaged. That she had asked him. He agreed but never moved on it.
      Then there was a woman from another state. Another totally in denial person. And two
      More in our state. One within the local community who also thought they were going to marry him for some reason.

      All these women knew about me. But I didn’t know about them. Yet they called, me, desperate! These other minor players hardly saw him but the closest one also sent messages with photos of her body parts to lure him. Saying things like, ” from behind baby”! From
      Her phone. She had just become a midwife. She thought they were moving to where her new job was.. You’ll love this, in Alaska where the other one lived who he’d seen long term.
      Same town. He even went with her for the interview!

      The one already there managed to get her BA degree while he was seeing her over the years. ( she kicked her husband out) she taught some music classes at the university in her small city.
      Both of these women had daughters. 5 between them.

      He knew the long term Alaskan woman’s parents and friends!!

      All this was on the phone I found. I did speak to the piano player. Not the others altho I sent them messages. All of them were totally in denial and thought I was the bad guy. The desperate one etc.
      My contention is that this behavior is completely coming from ppl who have no integrity at all. The midwife came to our home twice, flipping out, and he handled it all calmly and composed getting her to agree to meet at the beach so there wouldn’t be a scene here! I called the police but was told to call back. I was going to put a restraining order on her. But I didn’t know her last name at the time.

      She hunted me down and found my email. She sent me terrible letters saying what was wrong with me. I was afraid she might attack me physically.

      She was moving however, to Alaska. Divine justice there. They can live close to each other, these two wackos. He had known the midwife only 1 year.
      He’d said to me that last year that he was sicker than he thought. I guess so.

      He said he had no intention of marrying any of them. The Alaska long term one was too obnoxious to be around more than a few days he said. The local midwife he said he was just waiting for her to leave. He played everyone really well. And I think he’s a covert stealth narcissist psychopath. You can’t imagine how sweet and charming this calculating man is.

      His family thinks he hung the moon. By the way he has never had a male friend. All the neighbors think he’s Soo nice if this is nice, I’ll eat my hat!

      These women would almost have killed to keep him after all this came out.
      I was left in a state of shock. The last year I was sure something was going on. But he left no paper trail. He had the First Lady in AK charge stuff on her card and he paid her cash back for all expenses to make most reservations.

      He had a post office box to get his phone bills and letters from these women.
      Anyway he’d leave immediately if I left to visit my family. That’s how he had so many women and had time to do it without me knowing. The Therapist I got wouldn’t let me talk. He wanted to do somatic work. But failed to hear I was in shock for a year and a half. He insisted I was angry. At times I was. But mostly numb.

      These women deserve whatever they got because they were all completely indifferent to the fact of my existence. He didn’t want any of them. I doubt he wanted me either in retrospect. He’s not capable of caring about anyone it seems.
      He called himself a monster. If the shoe fits!!

      It took me some time to get out though as I really had no place to go by the time I learned the truth.
      If he was unhappy with me to begin with its a surprise because he was crazy about me. Naturally living with someone who lives like this is confusing. You have doubts and feel things you don’t know about. It takes a toll on you. Things aren’t right but you don’t know why.
      Actually your intuition is saying to do something. But you don’t know what. I tried to leave a few times unsuccessfully due to hardships.
      I think he was seeing other women from the time I met him. He’s insecure and would have you confused so he can say that you are insecure.
      I’m writing this because I think it’s a broader picture of what was going on.
      Than the notion women who see married or otherwise committed men have been misled. These women were out to get a man and thought sex would do it. At any price to others. They won’t tell the Therapist how they offer anal sex and continual blow jobs.

      In the end he always wanted to be with me, he said. Yeah. Right!!!

      But I saw it was his terms, which were totally selfish and calculating. I managed to get away. But it was no small thing. Our state didn’t have any laws to protect me. Luckily I did have some money of my own. It’s been a struggle. But I was glad just to escape. But now I am fearful of trusting anyone. These two main women spared no time to find men to marry. But they still hunt for news of me and him basically, on the Internet. They miss this sick narcissistic man who misled them.
      The midwife is a short fat pug faced roller derby skater who smugly wrote me saying she was beautiful, 41 and had three beautiful daughters, and how I was ruining my partners life. This is how weird it can get!!

      I was not however, intimidated by any of these women.
      But I was shocked to see what trouble they would go to to have a man.
      It’s very sad to have had to be involved in such a sick scheme.
      I’m embarrassed and find it shameful to talk about. I avoid my friends. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t think I did anything wrong. Except obviously was swayed by charm and attention as the others were. But I was not looking for anyone to be with when I met him.
      I never even had a real date to meet this man. I met him because he was a seasoned hiker. I wanted to learn the ropes of this in my new PNW area. So a friend arranged a meeting to hike. I was raising a child alone and not looking for a relationship. I’m intelligent, educated and confidant. Or was.

      But he managed I guess to find me. He’s heard about me from a roommates boyfriend who worked with him. I guess that’s how it got started. Who can you trust? More and more I ask this. I feel I’m the victim of a predator. What do I do with this?

      The way he met these women; the midwife, gave him her phone number at REI where she talked to him about 5 minutes he said. He said she left the store but re emerged to bring her number to him on a piece of paper. He said he didn’t know why he took it or why he called her. He thought she was a nice person. She pushed her sex on him. He only wanted to be friends, he said!! Whatever!!

      The long term alaska woman met him at an institution where her alcoholic husband was and his daughter was ( for drugs).
      The other ladies respectively, on a flight to see the Alaska woman!, And one on a hiking trail.
      The warning? Be careful.
      Wolves in Sheeps clothing can be anywhere. And men who cheat with women who don’t care how they get a man deserve each other. I’m
      Still trying to learn exactly how many times I took the wrong path to be with him and why.
      Don’t let yourselves get into situations like these. Altho it seems to be the human condition. Btw one man from
      My past contacted me during the last year of this fiasco. His wife died. He was a friend so I talked with him and I didn’t keep this a secret from my partner. This man learned eventually that I was having troubles here but didn’t know exactly what.
      Once when my partner was gone on his trip, this man came with a ring from afar to propose to me. I said no. He’d called and I was upset so he grabbed the first flight out.

      I told my partner about it. At this time he could have told me he was seeing someone else. He didn’t.
      If I’d known I might have been more open to a possible marriage after leaving this man. Instead I had to go through all this convoluted stuff hearing women masturbating on the phone etc pictures of women’s body parts and see how they lie to self and others.

      It’s demoralizing. And I feel negative about the human condition in the extreme and fear ppl now which I never did before.
      Is that good or bad? I don’t know.
      But it’s relevant everyday that there are so many truly desperate people who will do anything to get what they think they want. Beware.

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  • September 29, 2013 at 6:26 am

    I’ve managed several mixed gender teams and found men to be the most talkative of the two genders. I don’t think most married men ‘can’t talk’ – I think they learn to shut up in order to preserve their marriage. I managed to keep my marriage going for 13 years so I could be around for my children growing up and did this by keeping my mouth shut most of the time although all this suppression made me extremely ill. I discovered my role in the marriage was to act as ‘sperm donor’ but not to have any actual influence over our relationship or how my children grew up. I was allowed to be there as long as I didn’t complain. I never had an affair, by the way, and I’ve been totally celibate since the marriage ended 20 years ago. I think if you took women and put them in the same social situations men find themselves in despite having different genitalia they wouldn’t talk much either. There’s a whole lot more going on in the dynamics of modern relationships than we care to admit – some of the things I’ve pointed out when in ‘polite company’ have caused uproar – we’re living in a society of lies.

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    • September 30, 2013 at 3:13 pm

      Carl; What makes your comment so valuable is your clear recognition of being in a marriage relationship where you felt you had to keep your mouth shut and just be there and to your credit be faithful. If you could advise someone in that situation now – what would you suggest he say? How could we support his entitlement to not only give but to receive and to communicate in a way that lets his partner know his pain? I am not surprised that in sports situations and in the outside world – yes men have a voice. Clearly we need to help them in the inside world of relationships – Special thanks, Suzanne

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    • October 16, 2013 at 1:54 pm

      Carl,
      As the “ovum donor” in my former marriage, I know exactly how you feel. My Ex and I did not fight about much of anything of importance (and therefore, didn’t fight much at all,) until our children were born. Then, when we disagreed about key points on how they should be raised, I was relegated to an inferior role, like a child, and my oldest was elevated to spouse status and included in all the family decision making. Then my Ex had an affair, which I discovered a year in. Keeping my mouth shut for 4 years in an attempt to save our distortion of a marriage gave me chest pains, anxiety and depression. All of this was terribly traumatizing for me, and I am only now getting over it, 10 years later and 4 years after our separation/divorce. I, too, remained faithful and celibate for 7 years, but I am an adult woman with strong, natural drives, and I don’t intend to ignore my needs another seven years. I applaud you for your commitment to your values (I’m assuming that is why you remain celibate.) But I value having a full life, and sex within a loving relationship is a major part of that for me. I just wanted to tell you that you’re right. Women can be forced into silence about these things as well, and still not cheat. I think it is the individual’s character that ultimately makes that decision. Regardless of what he did or does, I can look myself in the mirror each morning and know that I, at least, kept my vow.

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  • September 30, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I couldn’t agree more with what you say. No one talks about how painful an affair is for all involved. Most affairs don’t work out and even if they do there are inherent problems in the new relationship. Great posting. Thank you!

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    • September 30, 2013 at 3:14 pm

      Renee: Thanks for the comment – Yes if only people could find the words so they did not have to find the affair – Suzanne

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  • September 30, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Men are happy to talk. They just don’t want to go on and on and on and on. They communicate best when in addition to talking, there are shared activities side by side. Therefore…

    a. no serious conversation with a man should go on for more than 50 minutes. They burn out. If a psychologist sets sessions at 50 minutes once a week and thinks that can be therapeutic, same thing in a marriage.

    b. Women should have as much sex with their men as they do having serious conversations with him.

    c. Women should realize how far men have come toward a woman’s view of intimacy in the last few decades, and take reciprocal steps toward accepting men’s basic natures.

    d. Shared activities beyond obligatory child rearing are key. Sex, gardening, tennis, culture, church… the list goes on.

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    • September 30, 2013 at 3:17 pm

      Cynthia: Hey thanks for some great guidelines on male-female communication and emotional connection. I couldn’t agree more that men and women have different tolerance levels for discussion times and when you balance the ” talking” with activities you share – the intimacy and the communication grows – Best Regards, Suzanne

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  • October 8, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Concerning the chapter “Men Cheat with Women They Know”, I disagree with the conclusion. I do believe that men eroticize a female that “responds to him with time, attention…”. But in my view, being friend or colleague is not a men’s, but a women’s pre-requisite. Women mostly respond positively to a (married) man eroticizing them, when they know him. Therefore my conclusion would rather be “Men Cheat with Women Who Know Them”.

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  • April 16, 2014 at 9:24 am

    “they did not have to find the affair”

    Reading that this outmoded and outdated manner of thinking and “analysis” is still being perpetuated is shocking to me. It ignores and minimizes the life-changing trauma – and yes, it is trauma – the person on the betrayed end experiences, while focusing on how the victimizer feels. No one “has” to find any affair, ever. Somehow people manage to stay faithful while in equally crummy relationships with equally crummy partners – because it’s a choice and because it’s a belief. Actually, fidelity requires thousands of tiny personal choices every day. We are all responsible for our parts in our relationships – but if I decide to lower my boundaries or cheat, that’s 100% on me.

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    • April 16, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      Robert: Yes – they needed to speak about what was working and not working instead of carrying it around and finding an answer somewhere else. I think responsibility is key. The reality is that sometimes we are not handling our life or our issues in a way that helps us and those we love. – Thanks For your comment – Suzanne

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  • July 4, 2014 at 12:17 am

    Suzanne, I am the other woman. I went after him. To just have sex with him one time, no strings, no emotions. BUT Ive sort of become addicted to the sex with him and I have feelings for him that I keep to myself. He knows I care a great deal. He was always honest with me, told me he was married and would not leave his wife. He loved her very much. He told me he was not very much into sex, but at this writing we are getting into light BDSM. He likes the humiliation. He’s had to melt downs on my, guilt I guess. We’ve had sex in his and her bed together twice. The first time he had a melt down the day after. The second time, I tied him to his bed and he was blown away. No melt down then. I know he cares about me. He cant bring himself to say the L word, which is fine. But we’ve reached that point of goodbye and it about killed me. I know this is a bad situation for me for I will be the one who gets hurt the most. I will not be the vindictive other woman and go running to his wife and tell her. If he cares about her so much, then why doesn’t he talk to her about what he wants in the sex department? I mean he loves to be humiliated in bed. I enjoy doing it. I never asked him to leave his wife and I never will. I know from growing up that most men don’t and those who do wind up leaving, always go back. How do I stop him? Im addicted to him. One thing though, I feel safe with a married man cuz I know what I cant have and I don’t have to deal with a relationship and get hurt. Ive been married twice and my first husband cheated. I cant deal with that ever again so I settle for being the other woman.

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    • August 5, 2014 at 7:34 pm

      Clearly you do not experience empathy for his wife. You actively deal in lies and deception and yet you lament that you will be the one who get hurts the most. When you got it off in his and her marital bed – her personal place of safety and sanctity were you not being vindictive?
      Perhaps you believe his wife deserves to be hurt? I wonder how it is that you know her so well . . . did you deserve the betrayal of your first husband?
      I have no sympathy for you, your self obsession by its very nature will maintain your mean and empty life.

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      • August 4, 2018 at 3:28 am

        Well said.

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      • September 18, 2018 at 8:16 am

        I too am the other woman. At first reading your post, I thought it was my writing. I too have been in their martial bed, quite a few times. I do love him but I don’t want to be married to him. He won’t admit his feelings for me at all because then it really means something if he would. I don’t feel bad. My sexual desires are being met, and like you, my man likes to be dominated. Once, in a hotel room, he had that sudden, uh oh, what am I doing moment, and sprinted out of that hotel room. BUT it’s 7 years later, and we are still at it. Right now, I could probably ruin his marriage, but I wont. I know one day it will end, and I think I’m ok with it. But for now, we are both satisfied.

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      • September 19, 2018 at 12:43 pm

        Susanne:

        He won’t admit his feelings for you or leave his wife because he does not have any feelings for you. Particularly he does not love you and may eventually grow to resent you

        What he loves is the kinky sex you are claiming to provide for him.

        That is why he has melt downs.

        It is a typical case of “Madonna/whore syndrome. ” Google that phrase, if you do not know what it means.

        Apparently you are both into sexual humiliation because your situation is very humiliating, from an outside perspective.

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    • August 5, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      And I am the other woman as well. Have been for 3 years now. I was made to believe in that he was separated in the beginning. Now the affair has turned to a relationship and we love each other. His wife doesn’t know about me, but I introduced him to my family. Each summer and holidays, he comes to my city with his family and I feel insecure and angry at myself for feeling that way. He is very careful not to be caught and I feel offended with his paranoia . I don’t like being an option, but I can’t end this as I love him dearly.

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  • September 6, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Thank god I m divorced!

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  • October 28, 2014 at 8:40 am

    I am the wife. My husband was having an affair for a month before I left him. I knew he was having his affair from day 1 because of his change in behavior. The hair cut, the shaving, the change in dress style, the secretive phone calls & texts, the not answering my calls. I even knew he screwed her on our wedding anniversary. Throughout the entire month he denied cheating, swore he loved me and had no reason to cheat. I left him at the end of that month, much to his surprise. He refused to speak to me or acknowledge me in any way shape or form the last week I was with him. I think this may have been his way of hiding his guilt.
    When I left, he had no option but to publicly acknowledge his side piece. She is twice my size, has been engaged 3 times previously and has a history of chasing married men like they are a golden ticket. He got engaged to her 3 weeks after I left him. Fortunately for them, they have a wonderful life. Apart from losing his wife who will always love him, he has lost his children to state care (they are not my children), he has lost his home, is now flat broke, (wasted $6500 on her) , is unemployed, , is facing jail for insurance fraud charged & stolen property, and has to live with her mother.
    My question is : If a man has a wife at home who loves & supports him, emotionally & financially, his home is comfortable & clean, family life is good, sex life is definitely not boring, why would he risk everything to lie and cheat? He is now stuck with an extremely jealous female with no motivation to improve their quality of life and he has to devote all his time and attention to her and her children.

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  • December 3, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    What bull shit!!!! How about the vows that were taken? So we have to constantly stroke our mans ego so he won’t cheat? I let my husband do whatever he wanted for ten years and he still cheated with my supposed friend. During the affair of course the slut was half his age my husband lied straight to my face denying everything that was happening to include what a crazy, stupid bitch I was. Of course his love slut also had 4 other unavailable men also on the hook. So there affair is over. I am now getting divorced. My life is ruined because he also managed to give me herpes and of course he wants me back. Stroke there ego. Please give me a break

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  • February 26, 2015 at 11:18 am

    I sense the problem is people (men and women) find themselves seeking validation outside of SELF. All the intrigue and flirting is just a cry for attention. Some act on it with an actual affair to numb the pain of their own internal loneliness. This is why married men can compartmentalize the situation, and claim they are actually IN love with their wife, but still continue to pursue and court a mistress. The don’t talk because they probably had reactive Mothers, and just FEAR the emotional responses of women. Fear is is huge driving force for “lies of omission. I have a friend (whom I broke contact with because he “confessed” to me his extra marital affair) who tries to convince himself (and me) that he is “protecting” his wife from the pain. She is experiencing rejection, and doesn’t know WHY. He’s right when he says she doesn’t deserve the pain, but deceiving her, without the truth, and then allowing it to hit her later on, is way worse. She’s a really kind and moral woman. She trusts him completely. I told him he’s not protecting her. He’s protecting his financial interests, and it’s really selfish.I can’t be friends with him, anymore, because I can’t be his secret keeper. So, it’s also cost him friendships. My husband knows (because I told him) and although we don’t judge him as “a bad uy”, we can’t exactly go over for Bar-B-Ques knowing what he’s up to, and act calm and normal around her. I get a knot of guilt even KNOWING about it. UGH! I am pissed off, and I am not even involved in the affair! I can’t IMAGINE how his wife is going to feel when she inevitably finds out.

    He is also very SMUG about his “con.” It’s possible that he was “feeling out my reaction” to see if he could get something started with me. I can’t figure out WHAT his motivation was for telling me. He has this young single Mom on the side, waiting for him to make a decision, and a wife, who clearly loves him, and deserves a hell of a lot better than she’s getting. It’s such a train wreck. He is the only one who KNOWS everything.

    It’s a whole new level of sick when a person decides to continue the facade just for their own personal convenience. I never would have thought he would do it, either. It’s going to blow up, and I even feel bad for him. I feel worse for the women involved, though. Alas…this “not my circus – not my monkeys.” I don’t need to stay triangulated in something like this. I just wanted to share an opinion what it all looks like to me – a selfish cowardly act on the part of a scared, insecure man. Who would WANT that?

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  • March 8, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Reading all these comments and especially the last one where the person ended the friendship after discovering the friends affair,is commendable. However did they ever stop and wonder why people have affairs. The one thing my Pastor always said when it came to affairs that there are only 2ppl to blame. Those 2 are the people in the marriage. We are all at fault in the marriage when there Is infidelity. To pretend like the wife is innocent is absolute crap. She might look perfect and wholesome to u, however if a mans basic and women’s basic needs are met, then the real issue is why people do what they do. Maybe its a sense of self preservation that is required from both sides.. U will never ever truly understand why people do what they do. Some are really desperate that they look outside. And if u read all the comments. Its simple things that are missing. A Thank U. A I love u. Sacrifice Honesty for fear that peoples feelings are going to get hurt. If u cannot b free with your partner, who else can you b free with. Yes there are women and men who are just ruthless in their selfishness. However I still think that u can come back better and stronger after the other woman/man.

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    • March 8, 2015 at 12:32 pm

      Thanks – I appreciate your understanding of the complication with a recognition that if people want a relationship to work they have to have the courage to speak up and work on making it happen – and in the end if both want the repair- there is a way to find each other again – thanks, Suzanne

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    • August 9, 2015 at 8:04 pm

      I couldn’t agree more. .
      Why do people have affairs?
      I am in my marriage… my husband has been verbally mentally sexually and emotionally abusive for many years.. I’ve been with him since we were teens. I’m unhappy…
      I have met men online that have a need for emotional connection and physically touch because they don’t get it at home.
      I have only met a handful in person and not connected sexually except for hugs and kisses.
      These men have needs … their wives are not giving them…
      Some men are just in it for the sex… some have needs that are unmet
      So it’s not all one persons fault … sometimes there are bigger issues going on… such as my situation and the men I have befriended

      Reply
  • March 18, 2015 at 2:55 am

    I am married for 20 years. I am married to a pastor who never gave me any problems. We had our normal fights like any marraige would have. I did warn him about a certain woman in the church and he laughed. As always i left it but warned him a second time and a third. In October he was elected to gobto a camp which was orchestrated by her. When he came back i knew something was about to happen. He laughed. He persued her went after her eventuallu theur friendship became a steamy love affair. I found out about it on his lap top. They were emailing each other. I was so shocked i went into an anxiety attack. He admittid his affair and said he loves her he will be leaving me and making a life with her and she is pregnant and he was her first meaning she was a virgin at 28years old. I was devisated hurt painful. Nobody except the wife will know the pain. He left me and my daughter left to live with her. 3 days later he comes home and wants his family. I saw all his messages to her on the ipad n phone. Intimate loving caring she was his world. Looking at messages i was the thing the hangy wife the persin causing them frustration. I was their joke. He admittid to all and asked for firgivness. I firgave him but left home. My daughter left too. He lost his job his car his house and his family. From a pastor he became nothing. He has a job now but totally different to what he is used to. I love him but hate wat he did. He claims that he doesnt know what he did. I am really considering leaving him but our 20 years together was also very happy times. The woman was onevif those that is not popular with men so i think she knew wat she was doing. Pregnant now without him she is quiet no longer in church. So the other woman really does not love herself to put your life on a fragile situation and listen to all the promises,lies n more lies is so stupid. It is an illusion sand castle you build your happiness on. He wants to have nothing to do with her. She has a bad reputation with other married men. Mens weakness to the other woman is unnecessary his wife is genuine real, while she is exciting good at sex, but he will tire from all her tricks. She too will become as boring as the wife. He returned and she lost her game. The other woman does not realize she ends up more worse than the wife. He only get fantasy from her. Fantasy does not last like everything in life.

    Reply
  • March 22, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    I have been married for 23 years this year, to my beautiful first girlfriend. I was so taken with her at the start that I overlooked the warning signs. It became apparent later on, that she was very much under the spell of her parents – passive aggresives. I often (rightly so) felt that if some big event had to occur, that she would side with her parents against myself. Secondly, she was always a bit on the cool side when it came to intimacy. It always appeared to me that she “wasn’t really enjoying” her part in the sexual relationship. I was always made to feel that she was doing me a favour to have sex with me. This caused me tremendous anxiety & we would have a serious argument about intimacy at least 4 to 5 times per year. We had sex regularly, but you don’t feel that release, if you feel that you partner is merely “going along for the ride” as opposed to fully opening up to myself in a vulnerable special kind of way. This made me feel insecure in the relationship & she “just could not understand” how on earth I could feel insecure, despite regular rejection of sexual advances. I eventually had an affair & whilst it caused a lot of damage & resentment, I did get the emotional release that I was looking for. To be honest, it felt great. It ended soon after it started & I was back to square one.

    Terms that my wife uses regularly include:
    1) “It’s easy for you, all you have to do is go to work. I have to do all the stuff relating to the children” – so my contribution of being a highly successfully breadwinner, seems to be fully discounted to nothingness
    2) “The affair was 100% your fault”, she had nothing to do with it – she acted in a text book 100% good manner at all times
    3) “We bought this stupid small house because you weren’t prepared to go & look at other houses”
    4) “Maybe it would be better if I just jumped off a cliff”
    5) “We never have any fun” – not really a surprise as withing 2 minutes of getting home after a long day, the criticisms are already starting to spew forth – “you hung the washing out incorrectly” etc etc
    6) Did I mention her favourite : “It’s easy for you, you just have to go to work” – and earn all the money that funds just about everything including the new swimming pool, cars etc
    7) “You should get a proper job, all the other Dad’s were at the children’s assembly” – so I started going to these events in large quantities, in most cases, I was one of a handful of Dad’s there, all the others were at work.
    8) when the average family income in my town was about $75000 per annum, I was earning $120 000 per annum her favourite quote was: “We never ever have any money”
    9) She joined the local gym & went regularly & asked me to join as well. I thought about it for 3 months then joined. She was extremely suspicious about me joining the gym, & asked a thousand questions as to why I had joined. I told her that I joined because she had asked me to join many times -she didn’t believe me.

    We have good times too, but there is this constant undercurrent terrorism going on, as mentioned in the details above. I often listen to a very good radio station on the way home from work, but when I get home & walk in the door, you can cut the atmosphere in there, you can feel the tension in the air. I mow the lawn, wash the dishes, vacuum the house, cook sometimes, wash the cars, hang the washing out….. and I do those things with the right attitude. People at work all want to be friends with me, as they say that I am such a lovely person – their words not mine. So what am I doing wrong? I feel that she wanted to be a mother so badly, then again the second time, & now that the babies are now teenagers, she kind of feels cheated that she no longer wants that role – just seems a bit irritated with the whole thing. doctor asked her a couple of times about her libido, & she said that she told the doctor that it was fine – not true, basically disinterested in life… Writing this here & seeing the words makes me feel sad, that “this is where I am at” after all this time.

    Reply
  • April 8, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    I caught my husband out before he got to act on his impulses, and hoped that he would be able to do marriage counselling. Instead he ran off to pursue the affair and has left me with our 6yr old son and a broken heart. When first confronted he said he was so confused because he is happily married and loves me so much, but now he refuses to talk to me and has made it clear he is wanting a divorce. Did I make it worse by catching him early? I feel like I must of married a sociopath with the way he is treating me right now. Will he ever show remorse or be able to apologise?

    Reply
  • September 7, 2015 at 3:37 am

    This article really rings true.

    My first serious relationship was with an older man that was engaged, I was a virgin and very inexperienced to the point that I had never kissed a man before him. He however had a long list of past girlfriends and cheating on most of them. We were friends for a long time and even though I noticed that he liked me more (by checking me out and giving me that shy smile) I just wanted us to be friends, but it was hard for me too because I was attracted to him as well.

    A couple weeks before his wedding he told me that we should have sex for the first time on his last day before he takes 5 weeks off and I change jobs and we’ll never see each other again, kind of like a way to say goodbye, a going away present..but it didnt happen and we said goodbye forever.

    Then 5 weeks later he contacted me.. and suggested that he de-flower me in order to ‘help’ me..I knew that was bullshit, he just wanted to screw me, thats it. So I said no, I wouldnt be able to do anything more with him now that he’s married. Now we’ve finally found a spot where we can be friends, normal friends.

    Has anyone been through this before?

    Reply
  • November 21, 2015 at 1:20 am

    I’m a man and I’m having an affair with a woman a lot younger than me. For 30 years (before I had an affair) I had sex about three times a year if I was lucky and even though my wife said I could visit prostitutes I could never bring myself to do it
    Then one day I woke up and thought to myself, “I’m ready for an affair” within two weeks my current lover, who had started work at one of our other offices declared her feelings for me and nine months later our non-sexual affair became sexual…she is also married but we just can’t stop it. Even before we had even so much as kissed we had tried to break it up but we couldn’t do it
    I do actually love my wife and would never leave her but my lover fills all the voids
    I have tried talking to my wife about my needs and what she needs from me but she cannot ever come to admit that anything that isn’t right in our relationship is even 1% anything she might have done
    So a have sex with my wife entirely on her terms as and when she asks. I cannot make any advances to her or I get rejected. With my lover we just get each other in a big way and our infrequent times together just feel completely right, even though we know we are bad. The sex is beyond incredible and I love her deeply twisted mind just as much but for now they are two different worlds.
    Having a lover makes it easier to get along with my wife and express myself to her and love her because now I feel complete. Her ways don’t upset me like they used to
    Not sure what all this proves except that sometimes fate throws some pretty curved balls at you…don’t be harsh and judge others, you just don’t know how it is for them. I used to judge the unfaithful and now I’m one we them. Shocked the hell out of me I can tell you!

    Reply
  • February 10, 2016 at 11:41 am

    Personally, I think this “don’t talk stuff is BS”.

    I think there are just as many men cheating as there are cheating women.

    Cheaters are just selfish people who found each other.

    They are people who do not go into a marriage realizing it’s work, or they do but don’t want to do the work. They want an easy fix. They don’t choose to communicate because it is work and may reveal that the spouse is unhappy too.

    Why are you making it seem that men cheat for any different reason then men do?

    Yes, I agree most men want to cake eat and most women who cheat want to upgrade, but they really basically all cheat for the same reason.

    That reason being that they do not want to learn to communicate in the marriage because then they may have to admit that their spouses have the same issues the cheater has, but they chose to remain faithful rather than selfishly cheat.

    Reply
  • February 10, 2016 at 11:42 am

    To Add:

    I do agree that men don’t talk to their friends as much as women. Still, there are woman who also don’t have a lot of friends to talk, to also.

    Reply
    • February 27, 2017 at 3:08 pm

      Men we as women love sex as much as you do. We would like for you to treat us as well as you treat the co-worker that you take to lunch , that you buy those special little gifts for. It is just that we are tired. You forget that we are the ones holding the household together for you guys. We are the ones that get up early in the morning to get the children up that we had for you. We wash, cook, clean, hold down a job and keep the budget in order so that you can afford to buy that other woman those nice gifts.So next time you are spending that time in the sack with her playing your fantasy out. Think about how nice it would be for the woman that is making all of this possible. We would like to have a nice time too. Remember guys, the other woman doesn’t know the real you. And yes you are Really hurting us by doing this to us. You Promised your wife at the altar that you were going to be her partner to be an A) EMOTIONAL COMPANION, B)LOVER, &
      C) a PARENT and now you have taken up with the first available person and given of yourself to her. She is not even worthy.

      Reply
  • February 10, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    My husband of 10 years never actually cheated to my knowledge. But I know of him talking to a family member about our sex life and how he loved me but wanted to have sex with other people, people he knew so it would be safe and people I knew so it would also be safe not to get back to me, he said multiple times how much he loved me and wanted to be with me but he wanted to have sex with somebody else. He tried having sex with my cousin letting her know that it would never get out on his end and that he didn’t want to go on dating sites like she suggested he do, that they should just go about it with eachother. A few days prior to me finding this out I got a message from one of his ex girlfriends saying he was trying to have sex with her, that he loved me so much but needed to have sex with someone. When I confronted him about all of this he proceeded to say that he was stressed out, he was stressed with money and the few things he had to do when he got home, I wasn’t having enough sex with him even though our sex life was very active multiple times weekly, he was able to talk to my cousin about family frustrations and relate to her. We are currently separated and are working things out while living separate. But when I believe everything was going great(not perfect), and how he would voice how amazing I was doing, how he couldn’t wait to do this or that, how things were going so great but he still proceeded to talk to other women. How will I ever know things are truely good, or if I’m doing something to push him in the direction of talking to another woman, is it my fault that he has done this, is it true that he hasn’t had sex with other women, does he really love me? so many questions I ask myself daily. I’m trying to get more insight on what it all means.

    Reply
  • February 17, 2016 at 10:05 am

    I am in what I thought was very happy marriage, no issues really, no arguments, two great kids and almost 20 years together. My wife is great and fantastic with our kids the only minor quibble is that we don’t share a lot of common interests in terms of TV, Music, humour etc but that’s ok…I don’t think its that important.

    However recently I had a bizarre incident that has rattled me to my core. A few months ago on a work trip abroad I met a girl very briefly. we talked for a while and whilst absolutely nothing happened it was very strong emotional connection. We didn’t stay in touch and that was that. Incredibly, recently, whilst visiting a different venue in that same foreign city the same person, who is not from that city either, came over to my table at a restaurant and we both immediately connected again. It was so unexpected and explosive, it made me feel like a teenager again. We ended up together that night and talked a lot about how fate had brought us together again. I have travelled home now and the distance between us is measured in 1000’s of miles. I cant eat, I cant sleep and Im trying desperately to move on but finding it very difficult. We emailed each other a few times in order to avoid being caught out by social media and we also skyped each other once and it was clear that the feelings on both sides were mutual. I am getting very down about the whole thing, I cant reconcile how I have such strong feelings for this stranger to those that I have for a really good person that I have been happily with for almost 20 years.

    My “friend” and I are trying to agree not to keep communications up and of course that is the right thing to do…I mean there is no happy outcome here. Its amazing to me that something so brief could be so spectacularly strong. I never believed in love at first sight or fate or any of that stuff but I must say my assumptions about the type of person I am have been severely challenged. I have never had anything like this before so I don’t know how to deal with it, I have always done everything for my family and could never hurt them so all of this has to remain bottled up…it’s like grief! I cant talk to anyone about this so hear I am on a random website putting it all out there.

    Reply
    • May 8, 2016 at 7:06 pm

      Look at the comment below….?

      Reply
    • June 7, 2016 at 1:35 am

      I had a similar experience as Don. I had a random dream about an acquaintance from a certification program from 10 years prior, and when I woke up I had the distinct thought that I was going to leave my husband. A few weeks later, that acquaintance (not a former flame) appeared at work. He had just started employment there. We had to attend a work function and we were told to ride together. We are both very rational people. Neither of us believed in fate or past lives, but by the time we ended that car ride our lives were completely changed. We just stood there in the parking lot looking at each other and feeling like we had always known each other.

      Three weeks later, I ended my marriage. I could not stay in my marriage after experiencing such an intense, soulful connection. You can’t will that. You can’t marriage therapy it into existence. Either it is there or it isn’t. If I ever had that in my marriage, I would have fought for it. I would have done whatever work was necessary to get it back. Not all marriages are worth saving. My husband and I never had a soulful connection. Once you have it, nothing else will do.

      That was a few years ago. As for the acquaintance, we still have that deep bond. But he will never leave his wife and I would never ask him to. We talk about how we must have loved each other throughout the ages. It has been very painful, to realize too late what we could have had 10 years ago when our paths first crossed, before either of us married or had kids. We are not monsters, we just had poor timing. Until it happens to you, it will not make sense.

      Reply
      • August 8, 2016 at 5:27 pm

        I had a similar thing. Working with a man, I am single but he’s been married for 12 years. He says he loves his wife and will never leave her but I wonder if he’s just a martyr now. He cares more about what other people think than being honest and enjoying his life. He doesn’t have kids, so not even that excuse. We had an emotional affair 2 years ago and it was as you say, as if we’d lived past lives together. Totally consumed by each other. He chose his wife so I got another job and left town. That didn’t help. We stopped contact and then I was feeling stronger and circumstances changed and so I ended up going back to work at the same place and it all started again. He didn’t control his words and suddenly we were both swept away again. This was affecting his marriage again and one day, she came into work. I didn’t see her but I’ll bet she came in to check. After that he was so worried about losing her that he asked me to lie to her about us if she ever asked me. That showed me where I stood. Nowhere. It doesn’t matter if they love you, if it feels special and unique. This guy spoke to me of things nobody ever has but at the end of the day, if he never plans on leaving his wife, you are not special to him. Not as you deserve to be. I’m suffering and struggling and it’s horrid to accept and let go but he’s wasting your time and he’s a liar. You deserve better. We both do.

        Reply
    • August 18, 2016 at 12:21 am

      I understand. Shakes you to the core, right.? How r u now?

      Reply
    • February 22, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      Greetings Don, what happened to me is very much the same but with a very old friend. Five years later I am still completely broken, and living in the emotional train wreck that is now my reality after the affair. From the date of your post it has been a year, if nothing has changed I am begging you to get help if you still love your wife, and were never looking to end your marriage. Because of the choices I made, I have devastated my financial safety, broken my own heart irrevocably, and walk in deep sorrow every minute of my life for walking out on my 30 year marriage, because of mine, and my husbands infidelity. And so you know the insane heroin like chemical high that last about two to three years with the new partner ENDS IT ABSOLUTELY ENDS. And I guarantee you will wonder where the bloody hell your good sense was when you jumped off the cliff of pure adrenaline that is the true stuff of affairs. I have studied what happened to me extensively since I choose to drop a Nuclear Bomb on my marriage, and my pretty ok life. We humans are not monogamous by nature we all crave the feelings that new romance brings on, unfortunately no matterwhat you might think it does not last. I am warning anyone who reads this please do not take another step closer to the high that will completely destroy your life. Go to cou celing first, you may fi d out that your partner or spouse has had a similar experience. After counceling you both decide to call it quits, healing might then be possible. If you go ahead and do this thing I promise you it will turn out so badly that there will be days you wish you could actually just die, and be done with the guilt, pain, and destruction that you alone have caused yourself. From my heart I hope you are ok.

      Reply
  • May 8, 2016 at 7:05 pm

    I really feel for you and your friend. It’s a tough situation for you. I hope you can work out what you want in life. Good luck ?

    Reply
  • June 26, 2016 at 3:43 am

    I have seen lots of advice about talking to your partner/spouse and telling them what you feel and why. So I did. I did not expect everything to be the way I wanted as she had her feelings and wants. We’ve had this major discussion 4 times and things from my perspective have improved each time for 2-3 weeks, then things revert back to as they were. I did say that I couldn’t live with highs and lows, the lows from a feeling an unwillingness to give time for me, I asked for 15 minutes a week, but that never continued. I accepted that my physical and emotional needs were more overt than hers, but in the end I decided that I would give up trying, the effort seemed all one way, she never reached out for me for as long now as I can recall. I don’t want an affair but I am lonely and feel frustration. Now I masturbate a lot and to help I do watch online porn – it helps. I may not enjoy the highs of a satisfying relationship but I don’t suffer the lows of constant rejection. Men can and do talk, but we’re not always listened to.

    Reply
  • July 2, 2016 at 9:46 am

    My partner had an affair or relationship not shore what it’s called after 6months solid.i went away to work and flew home every 8 weeks,he met this woman 2 weeks after I left,he rang me twice every day,once I suspected the affair I looked at our phone records and he text her 60 times a day and rang her once a day and saw her every day and slept with her every 2nd day.i was gob smacked as I never would have thought.i flew home and surprised him and he still told me to my face he was just friends until I started purjuiceing evidence that I gathered .i met up with this women she said that he told her I had left,well I’m still here trying to work it out but it’s very difficult as I don’t trust him and I think he maybe still seeing her but I haven’t caught them yet.i will most likely leave because I can’t get any off it out of my head.thanks for reading my story.

    Reply
 

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