8 thoughts on “Deciding to Go “Low Contact” or “No Contact” With Your Difficult/Narcissistic Mother? Read This First

  • June 14, 2018 at 4:31 pm

    Thoughts from a son of a raging (now dead) narcissist. (No, I didn’t kill her.)

    Calling her “mom” is normalizing her mental illness. At least in the US the word “mom” suggests certain norms of behavior. Narcissists never meet those norms.

    Yes, how often you deal with her is a function of your life necessities and your mental health but why deal with her at all? You exited her womb. That is your real relationship. Do everything you can to completely and absolutely replace her. Loving your mother is a pre-wired feeling. Just understand that yours is irrevocably defective and you may need to abandon a ship you love. Put her in the rear view mirror.

    There is no reconciliation. The minute you think that you can reconcile you are back under her control and serving her personal needs at your expense.

    Go. Don’t look back. There are plenty of people who will love you as you are. You won’t know that if you use all your time on this vampire.

  • July 11, 2018 at 6:59 am

    I chose “No contact” for the past two years so that I could take care of my mental illnesses and now I’m gradually changing to “Low contact” – wish me luck! The reason why I decided against No-contact-forever is that I’m afraid I could keep the naive hope that my mother would become different in the meantime, that someday-someday-maybe we would have that one Golden Conversation and reconcile (on her deathbed or whatever). I hope Low-contact can help me see mum for who she is, let go of her and train my boundaries. My awesome therapist will pass me the hankie box when I need it.

    • July 11, 2018 at 2:48 pm

      It really is an individual choice. The important thing is you know you can change course if what you are doing isn’t working for you. It sounds like you ( with the help of your awesome therapist) have really thought this one through. Best of luck and thanks for writing.

      • July 12, 2018 at 9:16 am

        I see my mother in the “difficult” category, maybe a bit BPD-ishly needy and egocentric due to her trauma. It would be WAY different, if she was abusive! So, just like you wrote, there is definitely not one recipe for everyone. Thank you for this thoughtful and concise article!

      • July 12, 2018 at 10:07 am

        It is complex and nuanced isn’t it? And yes, BPD presents many of the same issues for daughters. I think remaining aware that you have choices no matter what… is the road to empowerment.

        Your mother has been graced with a compassionate daughter. I hope she has the capacity to appreciate that. Best of luck to you as you navigate those tricky waters. f you’d like to go more in-depth with this material I have an online course https://katherines-courses.thinkific.com/courses/rise if you are interested.

        Thank you for writing,

      • July 12, 2018 at 2:18 pm

        It’s kinda funny for me that you presume I were compassionate, as I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder just last year. But then, this year’s psychiatric specialists came to the conclusion that I might actually HAVE feelings for other people. Sigh. At least I can tell my grandkids one day that funny anecdote of “How I became a schizoid narcissist for a year” …

  • November 7, 2018 at 9:50 pm

    Thank you so much for saying that in addition to no and low contact there is the Middle Way of Taking A Break For Now.
    I have been on Disability for 20+ years and my Mom bought me a home a few years ago. I feel safe; I have improved my boundaries! I can’t leave because I was never able to work and so inflation has reduced my SSDI to a pittance.
    I’m educating myself by studying with YouTube. Thank Goddess for the Internet.
    I garden and sing and dance. I have minimal contact with mom and my sister who is Borderline/Narcissist (see SpartanLifeCoach on YouTube). I have a very strong connection with Goddess Divine Source and Love. I am choosing to be a Lucky Girl.
    Thank you again. Bless you.

    • November 8, 2018 at 7:20 am

      Thank you so much for letting me know this is helpful to you. It is all middle way, isn’t it… LOL? Much more important that you are growing you! What a lovely testament to the power of the Feminine Divine and choosing love, you are.


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