3 thoughts on “Hidden Ways A Mother Creates Self-Doubt in Her Daughter

  • March 25, 2018 at 5:54 am

    My mother does this very frequently.

    She would never dream of meddling in my life by telling me that SHE thinks that what I have decided to do is a bad idea. But she will happily try to make ME think that what I have decided to do is a bad idea.

    “Have you considered a and b? Don’t you think c and d will go wrong? Wouldn’t you much rather e and f?” she says. It’s like a jedi mindtrick. What she really means is: “This is what you should think, repeat after me.”

    I have directly called her on it on several occations. But she totally brushes me off as she always does, much more concerned with explaining to me what I think. How can you be authentic when you are dealing with people who don’t really respect you?

    • March 25, 2018 at 9:35 am

      What a nightmare. And so artfully expressed,”Jedi mindtrick” indeed.
      I think you hit on the central core issue when you said, “How can you be authentic when you are dealing with people who don’t really respect you?” Not feeling respected is at the core of the problem. I address this in this free-mini course How to ask your mother to stop giving you unwanted advise without hurting her feelings https://katherines-courses.thinkific.com/courses/unwanted-advice. Check it out.

      Although I can’t know your exact circumstances or your mother’s motives, I hear how disturbing her emeshed communication style leaves you feeling dismissed and angry. That makes sense to me. At the risk of overstating it, I believe there is a certain relational violence to what she does whether or not she is conscious of it.

      In my experience, Mother’s who do this either suffer from low self-esteem, cultural or religious disempowering/oppressive models, personality disorders or a combo of the above.

      I am going to be working on more ways daughters CAN be authentic and empowered despite having impossible mothers. I know it is easier said than done, but a not letting yourself be trapped in her distorted mirroring of you is a beginning.

      You have more power than you know. Seeing the distortion is a great start.

  • November 20, 2019 at 10:35 pm

    I didn’t see the narcissism all my life, until she became ill & had to come live with me (I’m 62). Now, she’s 85 and on hospice so I think I should continue to just “take it.” I decided she will never change & the only thing I can do is change my perspective. In a small sense, I have begun to heal now that I can see, all the way back into my childhood. I’m so very sad and really want to nurture that little girl inside…just don’t know where to begin!


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